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| Author |
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| 25 new of 98 responses total. |
twenex
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response 50 of 98:
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Nov 14 17:00 UTC 2003 |
I thought you meant Jim was driving you crazy...
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gelinas
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response 51 of 98:
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Nov 14 18:18 UTC 2003 |
Well, this *is* the 'humor' item, Sindi. Perhaps you thought it was Item Ate?
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keesan
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response 52 of 98:
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Nov 14 20:49 UTC 2003 |
Yes I thought it was item ate - weren't people talking about food? I guess
it is funny that I got the wrong item. I cannot see on my screen which item
it is (dialed in directly with Kermit).
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remmers
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response 53 of 98:
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Nov 14 22:23 UTC 2003 |
(You can always type 'h' at the "Respond or pass" prompt to see the
item header.)
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aruba
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response 54 of 98:
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Nov 14 22:53 UTC 2003 |
(not that it's a big deal)
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albaugh
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response 55 of 98:
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Nov 19 19:03 UTC 2003 |
Now I know you are a fastidious house keeper and need no help whatsoever.
However, you may be very glad to get these cleaning tips.
Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15
and leave it alone.
Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that
the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim,
"What? And spoil the mood?"
(I just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations).
Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play
animals for children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter).
Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl, and say, "I'd love you to see
our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive."
Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist,
"This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
Painting: Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say,
"Junior did this when he was 3 years old,
and I haven't had the heart to clean it."
General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four
cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch,
and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get anywhere."
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan,
turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale
for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.
If the house is clean, the computer has crashed.
("A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.")
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albaugh
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response 56 of 98:
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Nov 19 19:11 UTC 2003 |
The Creation of Michigan
Once upon a time in the kingdom of heaven, God was missing for six days.
j
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth,
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be
a hot spot. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is
a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass
and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth.
You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the hand of God.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills.
The people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous;
and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hard working, and high achieving; and they will be
known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the nincompoops I'm putting around
them in Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, and Canada."
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gull
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response 57 of 98:
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Nov 19 19:26 UTC 2003 |
Re #55:
"If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door."
The sad thing is, I actually do this.
Re #56: <snicker>
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keesan
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response 58 of 98:
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Nov 19 20:49 UTC 2003 |
I thought everybody cleaned into one room. Or the basement.
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albaugh
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response 59 of 98:
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Nov 21 18:07 UTC 2003 |
Or under one gigantic rug. :-)
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albaugh
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response 60 of 98:
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Nov 24 16:14 UTC 2003 |
Below is an elementary school joke related by my 10-year-old:
An airplane was flying full of passengers when suddenly the bottom of the
fuselage sheared away. All the passengers were hanging on by their hands
for dear life. Somehow it was determined that one of the passengers had
to let go, so that the plane wouldn't crash and the others would be saved.
The poor fellow chosen to make the sacrifice made such an impassioned speech
about what an honor it was to save his fellow passengers, whatever,
they were all so moved they applauded...
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albaugh
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response 61 of 98:
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Nov 24 16:14 UTC 2003 |
For those of you with graphical web browsers:
Click on the link below to see a cute little animation just in time for the
Thanksgiving holiday. If you have sound, you will get to hear the animation
accompanied by "Turkey in the Straw". :-)
http://213.52.196.82/viewcard.asp?code=0183913358
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happyboy
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response 62 of 98:
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Nov 24 18:10 UTC 2003 |
http://members.verizon.net/vze47msr/Sig-n-Roy.gif
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willcome
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response 63 of 98:
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Nov 24 19:11 UTC 2003 |
http://whorewhorewhore.whore.whore/
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edina
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response 64 of 98:
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Nov 25 15:39 UTC 2003 |
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna ride bikes?
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happyboy
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response 65 of 98:
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Nov 25 16:45 UTC 2003 |
that's not very funn...hey look, cows!
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tod
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response 66 of 98:
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Nov 25 16:56 UTC 2003 |
This response has been erased.
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edina
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response 67 of 98:
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Nov 25 17:08 UTC 2003 |
Hah!
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happyboy
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response 68 of 98:
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Nov 25 17:08 UTC 2003 |
my mom said i can't have no icecream on account of it
might make me hyperac...
/falls off of desk and breaks arm
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albaugh
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response 69 of 98:
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Nov 25 18:49 UTC 2003 |
(.44 = 11/25, which is also how you write today's date;
now on to the punishment! :-)
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condoments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeet.
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willcome
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response 70 of 98:
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Nov 27 07:57 UTC 2003 |
whores with bad under"ware"
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albaugh
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response 71 of 98:
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Dec 10 05:42 UTC 2003 |
This is somewhat "humorous" while mildly educational:
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
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other
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response 72 of 98:
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Dec 10 05:49 UTC 2003 |
7/10 :)
go to http://google.com
type in "miserable failure" without the quotes
click "I'm Feeling Lucky"
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gelinas
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response 73 of 98:
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Dec 10 14:19 UTC 2003 |
7/10 too.
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dcat
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response 74 of 98:
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Dec 10 17:56 UTC 2003 |
re resp:72 -- see http://www.livejournal.com/~juicycat/16114.html
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