response 28 of 79:

Oct 14 06:35 UTC 2000

Hmm.  Fascinating question.  

Until about three years ago, I'd've said something nearly identical to 
gull's #11.  Now... sorta.  I've stopped bending over backwards to try 
and make others like me.  I eventually came to understand that basing my 
self-worth on others was very, very bad for me, and not particularly 
good for them, either.  So.  I'm not as obsessed with figuring out what 
others think and trying to please them as I had been.  Over the last 
year or two I've made many decisions that I *know* displeased or 
confused people who I care about.  I decided, hey, I can live with 
that.  But I still felt sad about it.  And on some level I still want 
everyone to like me, and I end up being very shy of people I don't know 
well because of this.

I think that, while obsessing over what others think may not be the best 
approach, completely ignoring it may not be good either.  The attitude 
of beeswing's friend in #15 seems to be taking it too far, I'd think, 
since others can provide helpful feedback and a different perspective 
and so on, and therefore listening to them can be helpful.  Not to 
mention that not listening at all can make you a little remote from 
people.

Re #8: I think that online people are real people.  I also think that I 
don't worry about their opinions of me as much as I do people I meet in 
the alleged real world.  Some of this is simply that a lot of the people 
I see exclusively online are people I talk with only occasionally, and 
will probably never end up knowing well, so there's a strangers-on-a-
plane feeling to it, I guess.  A lot of it, though, is that seeing only 
someone's words, rather than their tone of voice and facial cues and so 
on, is "safer" somehow, and makes me less self-conscious.  It's not that 
I don't care what people here think of me so much as that it's much 
easier to not let it worry me.

response 30 of 79:

Oct 14 06:55 UTC 2000

So did your momma.

response 32 of 79:

Oct 16 14:18 UTC 2000

re resp:27 -- That is, of course, an important question.  As I said (well,
I don't think I actually said it, but I alluded to it), the ultimate goal of
my social interactions is to maximize my own happiness.  This is a complex
goal with many subgoals, which have changed and are changing with experience.
For example, as I said, I find that I'm happier when other people like me.
But I've also found (the hard way, as I imagine most people do...) that I'm
*not* capable of being happy if *I* don't like me.
  The answer to your question of how far I'll go to garner like and respect
is, essentially, that I try to act so as to incur a net gain in my own
happiness.  (Whether I tend to work more towards long term net gains or short
term depends largely upon my mood.  :)  So, if doing something to garner
like and respect from others will cause me to dislike myself (or, more
realistically, contribute negatively toward my total opinion of myself), it
will probably result in a net loss of happiness, and I won't do it.  
  I consider myself "largely self-motivated" because my own opinion of
myself is almost certainly the largest single factor in my happiness
quotient (to neologize), but there are definitely other, even external, 
factors.  

response 34 of 79:

Oct 27 15:04 UTC 2000

the only people whose opinions matter to me, are of course myself and
hubby's.
it really does not matter if anyone else likes me or not.
b ut then again, a lot of you online folk intertwine your lives
so personally online that you become easy to manipulate.
you either like me because i *want* you to like me, or you hate me
because i *want* you to hate me.
i push a button here, and pull a string there, and TA-DA!  you are
doing a nice little dance for me.

if you feel like your personal lives are out of control, then there is probably
a reason for 
it.  you stick an apple in your mouth, and throw yourselves on a silver
platter with a sign that says "come and get it!"
fools!

response 36 of 79:

Oct 27 15:52 UTC 2000

Wow, textbook sociopathic attitude.

response 38 of 79:

Oct 27 16:45 UTC 2000

Iggy.  Anne slipped in.

response 40 of 79:

Oct 27 17:30 UTC 2000

Ditto Hmm.  I wonder, if you try and manipulate someone, and t hey don't do
they way you want them to, do you say "I'm meant to do that" or do you just
shrug it off..

I think that everyone has a need to be recognized in a favorable light by
others around them.  It's part of who we are, and we are conditioned to it
as children that doing something and getting a happy positive response from
others is good and makes us feel good, and even gets us stuff sometimes.  As
we get older, we can try and determine how much impact it has on our concious
minds and reactions, but when someone smiles at you as you walk down the
stree, ot if someone passes you and comments on how nice you look, it makes
you feel good.  And by the same token, if they glare at you in the grocery
line, or roll their eyes when you talk, or just avoid you, while you may shrug
it off, just like Pavlov's dogs, it still gets a reaction out of you.

I guess the honest question is, how do we break the conditioning or how do
we justify needing other people?

response 42 of 79:

Oct 27 20:02 UTC 2000

  It's OK folks..  Nothing to see here, just move along..

response 44 of 79:

Oct 28 12:40 UTC 2000

mcnally gets it.

response 46 of 79:

Oct 28 14:39 UTC 2000

Er, strike "neighbors".  I don't know how that got in there. 
These folks can make lowsy neighbors. ;-)

response 48 of 79:

Oct 28 19:48 UTC 2000

Well, some people strive to be recognized as likable people by their
neighbors, and some strive to be recognized as wild and free mavericks by
their neighbors.

response 50 of 79:

Oct 29 03:50 UTC 2000

On the other hand, I would trust iggy.