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33 responses total.

It all depends on the person and the circumstances, I think.  I had mine
very young, and have come to regret some of the mistakes I made due to
idealism.  Then again, I've known parents who had kids when they were older and
felt they had missed out because they had lost some of the spontanaity (sp?)
they felt would have been of benefit...

For us, I suspect it would have been a disaster to have kids in the very
beginning of our marriage, because I had no experience whatever with
young children and little social support (families on fairly good terms
but not really close emotionally, & in Illinois or farther), and I am 
a low-energy person in general -- and I was our primary financial support 
for eight years.

Now that we finally are parents, I look back in regret at some of the 
things I didn't do when I had free time, and I look forward wondering
how much time there will be after the cubs leave the den.   

But really it depends more on the individual -- some people
have more energy at forty than I had when I was twenty, and natural gifts
of discernment.  The passage of time does not necessarily confer 
wisdom or financial security.  Children should be born at a time when 
they will be loved and cared for and allowed to grow.

Overall, I'd ask myself if I'm at an age where I can be almost
limitlessly flexible, changing plans, and giving of myself at 
every turn.  And if you can answer yes, no matter the age, then 
move on to the matter of financial means.  If that's not a problem
then look to personal goals, such as career and education.  If
you're willing to suspend those, knowing you may miss the window
for things to happen as you'd like, then you're probably at a good
age to consider having a baby.

The trick is honesty in answering the questions.

My father was fond of saying that if you wait til everything's perfect
before you start a family, you'll never have kids.  I'm not sure that's
a bad thing.  He and my Mom had six kids before her 25th birthday.
(Youch!  At times I thought 2 were gonna be the death of me.)

Yeah, and after your dad said that put on his hat and left for his
day at the office, while your mom stayed home, wiped six noses, and
rationalized how "perfect" ain't all it's cracked up to be. ;-)

I didn't know you'd met my folks, Mary.  ;)

I'm not sure whether anyone can answer that question for you.
Some of my friends who've had children say that they were waiting
for a perfect time but then thought it would never come.  
Personally I'm waiting for the time when I don't have to make
that decision - children scare me.

I had my kids at 27, 29, and 34. My husband and I were married for
4 years before my 1st was born.  We picked then to start because
I had an overwhelming urge. I could no longer imagine life without
a baby.  FInances did not play a part in it.

Well, I can say that I definitely felt the difference between the 1st and
the last.  I tired much more easily when I was older.  I would have liked
to start earlier, but we had a great life as a couple, so I have no
regrets about our choice.  I find I am more easily exhausted but much more
mature about the choices I make now, so the tradeoff in age is not too
unequal...I have less energy, but I also waste less. 

One thng to think about is when to end as well as when to start having
kids.  Several of my doctors had large families, and in their late 50s
were still working to put the youngest through college & grad school. 
Their comment was to think about the kid's age in relation to retirement
plans:  to you want an adults only retirement at 55, or will you be happy
with a 10-year old at home and still years away from moving out
independently?  It seems hard to think that far ahead but it made sense to me.

Career didn't matter to me:  that was secondary to kids, and I had enough
confidence to think that I could do what I want when I want, but there was
this biological clock...tick tock

BTW, I'm 37 now and we'd like another!  I know I'll feel my age, but  it's
okay...

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I, for one, feel that it is ok to hold off.  I don't know when I'll
have children, but I don't think now would be a good time (especially
since I'm in my office :)).  There are just so many issues that must
be dealt with first, and though I ooh and aah at every baby that I 
see, I know that it can probably wait.  My best friend Cathy had a 
baby three months ago and so I know how that feels.  

Valerie, I think that the way you feel right now is the prelude to "getting
ready" to have kids. (Sorry forgot there is no wrap around here.)  The feelings
os wanting a kid will grow stronger and stronger until you are ready to ride
right over all obstacles and get pregnant (then, it may take awhile if what
happened to me is any example.)  But you start with a longing and some envy of
others who have one.  Then you find yourself fantasizing about what it would be
like to have one of your own, then you start to fantasize about what yours
would lilook like, then. . . .well, you can guess.

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It is hard, Valerie.  But you're quite right to wait until you're sure it's
right.  If you don't you could could end up either feeling guilty when
things don't go as planned (and they never do) or resenting the child
for opportunities you'll have to pass up for a while when you're busy
"being Mamma".  Neither is a good situation.

Parenting is the hardest job a human ever takes on, and no amount of training
or preparing can really help you to understand what you've taken on until
you experience that 175th night of insufficient and broken sleep.  Then 
you look down into that dear little face and you know in your bones
that this isn't "for now".  This isn't for 18 years.  This is a preson
you will worry about, lose sleep to, cry over, love, enthuse over,
celebrate, and be linked to in an unbelievably deep way *forever*.  It's
beautiful, but it's very sobering, and if you're not certain it
's time, that committment can chafe.

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Coming from a family of 7 kids, I've always been more or less
independent but also assuming that I'm going to have several kids
som,eday--as I think I'd be a great Mom.  But alas, when I got
married, I was still in college and thus, not enough time to devote to
motherhood. Then the Then the marriage went bad--and I didn't want my
then-husband to be the father of the kids...  Here I am now at 36, wondering
about motherhood, will it be a part of my life? I'm wondering what it'd be
like, yet am also preparing myself for the fact that it may not happen... I
know there are a lot of single Mom's out there but I don't want to start out
that way, at least not right now--as I don't have the finances/emotional
support for such an endeavor...

15: You  "don't want to start out that way"? or you don't want the child to
start out that way??  The cruelest thing you can do is to have children
to satisfy selfish reasons, particularly without a legally responsible 
father (i.e., married).  Why anyone would set out to have a kid with 2
strikes against it right from the start is against my comprehension.

Hmm... In the absence of a legally responsible father, why wouldn't
a legally responsible mother be good enough?

re # 17:  I know a few single mothers, some are divorced (the kids
do have a "legally responsible father") and some have never married.
All will tell you that it is much harder to raise children alone
as there isno one to share the stresses or the hard decisions 
with you.  But it is better than being in a bad marriage and
having those stresses  too.  So a single parent may be good, but
two parents who can work together to raise a family are better for
each other and for the kids.

BTW, one single parent I know of has adopted 3 kids from a 
3rd world country.  She is a happy mom, works full time, and gave
three orphans a wonderful future.  

17: Because fathers are important to the psychological development of
children and women, no matter what anyone says, can't be fathers!

Er, my personal experience is that single parenting can be easier, not
harder as simcha indicates.  In fact, I raised my son from the age of 4
until 14 as a single parent, and the easiest of those 14 years were when
all the decisions were mine and there was nobody else to consider sharing
the load.  Now, I'm not saying it's the best for the child, but it was
certainly easier for me. 

The best way I can put it is it's very much like the relationship between
the father and the son in "Kramer vs. Kramer".  In the beginning it was
chaotic and scary but, out of necessity, you get organized and energized
real quick like.  You get good at taking responsibility, setting
priorities, and building skills that you never lose (and that you teach
your child by example).  And there is a bond that develops that I'm
certain is a close as it can get between a parent and child.  There is no
parental bickering over whose turn it is to do this or that care-taking
task 'cause it's all yours, baby. Of course, there is a lot of fatigue,
but you survive and get stronger. And you get to experience a sense of
pride and accomplishment that is enough for two. 

I was a far better single parent than I would have been a co-parent.
Because I had to be.

Amen, Mary!

Cool responses, all of these. I always thought I would have kids, but it's
hitting me lately that I am 23 and within maybe 4 or so years, I could be a
mom... provided I find the right person. I don't want to wait until my mid
or late 30s to have kids, because I don't want to be pushing 60 when the kids
are still teenagers (that is just my view, maybe it will change). My dad came
from older parents and it was bad... they were both dead by the time he was
50... his dad died when he was just 25. That's why my parents had me and my
brother before they were 30... they just turned 53 and it's not too bad an
age gap. My best friend has older parents... her mom is 60 and her dad is
almost 70 and is in poor health. She is afraid he will die before he sees his
grandkids or  before he can give her away at her wedding. I have noticedthat
people who come from older parents seem set in their ways, resistant to
change, and just seem old themselves (I realize there are exceptions to this
all the time). But I know I couldn't have a kid now, I am too young! 

It seems that my friends who are my age who already have kids wanted the
pregnancy experience (which I admit I do too) and figured when the baby was
born, they could stay at home and play mommy. Then they realized it was harder
than that... it's more than rocking and picking out a nice name for the kid.
One friend I have is the mother of a 2 year old boy, and her husband just left
her and isn't paying child support. Her white picket fence image has been
blown all to hell., and now she has a son to raise alone. I wouldn't trade
places with her for anything.

What's the lesson there?  Is it a different lesson for men and
women?  

Hmm. Seems like it. I know there ae moms who up and leave too, and it's just
as devastating. (sorry for the typo was written AGAIN, grr!). From what I have
been told, my friend's marriage was a bad one from the start. She quit school
when she got pregnant. It had been my impression that she mainly wanted to
stay home with  the kid, even though she only had a year of school left. Turns
out her husband wouldn't "let " her go back to school. He has told her now
that he never loved her and never wanted to marry her.... talk about
rejection.

Thing is, I know of many women who can sit and spend hours thinking of what
they will name their future children, how they will decorate the nursery, what
outfits will look good. I know of many women who don't even have boyfriends,
but will go to stores to check out china patters for when they get married.
They assume their husbands will make enough money so they can stay home, which
is rare thing these days! 

As for my friend's ex, he has moved into a posh apartment downtown and has
a girlfriend, and says he'd rahter go to jail than pay child support.

This item has been linked from Femme 40 to Intro 28.
Type "join femme" at the Ok: prompt for discussion of
women's issues.

I know that I still want to be a Mother--though I'm not sure that its
going to happen. At least not in the near future [and that biological
clock is still ticking away!].  In the meantime, I enjoy being an Aunt
to my 4 nephews and 2 nieces [though I haven't met my youngest niece
yet--she was just born a couple weeks ago].

I was just skimming through this item; was curious as to what kind
of thought process [if any?] that men go through about becoming a
father?? [Hmm, maybe this should be a separate item? Maybe, maybe not.]

Anyway, happy Mother's Day to all of the Moms out there!  :-)

I would very much like to be a father some day, and would like to do it
before I run out of energy completely.  My parents were 37 and 52 when I was
born, and I've always felt there was a big generation gap there.  I'd rather
not wait that long.

Here's the thing:  men don't have the same reproductive freedom women do.
I know that's not a revelation, but it's rather important.  These days a
woman can decide to have children, get a donor, and have a kid - no
relationship involved at all.  Men simply can't do that.  Oh, I know there's
such a thing as surrogate motherhood, but that's frought with a lot of
problems - look at the "Baby M" case a few years ago.

My point is, the fact that men can't really "decide to have children" has to
have an effect on our whole attitude toward reproduction in general.  In fact,
the title of this item doesn't even apply to men very well at all.

Sorry to sound so whiney.  I complain about the weather too.  :)

I do understand your point Aruba, about men not being able to decide to have
a kid, since they can't do it themselves. But... women's reproductive rights
are limited too. Never know when Congress might get a little crazy and tell
me I will have a baby whether I like it or not. 

I don't think I'd ever get artificially inseminated or any of that. My kid
deserves to know its other 50%.

re, I forget what #, my parents were relatively old when they had me, but they
are some of the most fun adn fun-loving people you've ever met!
(I know _I'm_ not ready to have kids now, in fact I've been doing research
lately about that "morning-after pill"... but that's another topic!!)

re #27 & 28 -- on behalf of all women or couples who are or have been
infertile (as we were, technically, for 3 years) let me say that children
do not *necessarily* follow the decision to have them, and this has
nothing to do with morality or politics.

True Grace... it must be horrible when you're trying to have a kid and it
doesn't happen. A freind's sister had been married 6 years and they'd been
trying for the past 2. She became pregnant in February, but  the baby died
at about 2 months (doctors became suspect when she did not gain weight; the
ultrasound showed it hadn't grown.) She is hoping to be pregnant again in the
fall. Sad thing is she had already bought baby clothes.

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that sounds like kind of _excese_ planning!  Kids are not entirely
plannable... they do unexpected things, that is teh fun part!

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