How many zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Two--one to change it and one not to change it.

Please add your own zen jokes, if you know any good ones

46 responses total.

 
An oldie but a goodie:
 
Student: Does a dog have the Buddha-nature?
 
Master:  No.

How about the koan:

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

r#2: quiet

Actually, i can do it quite load.

Er, loud that is.

Heh, I guess you have more talent that me.

I have much pride in my ability to clap with one hand.
With two hands, i can make it very loud.

Just depends on what the onehand is clapping against whether
itis loud or not.

Actually, I don't ask myself why my clapping
with one hand is quiet, but rather why ever
thing else is so loud.

Uhh, I think this was for zen JOKES, not koans.
I will start a koan item to satisfy you koan lovers.

Okey, sorry.

Oops, maybe a should have added a smiley face, for the humor impaired!  ;-)

It's like the one handed fisherman that caught a fish "this big" (while
holding up one hand).

For the first time, something i saw on grex just blew my mind...

Thank you.  Thank you.  <carl bows>

What blew your mind?

It's a pity that you Americans lack the sense of humor. The original idea was
good, but what have you made of it? Well, if you are incapable of  joking about
Zen, let's start to collect jokes about other philosophies. I propose to begin
with the Existenzialism (next to Zen, in a way).

Vladimir, I'm an American, and I have a sense of humor.  I joined Grex 
after this monstrosity had died.  Let's revive it then.

If a tree falls in a State Park, and there's no-one there to see you,
will you get a fine?

You'll get not a fine, but a fine feeling that the tree had been fine. 
Thence your soul will proceed to confinement, refinement, and final
enlightenment (that's, if a ranger will trace you down). I agree that was a
monstrous item. But there are other forms of philosophical  playfulness. Let's
explore?

Fine.  Maybe we can finally find some refined humor.  :-)

Lead on, Paul Kershaw.

I've actually been thinking about the role of humor in philosophy and 
religion.  the problem is, we (Westerners, at least, and probably many 
more) are taught that there's nothing funny about it.  I disagree
completely, and while we pagan folk joke around more than most, I
am still at a loss as to where to start.  Mayhap this is why the item
originally fizzled out -- the concept was sound, but we're so used to NOT
joking  we have trouble doing it.  That, and the air of P(olitical)
C(orrectness), where a joke can set off a war or an ostracisizng, it just ain't
safe anymore. --BUT-- I'm a gonna do it anyways.

Any ideas?  It'll take me a day or so to come up with something.

I've always thought that if you take the New Testament at
face value the character of Jesus could be a very funny
guy at times.  But it's all in the interpretation.  For
example, in the episode of the woman taken in adultery,
an actor playing the role of Jesus can, and usually does
in popular portrayals, recite his lines in a slightly
pompous and totally humorless manner.  Another way of
doing it, however, might be with a (dare I say it?) wicked
sense of humor.  "Oh!" (looking up and feigning surprise)
"Where did everyone go?  Doesn't anyone want to stone you?"
"No, no one," says the woman, cowering and shivering.  He
drops the act and smiles at her, almost conspiratorially:
"Well, I don't want to stone you, either.  Why don't you
go home now."  She starts to dash off, but he grabs her
hand and says, "And don't do it anymore, okay?"  Then he
lets her go and she runs away.  Personally, I don't see
how *else* that scene can be played.  The usual pontificating
way doesn't work, psychologically or dramatically, not to
mention being theologically suspect.  Jesus made a point of
not being self-righteous or judgmental, and of not standing
above or apart from people like this woman.

The Old Testament is filled with humorous episodes, like 
the one (in Exodus? Numbers?) where Moses has led the 
Israelites out of slavery in Egypt only to hear them 
complaining about how lousy the food is in the desert 
(manna for breakfast, manna for lunch, manna for dinner), 
and reciting nostalgic lists of all the delicacies they 
used to have in the good old days back in Egypt.  Moses 
just snaps -- He storms off to God and shouts, "What am 
I, their mother?  Why do I have to listen to this crap?"  
God overreacts right back at Moses: "Oh, they want meat, 
do they?  I'll give them meat.  They're gonna have 
nothing but meat for the next month.  By the time I'm 
done with them, they're gonna have meat coming out their 
noses!"  Whereupon Moses gives the Creator of the 
Universe this Mel Brooksian answer:  "Hey, I've got six 
hundred thousand people here.  We're in the middle of the 
desert.  Where are you gonna get that kind of meat?" 

I used to think that the humor in such scenes was 
unintentional, but now I'm not so sure.  In any case, I 
certainly don't see any harm in finding the humor in them 
now.  

(Btw, biblical scenes like these give the lie to Jorge of 
Burgos's contention, in _The name of the Rose_, that 
comedy is fatal to religion.)

Fun stuff, and yeah, the Bible is full of good material.
I've always thought the whole Virgin Mary stuff was a hoot.

     "Joseph, my darling husband, I've got some good new
      and some bad news..."

     "The rabbit died but it went straight to heaven."

     "It didn't mean a thing it was just one of those 
      spur-of-the-moment out-of-body experiences and
      besides, I thought you couldn't get pregnant the
      first time."

     "Boy, when God fucks up he really fucks up."

     "Was it good for You?"  "Mary, dear, it was good
      for everyone."

I believe Eco was illustrating, among other things, about when
that shift to exclusive sobriety took place in Xianity.
At any rate, Jesus also calls Peter "the rock upon which 
to build my church" (or something like that); petros, after
all, is Greek for "rock", so I can't imagine ANY WAY that that
couldn't be intentional.
These days, he might just be a dickhead.  :-)

I always thought Cain's "Brother?  I don't have any brother.
Did you see a brother around here?"  denial was funny in a 
dark sort of way.

So, nearly a week has passed, and nobody said a word for poor girl
Mary. Brighn, a nice guy, gentleman, and correctness itself, let it pass.
Indeed, 'tis no sight for sore eyes: Mary Remmers hoofing over her 
namesake. The other Mary would have no chances: she grew up in a village,
married an unsophisticated carpenter, and knew not so many words
beginning with an "F". She had, if any, only this advantage over the
modern Mary:

She was plain but not vulgar.

The Mary you adore is plastic and sits amongst fake hay 
wearing the wrong color skin.  But if it works for you,
great.  I sure hope if she ever did live she was more
than what you admire.

I don't see any evidence that Vladimir adores her, and anyway
her name was Miriam.  

I've never found Zen humor to be terribly humorous.  It usually
involves something like a student asking the master how do you
find enlightenment, and the master whacks him on the head with
a stick by way of an answer.  No wonder the Germans and the Japanese
got along so well in WW II.  

(Actually, Mary didn't know ANY words beginning with the Roman letter "f",
since I doubt sheknew any Latin.  :-)  
It is not my place to either defend or insult 
Mary, Mother of Jesus, not having her in my pantheon and never 
having met her personally.  
I think, though, that Vladimir's reaction to Mary (Remmers) is an 
illustration of what I mentioned a few items back:  religion can be
a touchy subject, and humor might too easily offend (that is in defense
of Mary the Other One).
I had a Zen joke, but now I've forgotten it.  I'll remember it.

"I had a Zen joke, but now I've forgotten it" is a pretty
good Zen joke all by itself.

Gee, and that one was  unintentional.
The master speaks:  "
"I had a dream in which I was a butterfly.  When I awakened, I was a human
again.  But then I wondered:  was I a human, dreaming of being a butterfly,
or a butterfly dreaming of being a human?  I was amazed at the concept:
realizing the potential for being made that being potential.  And, so,
the next night, I dreamed of sleeping with three beautiful naked babes.
The next morning, when I awoke, my wife had had triplets."

Yes Michael, the German humor is awful indeed, and let's not introduce it here.
The last several responses are really out of place in this conference. 
Initially I meant mild harmless playfulness with a slight philosophic
tinge. The thing didn't work -- nothing doing. Whoever on Grex has the
right of creating new items, they must have been fast asleep or do not care.
The last one (about shit) has nothing in common with Directions at all.

Thank you, thank you everybody.  It's great to back in Ryoanji.  

A funny thing happened on my way to the temple.  I'm walking 
along minding my own business, and all of a sudden I come to a 
stream, and who should be standing on the edge of the stream 
but a gorgeous young woman.  She obviously wants to wade across 
but she's afraid to dip her foot into the water.  I figure I'll 
be Mr Nice Guy for a change, so I pick her up and carry her 
across.  Three hours later we're setting up camp for the night, 
and I notice my accolyte is being kinda quiet.  So I go, 
"What's buggin' you, kid?" and he goes, "Master, you know we're 
forbidden to come into contact with women, so how come you 
picked up that woman in your arms and carried her across the 
stream?"  I look at him and go, "Are you still carrying that 
woman?  I SET HER DOWN THREE HOURS AGO!"  [ba-da-boom!] 

Thank you, thank you very much.  Hey what's with these 
accolytes nowadays?  I'm serving breakfast the other day, going 
from accolyte to accolyte saying, "Have a muffin."  This one 
accolyte looks up at me and says, "You always say the same 
thing!  It doesn't matter if the person you're serving is 
polite or rude, skinny or fat, lazy or hard-working.  All you 
say is 'Have a muffin.'  What gives?"  I go, "HAVE A MUFFIN!"  
[ba-dupp boom!] 

Hey, when I'm hungry I eat, when I'm tired I sleep.  [ba-boom!] 

Thank you, thank you, you're a great audience.  I tell you, 
these accolytes ask the darndest questions.  The other day, a 
bunch of them come running up to me, all shouting together at 
once.  I finally get them calmed down, and one of them proceeds 
to tell me that they just saw Master Mishimoto attacked on the 
road by bandits, and he screamed when they were stabbing him to 
death.  I go, "So?"  The accolyte says, "But you always told us 
how great and wise Master Mishimoto was because he renounced 
all worldly things and gave no regard for himself.  If that's 
true, then why did he scream?"  I go, "BECAUSE HE WAS BEING 
STABBED TO DEATH BY BANDITS!"  [ba-da-boom!] 

Thank you, you've been a great crowd...  

Given the choice between Catholic bashing and, er, those...  ;-)

LEt's not do either.  Let's Pagan bash!
(I can do that!)

On the topic of humor in religion, I remember hearing some time ago of
a native american tribe ( i forget which one exactly) in which some religious
ceremonies are interuppted by humorous sections.  Many western anthropologists
considered this to be 'comic relief', but the truth turned out to be that
this particular tribe considered the humor just as 'sacred' as the rest of 
life...

If anyone's interested, there's a book here at my local library that has 
Zen koans with answers....

answers?  you mean there are right answers?  perish the thought!

yes there are. and i can find out and post them if anyone wants.

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss