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| Author |
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| 18 new of 42 responses total. |
lumen
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response 25 of 42:
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Jan 6 23:04 UTC 1999 |
No, a staff infection. Must have got it from all the bass fishing.
They said I couldn't tuna fish, but I fiddled with its scales.
Speaking of fiddling, someone told me they could play the piano by ear and
I said that was nothing since I could fiddle with my whiskers.
I talked to a colleague in the brass section and he said there was a guy they
nicknamed "Boner" for more reasons than one..
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cloud
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response 26 of 42:
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Jan 9 02:36 UTC 1999 |
<I give up, You win, Jon>
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lumen
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response 27 of 42:
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Jan 9 22:31 UTC 1999 |
by a slim margin-- I used part of my own material twice, but the second time
it was a much better delivery, and better timing :)
more stand-up comedy style :)
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bookworm
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response 28 of 42:
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Mar 12 06:45 UTC 1999 |
Urgh! Groan!
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lumen
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response 29 of 42:
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Mar 12 07:14 UTC 1999 |
There were two sea-living buddies by the name of Larry Lobster and Sam
Clam. Larry was a peaceful soul and lived the quiet life, but Sam was a
wild party animal. When they died, they died together, and they went up
to the pearly gates to meet St. Peter.
St. Peter looked over Larry's records, and said, "Well, Larry, you have
lived a pious life and will be permitted to sing the praises of a just
God. You may enter into heaven, to sing with the heavenly choirs."
Larry asked, "Does my friend Sam get to come, too?"
After a moment of checking, St. Peter replied, "No, he may not. I'm
sorry, Sam, but you have lived an unrepentant life of sin. You will go
into the inferno of hell."
So Sam was sent to hell.
Well, Larry enjoyed singing with the angels and playing his harp, but he
missed his little friend. Besides, sitting around all day singing and
playing the harp got a little boring sometimes, even though liked to
play the harp very much. So Larry asked St. Peter if he could be
permitted to see his friend one last time. After some reluctance, St.
Peter agreed. "However, you must return here within 24 hours," he said,
"and you will not be allowed to return."
Larry agreed, and he was off.
When he arrived in hell, he was rather astonished. He could hear loud
music and some kind of party going. When he asked where Sam was, he was
directed to "the hippest and grooviest joint in hell."
Sam was the DJ of the biggest discotechque in all of hell. "Hey,
Larry," Sam said, "Hell is great! You should be down here! All the
scratching on the turntables and spinning and changing the LPs is
torture on the wrists sometimes, but man, what a gas!"
Larry had to admit his friend looked like he was enjoying himself, and
finally agreed to party down with his friend. But time flies when
you're having fun, as they say, and Larry almost forgot the time. When
he realized he had to be back, he hurried away back to heaven, much to
the dismay of his friend, who wanted him to stay.
"But I have to go back to heaven. I have to," Larry said.
So off Larry raced. He was in so much of a hurry he forgot something
important.
He forgot his instrument.
When Larry reached the pearly gates, he realized his harp was gone.
"St. Peter, I have to go back," he said. "I forgot my harp!"
"You cannot," said St. Peter, and that was that.
Well, poor Larry was forced to sing a capella, and he even wrote a song
about his sad, sad tale. It's still being sung today. It goes like
this:
"I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.."
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bookworm
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response 30 of 42:
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Mar 12 07:28 UTC 1999 |
That's even worse the second time through.
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orinoco
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response 31 of 42:
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Mar 12 21:44 UTC 1999 |
That's just....bizzarre....
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lumen
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response 32 of 42:
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Mar 15 23:21 UTC 1999 |
No, that's just..old? Haven't you ever heard it? It's one of my
childhood memories..
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orinoco
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response 33 of 42:
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Mar 16 02:53 UTC 1999 |
No, I've never heard that particular one. And I guess shaggy dog stories are
known for their irrelevant setups, but this one drifted even farther than
most.
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albaugh
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response 34 of 42:
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Mar 18 22:40 UTC 1999 |
I think it's worthy! :-)
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bookworm
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response 35 of 42:
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Apr 7 06:31 UTC 1999 |
It's a groaner. Next?
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albaugh
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response 36 of 42:
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Oct 26 17:46 UTC 2000 |
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to
be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a guitar player with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant".
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What has 3 teeth and an I.Q. of 47?
A: The first 4 rows at a Marilyn Manson Concert.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximation.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between the front desk of violins
and the back desk of violins?
A: At least a semi-tone!
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: How does a french horn player's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.
Q: What do a piccolo and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven - if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm,
and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One".
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violinist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer,
incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians,
the result of which is ignored by the audience.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Audition: The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the
sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to
become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff
until you find it again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny
Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor,
then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate
to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"
Did you hear about the cellist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
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lumen
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response 37 of 42:
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Oct 28 00:54 UTC 2000 |
<rotflmao>
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sspan
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response 38 of 42:
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Nov 4 22:58 UTC 2000 |
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days
later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some
strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified,
the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent
close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from
the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for
a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and
it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening;
"There's
the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate;
he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery,
"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven
decomposing."
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dbratman
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response 39 of 42:
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Nov 9 05:49 UTC 2000 |
Gary Larson used that joke with a drawing of the deceased maestro
decomposing at the piano. One of his more memorable attempts, to put
it politely.
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ashke
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response 40 of 42:
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Jan 5 13:49 UTC 2001 |
A man left his bagpipes in the back seat with the window rolled down.
Realizing his mistake after only a few blocks, he hurried back - but it was
too late! Someone had ALREADY left another set of bagpipes next to the
first...
How many lead-singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - she just holds the bulb over her head, and the universe revolves
around her!
What's the difference between a snake and a trombone player, both dead in the
road?
The snake MIGHT have been on it's way to a paying gig...
How do you know it's a drummer who's at your door?
The knocking speeds up, and slows down, and speeds up, and...
In the Amazon, why should you only be afraid when the drums STOP beating?
That means the guitar solo is gonna start...
Did you hear about the bass-player who locked himself out of his convertible,
with the top down? The drummer had to break a window to get out...
Why do bagpipers walk as they play?
To get away from the sound...
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albaugh
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response 41 of 42:
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Jan 15 04:20 UTC 2001 |
Sung to the tune of Immortal, Invisible:
Immoral, impossible. God only knows
How tenors and basses, sopranos, altos
At service on Sunday are rarely the same
As those who on Thursday to choir practice came.
Unready, unable to sight-read the notes,
Nor counting, nor blending, they tighten their throats.
The descant so piercing is soaring above
The melody only a mother could love.
They have a director, but no one knows why.
No one in the choir deigns to turn her an eye.
It's clear by her waving, she wants them to look,
But each of them stands with his nose in the book.
Despite their offenses, the music rings out.
The folks in the pews are enraptured, no doubt.
Their faces are blissful, their thoughts are so deep,
But it is no wonder, for they are asleep.
Linda Mack
Andrews University
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dbratman
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response 42 of 42:
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Jan 17 03:35 UTC 2001 |
Oh, that's good. My wife, the church choir director, doesn't know this
song (I suppose it's probably Protestant, while she's Catholic), but
the parody encapsulates everything she tells me about her choir.
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