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28 responses total.

To tackle your current problem first...Give up on the guy.  You have obviously
put alot of work into trying to formulate a professional relationship.  You
are probably gonna get alot of grief to come, and for that I am very sorry.
As to the question of how to solve it...hmmm.  Do you have any relationships
with men there?  If so, I would ask them if they notice it.  If they say they
have not, ask them to be on the look out.  I think if a man talks to a pig
like this maybe he'll get through.  If not, at least you'll have someone to
back you up if you have to go to the boss.  I would only go to the boss IF
nothing else worked, and then only with some male witnesses.  Its sounds bad
but thats what it will probably take.

As for sexism in general...I havewn't actually seen much of it.  Maybe its 
because I have limited work experience, but I have not seen it as a problem.
But obviously it is, or this would not happen to you.  I am not sure how
much good can be achieved by direct confrontation.  While it is necessary,
it does not do much good.  Now if the boss were to say, I saw you specifically
snubbing her because she is a woman, you better believe it will hit home.
The only way to combat sexism is education.  Education at the basest level,
that of the home.  From day one we begin to accumulate prejudices and biases,
and the parents are responsible for sorting these out.

Another point I would like to bring up, and which fits well with this topic,
is defining sexism.  I once told my mother I would like a wife that would
stay home and not work outside the home.  I did not say I would attempt to 
make her, only that this is what I would like.  Immediately my own mother
called me chauvanistic.  This confused me.  I have nothing against a woman
working but would merely prefer a wife that would stay home.  Is this sexist? 
Also the recent bill allowing 12 weeks of unpaid leave in all professions
(Family Leave Act?).  This seems crazy to me.  It was obviously passed to
prevent employers from firing a pregnant woman.  If someone cannot do the job
they cannot do the job!  Why put the emp[loyer through the added expense of
hiring and training a temp?  But I digress.  Sexism to me seems like anyhting
that does not overtly make opportunities equally available for man and women.
What is it to you?

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I never personally had to deal with workplace sexism that I know of,
except that when I worked for Manpower 22 years ago they gave me a
typing test & didn't bother to ask if I could lift my own weight.  But
I have one thought: try to understand what his *real* problem is.  It
may not be pure sexism at all, you may remind him of his big sister &
another woman wouldn't have the same trouble.  But if he really thinks
women aren't human, asking him about this (with genuine interest and
polite curiosity) would at least clear the air, if it did not show him
the error of his ways.

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   I think you're right, Valerie, you may be unable to shake his
predjudice against you.  Perhaps you need to decide just how damaging that
predjudice might be, and then decide if it's worth the effort to try to
fix it.
   My $.02:  To my knowledge I have not been the victim of sexism.
However when I was a teacher I found that each class I taught seemed to
have one or two students who made up their mind at the beginning of the
smester that they hated me, and nothing was going to shake their
conviction.  I didn't find a solution to this problem (it kept happening
right to the end), but I did take care not to return the prejudice, and I
often reminded myself that they were in the minority.  It helped that I
was in charge of the situation, and the students didn't really have any
power over me (although a couple did complain to my supervisor).  I'm not
sure if you have that advantage as well.
   So I took the high road, and never suffered much as a result.  I
understand this wouldn't work in all situations, however.

Valerie, I think confronting him is a bad idea, if he is as bad as you say.
It will only remind him of his prejudices, I doubt he will get over them.  I
think most people like him know they are prejudiced, and either don't care
or do a good job convincing thermselves otherwise.  Its very much a matter of
immuturity.  It is like when you were a kid and your parents said not to do
something, you wanted to do it.  So when you ask him to stop, and try to
appeal to him rationally, he probably will only retaliate by being crueller.
I think the best advice is to ignore him.  I know it sounds trite, but I
think he will bore of his attitudes, and who knows, maybe oneday admit he
needs your help.

To me, this doesn't sound specifically like anything related to
femanism, but merely one of those Stupid people things that happens.
I've been eccentric for much of my life, so I've often run into
situations like this (non-conformity is not greated as a universal
virtue.)  Don't know that I have the answer, but here are some ideas.-

People never like to admit they're wrong - so confronting him, even with
your best arguments, will not change his mind - it may even backfire and
stiffen his resolve.  Ignoring him can work sometimes - but not after
you've confronted him or done anything to attract his attention.  If you
do that, then ignoring him is a sign of weakness and you will find no
mercy.  If you havern't done that, then ignoring him provides a graceful
way for him to discover he's wrong - or for you to discover you're wrong
which is also sometimes the case.  It's sometimes really hard to guess
at what somebody else is thinking if you don't know them well, and I
know I've sometimes been grieviously wrong.  Ignoring him is always a
good first rule however - sometimes time is all it takes.

There are more proactive ways of reacting.  They're also more dangerous
- so you don't want to do this if there is a better alternative.
Splitting him up from his buddy, by providing a more interesting
alternative, can be helpful.  For instances, having him run AV
equipment, run an errand, or whatever - unless he's totally negative, he
is likely to find any positive experience in the class a welcome change
from the negative carping of his neighbor.  Sometimes, just getting a
chance to talk to him alone & outside of the usual context can be
helpful - it's possible he could turn out to be quite a different person
than you expect.  If it's early in the life of the organization, you may
be able to split things up, by doing things such as rearranging the
chairs before people come in to sit down, or choosing an entirely
different room to meet in.  You may be able to disrupt the pattern
that's forming if you catch it early enough.  Once it's set & become the
norm, this won't work so well - people don't like to break habits.
Talking to a mutual friend may help - if you know somebody who knows him
you may be tl ask things like "What's [Bob]'s problem" or "What can I do
to get along better with [Bob]"? Your boss may also be another
possibility - and may be in a better position to rearrange things.  Your
boss can arrange thing like taking "the other guy" out and transfering
him to a different section, or sitting in on a class or so.  This
depends a lot on the kind of boss you have, of course.

A male boss I had once was referred to (by a student in the department)
as the least sexist person she had ever known.  I would never have thought
of it that way, but it was clear to me that he was one of the most courteous
people it had ever been my pleasure to work with.

So, keeping that in mind, I've always treated a discrimination problem like
a rudeness problem, which seemed to keep the discussion off of a "you're
prejudiced -- no I'm not, either" loop and onto a tack of "what would I
appreciate you handling differently", or "is there a way we could change
our relating style so it works better".  I may privately believe that 
the person is sexist or whatever, but if I really want change, an end-
around play has always seemed to work better for me.

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Congratulations, Valerie.  I certainly hope that is the last sexism you will
encounter, but I fear it will not.  

Valerie, there really is hope.  The bad ones go and the good
ones stay. Buy a lotto ticket while your luck is on a roll.

There is no ones opinion of yourself more important than your own!
The opinions, attitudes and actions of others become insignificant
in the face of this one fact. You are important to you.

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If you aren't happy with you, you will probably find that no one else is
either.

Oh, that's really helpful, i.  Here Valerie didn't even want this item
to be a dialog about her, but rather about sexism, and you all just
tell her "Don't worry, Be Happy".

Simple, it works for me:)  Of course I have yet to deal with any problem
greater than paying for school...

Ah, well that accounts for your brash niavete, then.  :)

   It would help me to hear a few examples of workplace sexism.  I 
work with an all-male group of programmers, so maybe I just won't 
encounter the kind of sexism Valerie is talking about, but maybe I 
will.  I'll tell you what I do hear:  I hear some, shall we say, 
'lustful' comments, like "Wow, she's got a great body, doesn't she?"  
And some of my coworkers complain a lot about their wives' calling 
them and "assuming they have nothing better to do than talk."  I have 
heard statements like "Women are, on average, more caring than men, 
and therefore it makes sense that they often take jobs as nurses and 
teachers."  Is this the kind of thing we're talking about?  I have 
never heard anyone imply that women are incapable of doing any job 
simply by virtue of their gender.  And I have never seen anyone fail 
to give a woman professional respect because of her gender.

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Judging from what you wrote in #0, it sounds to me like every time a male
doesn't like you or is a jerk, you consider it sexism. 

(I can't wait to see Valerie's response to this.) headdoc thinks. . . .

I'm looking forward too.

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   Hmmm, didn't expect that.  Really, Valerie?  I have to think about
that. Do you mean that sometimes you misinterpret situations?  Or do you
mean that there is no reason anyone would be rude to you except sexism?  A
feminist friend of mine told me recently she thought that having the label
'sexism' around was a great thing, and a major contribution of the
feminist movement.  She reasoned that the label was a way of identifying
certain actions as being part of a pattern, rather than isolated
incidents.  And that is the first step to "recognizing that we have a
problem." I pointed out that the problem with labels is that they have the
potential for abuse; I hope you're not saying you've abused the label,
Valerie.

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Valerie, I admire your ability to acknowlege what might be a blind
spot -- that perhaps you overgeneralize sexism.  We all have blind
spots, but aren't always ready to see them operating.  And I actually
wonder if having a guy say explicitly "I don't like having a woman
tell me what to do" might not be a step in the right direction. It's
when people think they're absolutely fair at all times that they
aren't open to changing.  Now, if that guy could only say it out 
loud . . .

re #25:  You mean it is possible to get good service at Denny's?  :*

Oh heck yah!  We used to hang out for hours on end at a Denny's in Tampa (hey,
there aren't many safe places to hang out at 3am when you get off work, ok)
The service there was terrific.  Smiling faces after midnight, wow!

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