Ok, I haven't seen this "issue" addressed in this conference yet...
[Maybe it can be linked to the men's conf?]

Those of you that I know in person seem pretty comfortable with
male/female friendships [at least the women here that I know].
But when I talk with other people, it seems like a lot of folks
aren't really comfortable with it. [Hmm, reminds me of the discussion
in the movie "When Harry Met Sally].  How do you feel about it--why
or wh can't it work??

How do things change, if at all, when one or both want some romance
added to the friendship?  

I know these are very 'basic' generic questions, I know they've been
discussed in the past, I'm sure.  But times change and WE change... so
there always could be different experiences to change our minds.

40 responses total.

And how are your friendshipswith the other gender different, if at all,
then with the same gender friends? [Or for those in gay relationships,
reverse the genders!?]

My best friend is a guy, and most of my friends are guys. I don't know why
this is.

This item has been linked from Femme 57 to Intro 33.
Type "join femme" at the Ok: prompt for discussion of women's issues.

*Shrugs* I have friends of both sexes.. if they're just friends, then it
doesn't make much difference to me what gender they are..

I am most comfortable with men because I don't feel as if I'm "competing".
If I go out with a guy to the movies or something, I don't worry about if I
look better or not.  ;-)  Plus, they make great huggers, and they give me
honest opinions on men.  I know a guy is a true friend if I can ask with a
straight face, "So why *are* you so fascinated with breasts?"  Seriously --
I feel a closer bond with my female friends, but the male friends are close
to me in a different way.  They help me see life in their point of view.
I have dated a friend once, it didn't work out, and I haven't talked to him
since last year.  "Nuff said.  I hate dating friends, but sometimes friendship
starts the best relationship.  I mean, friendship and communication are key
elements to a successful commitment...right?

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I have always noticed a different quality to my friendships with women and
men.  I guess that, having so many of my "friends" who are male show interest
all of a sudden has made me realize that 1) there is fluidity in relationships
with peole and 2) yeah, relationships with men are different becasue there's
always teh "possibility"...
I would disagree that the differences are significant when you're 
talking about a queer person's friendships vs. a straignt person's friendships
with teh same/opposite sex/gender.  (whoa, are you confused yet??)
A lot of my queer friends agree with me about the different qualities of
firndships with women and friendshipa with men... and I used to say I had
more/less friendships of more/less depth with one than the other, but now I've
given up on making such hierarchies

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Depends on the reason for categorizing. For instance, in
considering someone to be my spouse, the gender of the person has
always been an extremely important issue for me. :)

You are the fussy one, John. 8-).

true people are people, but men/boys adn women/girls have been socialized
differently, and therefore are in general different.  It is possible to talk
about different relationships with men and with women.

My best friend now is a girl, in grade school it was a boy the classification
of friend is a fine line for me in social groups I try to make friends with
every one sex really isn't an issue

I'm not saying that I decide to have friends with only one or the other
"sexes", but I am saying that my relationships with and reactions to menadn
women are in general different.

I'll agree with that

I have trouble with the concept of "best friend" -- maybe it's the stage of
my life or maybe it my circumstances, or maybe it's just me.  When I try
to come up with who my "best friend" is I come up with 6 or 7 people among
whom I find it impossible to choose.  I think they've all met, but we aren't
a "group" or anything.  I just have very close feelings for these people
even when life keeps me too busy to see them.  (I don't have much of a social
life these days.)

My group of friends has more women than men right now, but that hasn't always
been the case.  I was brought up the only girl-child in a family of 8.  My
family was extremely chauvinistic and patriarchal, so it was years before I
came to appreciate women.

Now I'd say that I find women easier to become close to, but once I get close
to someone the differences have more to do with the individuals involved than
with their gender.  (Although I'll admit a general trend toward gentle,
sensitive men and strong minded women among my closest friends.)

I find that it is true with me also, that I grow older, the concept of a "best
friend" seeems not to fit.  Except, perhaps when I think of that phrase, I
do think only of my husband.  I have a few close female friends and two close
male friends to whom I feel free in confiding just about everything, but no
one person who would  or could qualitfy as "best".  I have never, since
becoming an adult, had difficulty having extremely close male friends with
whom I saher as much as with female friends, and with whom I feel the same
way as my female friends.  The gender, as well as the age of the person I
choose for intimacy, is irrelevant.  It's a question of "interpersonal fit"
which is almost undefinable in words.

To me, asking the difference in friendships between men and women is like
asking me if I differentiate my friendships between short and tall people.
I don't pay attention to their gender, size or age.  I don't care how they
look.  I care how we relate to each other.  I have always found that the
concept of having a best friend is too limiting.  I like different people for
different reasons.  I guess I am one of those people who don't know any
strangers.  I just like people and find that I am always learning something
from them, whether by observation or by interaction.  I do find that those
who are hardest to be friendly with are those in your own family...maybe
because they expect you to be better than what you are and don't as easily
accept how you grow and change.

Funny thing.
Somehow you seem to be putting your finger right on the spot.
For instance, in some sort of way I am the black sheep in our
family (didn't get my degree, dress in a punky way, had a
eriod of canabis use etc.) My friends otoh, never raised
questions to my being.
Nevertheless, I am that kind reserved that it is hard for me to admit
something has become a friend of mine. It's hard for me
to open my heart to strangers, or those I consieder mere
acquaintances.

I personally do not differentiate my friendships based on gender because I
have very few friends to differentiate (big word :).  Still, there are things
that i can say to my males friends that I can't say to my female friends, and
vice versa.  The only time this makes me uncomfortable is when they say things
about each other.

There might be the chance they talk about you among each other as well.
That's just they things are, I guess.
Just as long as you don't get the feeling you're being between two
"camps" it still can be allricht.

I enjoy my friendships w
[opps!] with both sexes... But they tend to be on somewhat different
levels--though both are very important to me.

The main thing I have a problem with with my friendships with men--
and fortunately, it hasn't happened often, is when one of us
is interested in being more than just friends.  I've backed off on
a friendship awhile back because of this [and in some ways, I'm saddened
that we don't have the same level of friendship that we used to have].

Currently, there is someone I got to know through a local computer
singles group based here in the triangle area of NC. I liked him as a
friend in a group setting--so I agreed to go out with him [as friends,
as far as I was concerned] one on one.  Well, it turns out that
he DOES want a dating relationship with me. Well, after getting to 
know him, I decided that *I* want to keep it platonic, just as friends.
And we talked about it and he SAID he was fine with that. But he's 
still trying to pursue the dating routine and that makes me very uncomfortable.
Which is too bad because he could have been a fun 'friend' to hang out
with but with each of us wanting something different out of the
friendship, it looks like nothing will work... So for now, I'm
not seeing him at all one on one any more...

Well, sometimes that's just one of those things.
It's really a pity, but when it comes to matters
of the heart one can never predict the outcome of male - female
friendships.

For instance:
I have some very close friendships with women that lasted
for years without anything but sharing companionship and
being friends. Funny thing that in at least one case we
woke up one morning and realized we were lying in each others arms.
(after a friendship of eight years!)

This kind of thing often makes me think of that movie
"When Harry met Sally"

btw, I have had the other way round as well, ande ven worse.
One girl kept on seeing me because she wasn't sure about her boyfriend
and wanted to have some(thing?) to fall back on. And this while I was madly
in love with her.

I bet everybody is keeping a close look upon "Friends" in order
to check out whether romances are developing or not.

Hmmm...it goes both way for me.  I have male friends who are in no way
potential mates, and then there are a couple who I wouldn't hesitate to go
out with.  Happily, though, they are involved in loving relationships that
I hope last forever.  I wouldn't dare think of imposing.  To me, a loving
friendship with a man is a dear thing to me.  My male friends support me with
that inner masculine strength that (I hate to sound stereotypical) women don't
possess.  My female friends possess a feminine strength, which bonds me to
them, but men just have more of an oomph to the comfort zone.  It's also nice
to be able to call them up and know they won't mind you pleading for them to
take you to a wedding 'cause you refuse to go alone.  ;-)

I can't quite figure out if the above is your way of flirting
or if you really and sincerely believe it.

Inner maculine strength, hmm, never knew I had it in me.
Btw, it is the feminine touch that draws me
towards women. Somehow they release the best in me, while
men often make me behave like an utter a***

Mary, I sincerely believe it.  If I had wanted to flirt with anyone in this
cf, I would have e-mailed them.  This is not the sex cf.  I was writing that
in response to clees' post about having female friends.

BTW -- my way of flirting is direct.  I don't run around batting my eyelashes
and tittering.

        I have always wanted to able to have female friends who are just
friends, but it never seems to work out that way, at least on my end.
If I develop a close friendship with a women where I am their confidant
and vice versa then it seems like I always end up falling in love with
them.  Sometimes this process can take years but it always happens. I
wish it were otherwise because my values are such that I want to see
people for who they are, not their gender.  However the heart knows things
that our feeble value systems only grasp at... <sigh>

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I've certainly had many female friends who were just friends.  Of course, most
of them were married, but not all.  With some I've felt a bit of a strain,
but with others, none at all.

I find, in terms of casual friendships, it doesn't make
a whole lot of difference whether the person is male or
female, it either works or it doesn't.

But I do notice it's a whole lot easier establishing a
professional (co-working) relationship with males.
They simply whine less.

This response has been erased.

        re 30 Causual friendships are no problem for me gender wise, it's
close friendship that become a problem, or not if it works out. :-)

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Hmm...this item's showing up as new all of a sudden, for No Good Reason. Ah,
well, I'll shoot my mouth off anyway...

I'm sure there are men who are even more doubtful that you're a capable human
being since you're female, but I think that sort of thing shows up a lot in
friendships between guys too. In fact, sometimes it seems to me that I doubt
guys who don't go out of their way to prove themselves, just because I'm so
used to it that when someone doesn't it seems unusual....

You're absolutely right orinoco. If I weren't a show off I'd be 
somewhere else instead of Grex trying to impress everybody that I 
master english so well ;)
For the rest....nah.

Well, I used to think that it was easier for me to have male friends
than female ones...I just seemed to make more guy friends. But lately
I have noticed that some male friends get either mad or hurt if I am
not interested in anything romantic and they start thinkig this is going
toward a romance type thing for them. 
Besides , I have bonded more with female friends lately. Maybe it depends
on age or expectations etc. It occurs to me that I have changed a little
too. I am more accepting of what I felt was offending "female" behavior
in my early twenties.  
With men it's easier to joke, laugh, be crude, off-the wall.  With
women it's easier to confide my deepest fears and my most ardent desires
and get emotional without them baulking at it.
But with a few men and a few women, it's possible to do all the above.

Denise, this is a thread of my heart so good to be friends if you are 
married. The finest way is first to be good friends and from that 
loving and further. Then you can deepen the friendship. The talking 
about real fears (yes Garima) becomes easier and makes the love relatin 
stronger. I wont promote here my way of a splendid marriage. But the 
question of beeing friends, and then deepening it all the time is a 
avery importent possibility of out life. Thank you Denise.

i want to have sex with gals
i dont think any think wrong in this case
why god create man and woman (opposite sex)
it is becoz we can enjoy
there is no harm i this case ..wht u think?

i agree...will you send me some polaroids of it?

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss