I have always believed that if you get the "let's just be friends" 
speech (no matter how eloquent) from a guy that you really do care 
about, that you should *definitely* try to be friends. I've always 
believed that if you didn't try, then it somehow minimizes the love you 
thought/or said was there.

 Last week I was reading a book that actually said the opposite. That 
it is generally *unhealthy* to pursue a friendship instead of ending 
the relationship completely. Then today I ran into another article 
saying the same thing. 

 So now I'm questioning my beliefs. What do you think?


 

21 responses total.

 P.S. I decided to put this in the femme conference because I'm 
thinking in terms of women and their reactions to relationships, and 
what is healthy for them. 

It depends whether you like the person as well as being emotionally involved
with them.  Not all relationships have a rational basis.  

It also depends on if it'd be healthy for you to be just "friends".  In some
cases, it's a way for them to tell you to get lost, and not seem like a real
jerk, but if they give you the kiss off, and begin seeing someone else, can
you handle it?  Friends or not.  Personally, I don't think there is any going
back to friends post relationship/involvement.  Too much emotional baggage.

 
 keesan and ashke, of course a lot depends on one thing or another but I don't
really have a specific example in mind --I just want people to answer from
their own experience.
 
 ashke, does that mean you just say "I can't be friends with you" and cut them
off completely? 

No, but it happens eventually.  

I guess you have to rely on if you were friends before hand, what kind of
friends, and then how both of you acted during the relationship.  It's all
a set of variables, but if you open yourself up to someone, then usually it's
hard to just let go and be friends.

One of my best friends is a former 'relationship' - since 1980.  I introduced
him to his wife.  We discovered we made terrible roommates but good friends.

i moved an ex into the house where i lived
for a year.  there were a couple of tense
times.  we remain friends.
it can be done, if you really care about eachother,

make no mistake it's a lot of work, and there will
be some pain.

I'm deeply distrustful of statements like "you *shouldn't* try to be
friends after a relationship" because different relationships, and
different people, are different.

Of the five-and-a-half people I've dated, I'm friends with three,
reasonably cordial acquaintances with one, and have lost track of two with
the moving from state to state that comes with college and post-college
jobs.  Most of my relationships grew out of friendships, so returning to
friendships was going back to something familiar... I've never been good
at, or interested in, the movie-style dating where you meet someone at a
bar or something and then start dating.

I guess I feel that if I find someone I like and enjoy talking to and so
on, then it makes little sense to stop talking to them just because the
romantic aspect didn't work out.  A lot of people seemed surprised when I
told them that I was no longer dating but still good friends with Tony,
who I'd been dating for nearly four years.  Some of this may be that they
expected us to get married, largely on the rationale that that's what
people *do* when they're in their twenties and have been dating a while,
as far as I could see, which made no sense to me.  We chose not to get
married.  We recognized that we were interested in doing different things
and moving in different directions.  We also still *like* each other, and
are each other's only old friend in this city we moved to together a year
ago.  Is it a friendship totally devoid of tension or ambiguity?  No.  But
why would I cut out of my life someone I respect and care about?

I'm particularly intrigued by ashke's #5: " if you open yourself up to
someone, then usually it's hard to just let go and be friends".  I've
heard this from others in the past, and I don't understand it: my friends,
as opposed to acquaintances, are the people I open up to.  Could you
explain in more detail what you mean here?

All that said, I do agree that there are situations in which maintaining a
friendship may not work well, and where forcing it may make things worse.
With the first two guys I dated, in high school, I think we both equated
"let's be friends" with "let's pretend some of these conflicts have never
happened."  This is not a good idea.  I've never been very good at
avoiding people when I'm angry with them -- my tendency is to try to talk
to them and talk to them about it at length, to try to make emotions
logical -- but there are times when that is the healthiest thing to do for
both of you, if the breakup was angry or unpleasant.  It's also worth
noting that "friends" vs. "not friends" is a continuum, not a dichotomy,
and likely to be different in each situation.

I've been better friends with the men I've dated more recently.  Maybe
that's being more mature and better able to deal with these conflicts,
maybe it's simply that I have a better sense now of who I'm compatible
with in the first place, which makes negotiating breakups and friendships
easier. I dunno.

I couldn't resist that one.

OK, I am male.
But when it comes to emotions it is the same. Some say I am puty in the 
hands of women which makes me eligable to hurt.

In one case (the only woman I thought I was going to grow old with and 
desired to do so) she wanted to stay friends after she dumped me for 
another as she wanted to at least keep the deep relationship we shared. 
I should never have agreed to that. It completely demolished me 
emotionally for the better of two years, and still sometimes the memory 
of her haunts me to the points of interference with other relationships.

The other case, the relationship just died like a candle. We managed to 
stay friends. Cordial, yes. Endearment even too, but no other emotions.
We meet up once a year or so. She lives most of the year in Greece.

I am biased on this one.
But let me tell you this: I'd rather stay friends with somebody than 
risk the relationship we share by getting romantically involved. That's 
the other side of the staying friends story.

For me, it always depends on who it is.  Every situation is different.

I am currently thanking God for having read this.  I am far more known on
m-net than on here . . .but here is the gist - my husband of 5 years and I
(whom I met on m-net) are currently in the process of splitting up - well,
let's just say that there is a slim chance we won't - but we aren't hedging
our bets.  

We are currently trying to do this in a way where we can remain friends with
each other - and quite frankly (and I realize that I am one emotional wreck
right now, so what I say now and what I say in 7 minutes could be totally
different) - I don't not want Gary in my life.  He is such an integral part
of my life that it just seems unreal.  

So - you ask if I should stay friends or not?  Fuck the papers, articles -
everyone - I am doing this *my* way - I am staying true to me - and right now,
that means communicating with Gary more honestly than I EVER have - crying
a hell of a lot, and just trying to take it minute by minute.

So Stacie - thank you - this weighs heavily on my mind right now - you are
a true blessing in disguise.

That's sad to hear, Brooke.  I hope it works out as smoothly as possible for
both of you.

marc was my best friend before we married, and he is still my
best friend.  i cant imagine a life without him in it.
he has been a part of my life for about 15 years now.

depending on the reason for a breakup, i can say that we would
probably remain close.

my condolences brooke. 

My condolences as well Brooke.

Just be friends....

In my mind, i guess it just depends on the situation.  If you've got a
relationship without a friendship, then forget it.  If someone is too
attached to the relationship to gracefully let go, "just friends" will
be miserable.  If you've got a good friendship and a never-amounted-to-
much relationship, then clearly yes.

Oh, Brooke...I'm so sorry.  :(

It's hard for me to stop being in love with someone, so being "a friend" and
watching them date other people hurts like hell.  If I wasn't *that* involved
with someone, then it's a bit easier to stay friends.  As I said, it really
depends on the situation.

Of my three ex's, I'm good friends with one, would be friends with the second
if he wasn't an obnoxious twit (as it is, I can put up with him decently
well), and the third I'm still pretty good friends with, although that one
is the hardest, mostly because I was the closesest to him.  But I wouldn't
give up that friendship for the world, even if I don't talk to him all that
often, and really don't see him much.  But I also know that if I have
problems, or if he does, we can call each other, and get automatic support,
no questions asked.

The idea of my husband being with another woman makes me want to rip off his
genitalia.  Maybe someday . .:)

What's funny, is the idea of being with another man seems strange.

Re: staying friends after a breakup ... 

I have four exes.  I am able to be friendly with all but one -- but it
couldn't happen right away.  We both had to go on with our lives first.  My
first ex took 20 years or so for us to be friends ... but we had a child
together and had planned on "forever".  My second ex, it only took a few
months ... we loved each other dearly, and also had a child together, but I
think at some level we both knew that while it was intense, it wasn't forever.
My third ex, well, we broke up almost 10 years ago, and I still love him, but
going back to being friends wasn't hard.  My last ex and I broke up less than
a year ago, and we are civil, but it's not time to be friends yet.  But we
never had much in common outside of "romance", so I doubt wee'll ever be
really close friends.

Someone up there said that "staying friends" was more continuum than a binary
decision, and I have to say that that's the case.  I don't see any of my exes
often, but in most instances, I enjoy it thoroughly these days when it
happens.  Even with the one who drove me nuts and I'd have as soon strangled
as talked to for 20 years.  He finally "grew up".  (Or I did ... )

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