response 51 of 93:

Jul 3 04:51 UTC 2003

#50:  Yum.  :)

response 53 of 93:

Jul 25 11:27 UTC 2003

[It's been a while since this was posted.]

              Taco Bell Ritual

The moon was full and the streets were glowing with
power on this appointed day. Clad in ritual garb, I
silently walked towards my place of worship.

Soon it towered before me: Taco Bell. The mirror of my
heart and the captain of my soul. I closed my eyes to
ground and center. As I felt my inner power grow, I
intoned the ancient chant: 59-79-99, 59-79-99.

I watched almost from a distance as my hand reached
out and opened the door to this holy temple of human
desire. I entered the ritual space deliberately, but
reverently. As the door closed behind me and the
sounds of the street faded to a negligible chatter, I
could begin to hear the spirits of this domain in
their eternal song. Their song took the melody from
the chorus of that famous pagan song by Peter Murphy:
Taco, Burritos, Mexi-Nuggets, Nachos, Soft Drink,
Tostada.

As I took my place at the rear of the line of novices,
I could see and hear ahead of me the graceful
movements and words of the purple-clad priests and
priestesses. One of the elders was imparting magickal
wisdom to a young initiate: "Turn that stove down -
the tortillas are getting charred!" Ah, I thought,
they have not forgotten the burning times.

Yesterday, upon the advice of a wise urban shaman I
met late at night in Pioneer Square, I had stuffed a
taco in my pants. I could still feel its pressure
against my second chakra, filling my body with its
warm, yet chile energy.

Soon I reached the front of the line of novices. A
sacred temple priestess stood before me, clad in a hat
bearing the logo of her order. "My Will is four light
bean burritos, hold the cheese, with a small soft
drink. So mote it be." The power present in the room
twisted her face into what in mundane life would be
interpreted as confusion. I made the ritual offering
of metal discs, gifts of the earth, as she made the
traditional magickal response: "Would you like that
for here or to go?"

At last, I was ready to take my place at an altar. My
four burritos, wrapped in their silver metallic
wrappers, lay before me. "Shining ones," I murmured. I
was profoundly moved, almost swooning as I reverently
took one out of its wrapper. "May you never hunger," I
said as I emptied a ritual sauce packet on it.

Now it was time to invoke an element. "I call air," I
said as I farted noisily. The novice behind me made a
gagging sound and moved away. "Oh well," I told him,
"go if you must, stay if you will." Next, thinking on
the Great Rite, I inserted my straw into my soft
drink.

The room was swirling with energy. I felt my stomach
turn in sympathy. I hoped I wouldn't have to go to the
toilet to practice the law of threefold return.
Quickly, I reestablished my grounding.

But the energy was at its peak, and I could hold my
voice back no longer. Leaping on my chosen altar and
holding my atham-burrito high, I cried, "Trifold
taco! Be with us now as we honor you with cup and
bean!" It was a transcendent moment. The quizzical
looks on the faces of the novices before me only
deepened the sense of profound mystery that I knew we
must all be feeling.

But by the appearance of the two large uniformed
gentlemen in front of me, I knew that my role in this
ritual had come to a close. I felt as they dragged me
out the door that my feet were not even touching the
ground. With my soul in the clouds and my feet on the
earth, I turned to the outer doors of the temple and
bowed my head. Merry eat, and merry fart, and merry
eat again.

                   Blessed bean!

response 55 of 93:

Jul 26 21:51 UTC 2003

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Think outside the bun!

response 61 of 93:

Aug 1 04:08 UTC 2003

The poet or the Supreme Court Justice?

response 63 of 93:

Aug 2 03:58 UTC 2003

Well, the Tao and Zen are a little different-- the Tao is very inward 
directed, and Zen is very outward directed, from what I hear.  I am 
reading the Tao Te Ching right now.

response 65 of 93:

Aug 4 07:22 UTC 2003

re63: what translation?

response 67 of 93:

Aug 6 17:02 UTC 2003

According to a news report, a school in Washington recently was faced 
with a unique problem. A number of 13-year-old girls who had just started 
using lipstick would put it on in the school bathroom. Which was fine, 
but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving hundreds of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put more there. Finally the principal decided that 
something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these 
lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean 
the mirrors every night. 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

response 69 of 93:

Aug 6 17:08 UTC 2003

i hope that's true.

response 71 of 93:

Aug 7 21:04 UTC 2003

Even if this is an urban leged, it's pretty funny.  :-)


Subject: Thanks for Flying.....


Air Safety:

Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a
memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants.

In his own words....

I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight
attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking
at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop
and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget.  I've left out a few parts
I'm sure, but this is most of it.


Before takeoff...

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco.
If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place.
If you're not going to San Francisco,

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this
aircraft.  The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...
The Flight Attendants.  Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, 
and one out the plane's rear end.  If you're seated in one of the exit rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet.  That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit.
In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, 
you'll be glad you did.  We have pretty blinking lights on the floor
that will blink in the direction of the exits.
White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down
over your head.  You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight
attendant is doing now.  The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there,
promise.  If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.  
If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to
decide which one is your favorite.  Help that one-first, and then work your
way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of
this plane.  I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer.
It makes a very good fan.  It also has pretty pictures.  
Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
tight about your waist.  To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle.  To release, it's a pulley thing-not a pushy thing like your car
because you're in an airplane - HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight.  There is also no smoking
in the lavatories.  If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will
assume you are on fire and put you out.  This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight...  hold on, let me check
what it is...  Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get
really dark, really fast.  If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good
time to reach up and press the yellow button.  The yellow button turns on
your reading light.  Please don't press the orange button unless you 
absolutely have to.  The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight.  Thank you for choosing
Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money.  If there's anything
we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation,
wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.

Sorry about the bumpy landing.  It's not the captain's fault.
It's not the co-pilot's fault.  It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.  
So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

response 73 of 93:

Aug 8 02:39 UTC 2003

I can only imagine listening intently and laughing my food head off.