Dear Doctor Snord,
I have been suffering from a frequent ringing in my ears.  Do you
believe this could be caused by too much or too little iodine in
my diet?  Or is it due to antisubmarine warfare?  Please reply as
quickly as possible, because I am getting married.

27 responses total.

Dear Doctor Snord,
I have been suffering from a plague of little teeny-tiny bats lodging
in my dental cavities.  Each day at dusk the fly out in a swarm of
thousands.  Each morning they circle my head for half an hour, and
then return to (I presume) hang up-sidedown in my cavities.  If I close
my mouth, they fly in my nose.  Please reply as quickly as possible,
because this is causing my ears to ring.

Re #0: If you think you have an ear-ringing problem now, just
wait till you get married. Compared to marriage, antisubmarine
warfare is a picnic.

Re #1: Ye gads, those aren't bats -- they're tiny alien space
ships! See a dentist pronto before we're *all* overrun!

Dear Dr Snord:

Lately, whenever I step out of the shower I hear what sounds like a
large number of people laughing hysterically.  The laughter continues
until I put my clothes on.  I've never been able to discover the
source of the laughter, which seems to be coming from somewhere nearby.
What do you suppose is going on?

At a guess, you've been showering underneath Niagara Falls again,
and the laughter is coming from the tourists.  (Don't worry, it's
a common mistake, I myself have frequently ridden the Thunder Canyon
ride at Cedar Point whilst believeing myself to be bathing.)

Dear Dr Snord:

I would like to be an amature detective, like Jessica Fletcher or Mrs Marple.
First I need to discover a corpse.  Where is the best place to discover a
corpse?

Try your local morgue.  

There's one under the Maiden Lane bridge, tied down with lead
weights, that I put there only...  Oops, pretend I didn't say that.

Isn't making corpses "Do It Yourself"?

If you want to be a_mature detective, try getting a little older.

Re #3: Your experience is simply another instance of an
increasingly pervasive phenomenon: laugh tracks. Long standard
in TV sitcoms, laugh tracks are finding their way into new
arenas, evidently even including bathrooms.

It is a commonly held misconception that laugh tracks are
recorded human laughter added to sitcoms by the producers of
those programs. This is not the case. In fact, laugh tracks are
disembodied alien life forms that attach themselves to human
artifacts. Sitcoms have long been a favored choice of these
aliens inasmuch as the comedic setting provides a form of
camoflage, inasmuch as laughter is more or less expected.
I would imagine that the aliens have set up camp in your
bathroom for much the same reason.

Dear Dr. Snord:

Apropos of the approaching holiday, I have purchased a large,
headless specimen of poultry for my gustation tomorrow.  Having 
addressed queries as to its preparation elsewhere, I turn to you 
for the most burning question of all:  what do they do with
all the heads?

Thank you for your prompt and courteous response.

Re #5: Amateur detectives never discover the corpse. They only
happen to be conveniently in the vicinity when somebody *else*
discovers the corpse. To maximize the chances of this happening,
I advise you to cultivate friendships among cops and crooks.

Re #11: The turkey heads are sold to a company named Turkey Head
Salvage, Inc. I have learned that this company is nothing more
or less than a front for space aliens who are assembling them
into an enormous organic computer which they will use to exert
telepathic control over all of humankind. To thwart these
sinister efforts, I advise you to buy complete turkeys in the
future and dispose of the heads yourself.

Actually, the aliens have been putting the heads on their shelves,
and talking to them late at night.  The best thing about dead
turkey heads is that they're great listeners.

Dear Doctor Snord,
The following mathematical puzzle has been giving me quite a bit of
problems.  Since you are a genius perhaps you will be able to solve it
easily.

How many helium balloons (small) does it take to lift a dead cow?

Is that a laden or unladen dead cow?

Dear Doctor Snord:

I've been hearing a lot about the "music of the spheres".  Does this mean that
my CD player is full of spheres?  And if I removed them would it improve the
battery life?

No, you were actually reading a review of the new CD by the
alternative rock band, These Fears.  Spin gave it three stars.
The music of These Fears is worth checking out.

Re #14: The same number as it takes to lift a live cow.

Re #16: As my noble ancestor Franklin Delano Snord used to say,
        "The Only Things We Have to Sphere are Spheres
         Themselves."

Dear Dr. Snord,
What should I do to look attractive and composed when I am actually distraught
and in despair?  Someone changed a part of my life that I cherished deeply,
because it was enigmatic to start with, and became even more enigmatic
recently.  Then *someone* clarified and simplified this part of my life, and
destroyed its meaning.  Now I weep, and, let me tell you, that is Not A Good
Thing.  

Smile, and the world smiles with you.

Dear Dr. Martha Stewart Snord:

I am hosting a dinner party next week, but am not sure what exactly
"dinner" means.  In some places I have lived, it was the noon meal,'
and in others, the evening meal.  I have lost a great deal of sleep
over this, because I want to be assured that my guests will arrive
properly attired.  Whatever can I do?

--Rhetorically Challenged in Raleigh

Dinner is the meal after which even'n' occurs.  If you hold your dinner at
midday, then even'n can occur as early as 4 pm.  If you wait until 6 pm to
hold your dinner, then even'n' can't occur until 7 pm or later.  
However, d*mn Y*nk**s have been known to declare that even'n' occurs when they
put on even'n' clothes, so you just have to be sure you only invite Southern
belles and their beaus.  You hope if any of those belles are dating or married
to Y*nk**s, that they have trained the boys up right.  
Southern belles always know what to wear. (And they put their thank-you notes
in the mailbox as they leave, so you will be sure to get them the very next
day). 

Now, I've actually left my thank-you note on the sideboard on my
way out of the dining room, thank you very much.  And I've heard 
"see you aroungd two-thirty this even'n'", meaning, this afternoon.
Oh, heavens.  I'm only more confused.  Where is Dr. Martha Stewart
Snord?

I was occupied with turning my compost heap, but that is
finished now.

#19: My congratulations. That is the most enigmatic problem
description I have read in some time. An admirable job, quite
in keeping with this conference. Therefore, I shall give the
most enigmatic response I can think of:

                norflin

I hope that helps.

#21: In the Carolinas and southeastern Georgia, "dinner" can
designate either the noon or the evening meal, depending on a
complex labyrinth of conditions that even the natives are hard
put to sort out. For example, on Sundays it is normally the noon
meal *unless* the mayor held his gala annual chicken barbeque
the previous evening, in which case it is the evening meal. But
that is only one condition; there are many others which are too
numerous to enumerate here and for anybody to keep straight.

Consequently, if you invite a group of people to "dinner", some
of them will show up at noon and some of them in the evening.
Therefore, you have no choice but to host two meals on that day.
In the future, you are well-advised to use a less ambiguous term
than "dinner" when issuing invitations. For an evening meal,
invite people to a "soiree"; if the noon meal is what you have
in mind, invite them to a "chowdown".

Dear Dr. Snord:

After a slight gravitational misadventure, my toast landed on the carpet
butter-side *up* this morning.  Even after taking 5 of my little liver
pills, I am having great difficulty believing that this does not herald
some great and terrible thing.  Please set my mind at ease.

butter side up?  unheard of!
<lee ponders the physics in this>

Dear Doctor Snord,

I have an overwhelming urge to eat you and all of Ann Arbor, pimping 
many hos on the side.  In fact, it has already begun.  Whoa, do I feel 
funky!

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