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| Author |
Message |
allida
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sonnet
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Jan 23 00:16 UTC 1999 |
I store for you somewhere a knot in me
Its filled with all I know that's shining light.
Its hard to avoid but harder to see
For there is naught in me for you to fight.
Indeed within my soul for you to catch
There Lies a gift of love you've not untied.
When the world may decide to be a wrtech
and hits you hardest in structures untried,
I reveal this knot to you but know, dear,
I pray you not to steal away this love
Because I hold inme a touch of fear
That in your soul a lie may dwell to shove
Away this gift which I have shown to free
For it perceives in me an enemy.
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| 15 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 15:
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Jan 23 22:29 UTC 1999 |
I dunno...this sounds a little forced to me, and the rhythm's off in a whole
bunch of lines. The tying/untying/knots images for love are cool, though.
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allida
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response 2 of 15:
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Jan 23 23:06 UTC 1999 |
it is my first attempt at a sonnet :P hopefully i will get better as i go :)
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orinoco
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response 3 of 15:
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Jan 24 18:31 UTC 1999 |
really? I thought I'd seen sonnets of yrs posted in this conf. a while ago.
I guess I'm just confused.
My suggestion would be to try to change the word order to it's more natural,
i.e. "I store a knot for you somewhere in me" rather than "I store for you
somewhere a knot in me". I know it's tempting for me when writing sonnets
to try and mimic Shakespeare's reversed word order, but in fact even
Shakespeare keeps his sentences in normal word order whenever he can.
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