Help! I'm Melting.....! (long diatribe)

Sep 9 22:31 UTC 1997

This is only really a tangentially "women's" issue -- except of course 
that in our culture a woman is judge "by the pound".

All my life I've thought of myself as very fat.  (Old photographs tell a 
different story -- but emotionally at least, fat is in the eye of the 
beholder.)  

For much of my adult life I *have* been quite fat.  Dieting has tended 
to backfire on me.  I lose a bit of weight, only to gain it all back 
plus more when I go back to eating a normal diet.  (I do mean normal - 
I'm not an especially big eater.)  So I gave up dieting a *long* 
time ago.  

I've worked hard to accept my body-as-it-is, and to improve my self 
image.  I look very much like my female relatives -- sturdy and 
luxurious -- and I came to like the connection to my history and even 
(believe it or not) the way I looked so strong and female and the 
graceful way my clothes fit.  I became a fat activist and worked to help 
other people get off the dieting merry-go-round, eat healthily and learn 
to like themselves for who they are and what they look like today.

Several months ago, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  That tends to 
pack the weight on, and it came as no real surprise because many of my 
female relatives on both sides of the family had thyroid trouble.  

A few months later I was also diagnosed as diabetic.  That also 
tends to pack on the pounds in the early stages and was also not a major 
shock, since that runs in the family, too.  I've since started taking 
synthroid and have been keeping my bloodsugar under control with a 
healthy regimine of balanced eating and mild exercise.

Then came the shock.

Although neither the diet nor the exercise are strenuous, nor very 
different from how I've lived before, my Dr. tells me that I'm losing 
weight very quickly and that by my next birthday I will quite possibly 
have lost 100-120 pounds and be down to the size 16 I wore in college.  
Whats more, she doubts that the weight is likely to bounce back as long 
as my health problems are under control.

You'd think I'd be thrilled.  Isn't this every womans dream?  Losing 
hundreds of pounds with no effort?  Well, no.  You see, back in college 
I had a terrible self image problem.  I hated the way I looked, I didn't 
like much at all about myself at all.  

All the work I've done on my self esteem has included my body shape and 
size as an integral part of it.  I'm having some real trouble with 
watching my body change shape out of my control.  Mostly I've been able 
to just roll up the waist bands on my trousers and ignore it (I gave up 
on scales 20 years ago) -- but now other people are beginning to notice. 

They all seem to assume that 
           a) this is something I'm working hard at (nope, I think my 
              total calorie count is up on this diet -- it's how I eat, 
              not lack of eating that's made the difference.) and 
           b) that it's an unmitigated "good thing(tm)".  

I don't think it is.  All my beautiful clothes hang funny now and it'll 
cost me a fortune to have them altered.  My self esteem is getting kind 
of rocky as I'm taking up less space and feeling less and less like a 
powerful presense in the world.  The face that looks back in the mirror 
is beginning to look unfamiliar.  

And worst of all, I don't know what to say to all those well meaning 
people who keep congratulating me on this disaster.  I feel like a cheat 
and a fool if I just say thanks and let them go on believing that I like 
this or that I'd waste time and energy *dieting* of all things.  I feel 
like a railer against the winds when I try to explain that it's an 
accident I hope will go away in time.  So, I've settled on a wan smile 
and "You're so kind.  I know illness has really taken its toll on my 
looks and I appreciate your senstivity to my feelings."

I'm becoming afraid.  Not terror stricken -- just nervous.  What will it 
do to my self esteem if I start to look like the magazine prescriptions 
I've rejected all these years?  Will I have to start all over again to 
learn to like myself as I am?  Will my husband still find me as 
attractive if I melt down to nearly nothing? Will I look like a 
"sell-out to the diet industry" to all those fine folks I've worked with 
to accept our beauty at whatever our size?  Will I ever find that 
perfect blue silk dress again -- in my new size?  Where will the money 
come from to replace my whole warbrobe?

It's not a big enough problem to risk losing my legs and feet, my eyes 
and my kidneys, so letting my blood sugar spin out of control again is 
no answer.  It's not scary enough to go back to the exhaustion and 
perpetual discomfort of low thyroid.  Maybe it'll plateau before the Dr. 
thinks it will and there won't be a major change after all. 

The point of all this?  Dunno.  

Maybe it's my way of asking that when you see me, if I look very 
different, please don't comment about the size and shape of my body.  If 
you meet an old friend who's lost a great deal of weight, consider 
before you congratulate him or her that it may be the result of a change 
in health.  Don't assume that skinny is always a triumph.

Thanks.

response 2 of 200:

Sep 10 11:37 UTC 1997

Interesting...

Something I wondered about lately is what I would do if my doctor said, "You
need to gain (x, say 50 or 100) pounds to be healthy.  The tendonitis, poor
knees, etc will all clear right up once you've done that."
I'm still not sure what I would do in that case.

Sounds like you're being bumped out of a comfortable
pattern, which can be a good thing (apart from the obvious effects) if you
can grow your inner self more in the process.  You might look at this as an
opportunity to shake what you might have as bad habits, now that you are
already into some changes.  Perhaps (if you can find the time) you might
get into martial arts (great for self confidence, but not for everybody), or 
something else you've never done (and perhaps been interested in).

response 4 of 200:

Sep 10 12:50 UTC 1997

Hmmm...

I'd say that you don't have to worry about going back to the same body you
didn't like, since there is going to be some muscle you likely didn't have
before.  Whether or not you keep the image, you will be still be *strong*,
mentally as well as physically.  Sounds also like you are still a little
over-concerned about being a certain image... you took a big step by getting
to where you didn't have to be thin, now perhaps you can take another step
and discover you don't have to be any particular shape or size.

response 8 of 200:

Sep 10 16:51 UTC 1997

Heat intolerance is a sign of diabetes????  Lordy, I should have gotten 
treatment *years* ago, but in all the lists of symptoms I knew about 
that never came up!!

Thank you, everyone.  

> I applaud you for being able to truly accept yourself -- <snip>
> could you possibly reverse it to accept this new body?

I guess I'm going to have to, Sarah.  I know that what I've done once, I 
can do again.  It's just a daunting prospect.  I think what worries me 
most is the question of "now that my body is changing out of my control, 
where will it end?"  (And thanks for the compliment.)

> Sounds like you're being bumped out of a comfortable pattern, which 
> can be a good thing (apart from the obvious effects) if you can grow 
> your inner self more in the process.  You might look at this as an
> opportunity to shake what you might have as bad habits, now that you 
> are already into some changes.  Perhaps (if you can find the time) you 
> might get into martial arts (great for self confidence, but not for 
> everybody), or something else you've never done (and perhaps been 
> interested in).

Good points, Scott.  Until you mentioned that I wasn't quite aware that 
what was bothering me so much was the dread "change".  I don't usually 
have a problem with change -- boredom is usually a more bitter enemy.  
But this last couple of years has been fraught with changes both good 
and bad and I had been looking forward to a little boredom.  ;)  

Bad habits?  Me?  Naw!  <grin>  Well, maybe.  I've gotten pretty 
sedentary in the last few years.  I used to be very physically active 
until several years ago when I found that no matter how hard I tried, I 
seemed to be getting weaker with every passing day.  Each week, the Pico 
walk was harder and harder.  Finally, walking up stairs to my 3rd floor 
flat would wear me out for hours.  And  I'm finding that now that I'm 
getting healthier, activity sounds like fun again.  

Martial arts is defintely not for me -- I'm too physically timid and too 
viscerally pacifist.  I have, however taken up beladi, an old love I 
gave up 18 years ago when I kept fainting during my pregnancy with 
Corey.  (Then with two kids, I simply didn't have the time or energy.) 

> Without regard to your present, past or future weight, I'm
> glad you are healthier.

Thanks, Mary.  Me, too!  

Fortunately once I knew what the problem was, I brought my blood sugar 
from 275 down to an average of 90 within 3 weeks with just carbohydrate 
balancing, and then exercise once I got my energy back a bit.

> Regarding your concern over a changing body image - you are
> not your body.  You know this.  Now believe it.  Make friends
> with change.  For a more detailed analysis of how this is done
> see Buddhism. ;-)

I'm the most Buddhist pagan I know!  <grin>  I know it's shallow, but I 
really am very image conscious.  How I look and the image I present to 
the world is very important to me.  I know there are more important 
things about me -- for instance I get told pretty frequently (by 
relative strangers, even! <g>) that I seem very serene and peaceful.  
Y'all know that t'aint always so -- but I do think I'm more at peace 
with myself and my life than many people are.  

<valerie hugs misti comfortingly>

Thanks, Valerie.  Actually, you've become one of my models for how it's 
possible to be a big person without having a large body.  Your inner 
strength has always impressed me and it's that, after all, rather than 
fat per se, that I really wanted.

> I like her too, (even though it is only in cyberspace).  <snip> Your > 
size has no influence on that whatsoever.

Thank you, clees!  We'll have to change that "only in cyberspace" part 
one day.  Now that my son is living in Scandinavia he and I have made 
plans to meet in Amsterdam one summer.  Perhaps I could make a side trip 
to meet you also.

Thanks, folks, for all your support.  I feel much better today, 
especially after meeting you hear and being reminded that a person is 
much more than what she shows the world.  I'll keep that in mind and 
find other ways to show the world who I am.

response 10 of 200:

Sep 12 22:33 UTC 1997

Re: Thin=Good
People occasionally act jealous of me, being as I can eat as much as I like
and stay the same weight.  But, "the same weight", for me, is quite scrawny.
Quite frankly, I'd love to gain some weight.

response 12 of 200:

Sep 13 21:23 UTC 1997

I was thiunking about that very thing, John, as I read Misti's opening
statements and expressions of her feelings.  One has little choice over the
changes that occur in our appearance as we age (unless we frequent plastic
surgeons on a regular basis).  Our bodies and our faces change as we age and
we have to accept the changes even though, often they are less then what we
would optimnally desire.  The changes, however, take place over time.  Misti
is atlking about radical changes over a shorter period of time.  And also
about, I think, changes in her body which mean she may have to change her
thinking about her body.  Anf also worries about how people who love and care
for her, think about the way she looks. I empathize with your concerns, Misti,
but my hope is, that people who love you , and care for you, will continue
to feel exactly the same, regardless of the "physical plant".  The most
important thing is, can you accept and love change in you?  (Forgive typing
errors but I am letting my nails grow and they do hamper my typing skills.)

response 14 of 200:

Sep 14 17:12 UTC 1997

<grin>  Right now, I have a friend who's mad at me because I've been slowly
losing weight, and he's been slowly gaining weight.  He blames it on me.  =)

I agree with Valerie's advice on how to deal with the compliments.  They *do*
mean well when they congratulate you.  I mean, most people are trying to lose
weight at some time or another, so when someone appears to be losing weight,
they see it as an attained goal and compliment it.  The important thing is
to focus on the intent behind it.  My father told me a few months ago that
he was happy I lost weight because I got really fat there for a while.  My
first reaction was that he was being a jerk, then I realized that it was his
way of making me feel good.  (I still laugh at his version of a compliment).
<g>  Hang in there, Misti.  This has been quite an interesting discussion...

response 16 of 200:

Sep 16 00:13 UTC 1997

> Since they do mean well, I'm not sure it's right to make
> them feel bad, even though their compliments *are* unwelcome.

I don't mean to make people feel, bad, but i would like to make them 
think.  And since this skow melting may stop soon, it also may not.  I 
could spend years gritting my teeth.

I know what you mean about Christmas; I'm not Christian either and would 
just as soon the whole nonesense went away ... but it happens once a 
year, not all year long.  It doesn't spring out and goose you when you 
weren't expecting it.  Those "compliments" do.  

I'll humming along feeling pretty good and not thinking about it, and 
then someone brings it up.  And the "I see you've lost weight.  Looks 
good." comments aren't so bad.  I can honestly say "It was 
unintentional, but I'm glad you like it."  It's the folks who make a 
really big fuss and just won't drop it and won't believe that I'm not 
starving myself for effect that really bug me.

Also, when people wish you a Merry Christmas it's easy to let it fly 
over your head because in some sense it's general good wishes aimed in 
your direction, rather really being about you.  (Or so it feels to me.)
This feels very personally about *me*.

I really would like to find some way to get my point across without 
making anyone feel bad.

> Our bodies and our faces change as we age and we have to accept the 
> changes even though, often they are less then what we would optimnally 
> desire.  The changes, however, take place over time. 

That's very insightful, Audrey.  The changes had been happening for 
several months before the accumulation was easily visible to others and, 
although I noticed the change in my clothes and it how I looked in the 
mirror, it didn't start to bother me until other people started making a 
big deal out of it.  Partly, I suppose, it's because I'm very nearly 40 
and at some point in the next ten years I expect the cumulative signs of 
aging to make their mark.  I'm prepared for change.  But the drama of it 
happening visibly over a few months is giving me trouble.  And I'm much 
more prepared for wrinkles and grey hair than I am to lose a lot of 
weight.  Those seem natural.  This doesn't.

> I empathize with your concerns, Misti, but my hope is, that people who 
> love you , and care for you, will continue to feel exactly the same, 
> regardless of the "physical plant".

So far, so good.  Larry has mainly dated larger women, which is one 
reason I was worried.  But we talked about it after I vented here and he 
told me that as long as I remain the person I am, he doesn't care what I 
look like.  As a matter of fact, he thougt my cutting my waist length 
hair would make more difference to him than either losing or gaining 100 
pounds -- because it would say that something inside me was changing.  

(I've kept my hair long since my last enforced haircut at 12 except for 
a couple accidental sheerings, so he's probably right.)

Audrey said:
> The most important thing is, can you accept and love change in you?

And Kae said:
>You said that you had learned to like yourself the way you were. Though 
> a bit scary, it shouldn't be too large a leap to learn to like 
> yourself the way you *will be*, whatever that ends up.  

I probably (almost certainly) can -- it'll just be easier when I can see 
where I'm going to end up.  Not knowing whether to prepare to look like 
 smaller version of me now -- plump and round -- or whether I'll go back 
to the raw boned look of my early 20s is the challenge.

> They *do* mean well when they congratulate you.  I mean, most people 
> are trying to lose weight at some time or another, so when someone 
> appears to be losing weight, they see it as an attained goal and 
> compliment it.

But you see, Sarah, that's *exactly* why I can't let it go.  It offends 
my dignity and my sense of what's right to let people believe that I 
accept and participate in this culture's insanity where the body is 
concerned.  Young children are killing themselves in trying to live up 
to ideal that "thinner is better" and that self startvation is some sort 
of a moral victory.  It's not.  Self starvation is just that, 
self-inflicted starvation.  It doesn't deserve congratulations, it 
deserves phsycological treatment.  

(I'm not talking about learning about nutrition, and eating what you 
like, what's good for you, in the amounts you need to keep your body 
functioing at it's best.  I think that's great!  I'm talking about the 
"Shake for breakfast, shake for lunch, birdfood for dinner; so hungry I 
can't think or talk about anything else" stuff.  The "workout for hours 
every day and obsess of that last bit of untamed real estate on our 
thighs" crowd.  It's sick.  And that sort of vigilence over each others 
bodies is just adding to the insanity.  

Oh, I love compliments!  Tell me my hair is shiny, my eyes bright, or my 
skin transluscent.  Tell me you love my way with clothes or the timbre 
of my voice.  Even tell me you think I have great gams or a nice, robust 
shape.  Or, in 6 months time, tell me my waist looks so slender in that 
dress.  Those are compliments that don't judge me by the pound.  Those 
are compliments about me that don't leave my sisters wondering if 
they're thin enough to measure up.  They say what you do like about 
the way I look without making every bite somethig I have to weigh 
against the possibility of "losing my beauty".  We all have beauty -- I 
think it's far more honest to compliment each other on what's beautiful 
about us, what makes us smile about another person, than to make a 
"beauty yardstick" out of pounds and inches.

Oops.  /soapbox = off.

Sorry.  I do go on about this particular passion.

Anyway, thanks folks.  I don't know what I'd do without the support of 
my community here on GREX.  I love it here!

response 18 of 200:

Sep 16 17:28 UTC 1997

True, Clees, but I have visceral friends, too.  ;)  They give good hugs 
but don't always have good advice.

response 20 of 200:

Sep 16 23:51 UTC 1997

<giggle>  I like that!  Of course, I don't actually like the idea of 
*gaining weight* to meet some false ideal, either...

response 22 of 200:

Sep 17 22:57 UTC 1997

Sarah,  thanks for the very generous offer.  

Can I let you know if I ever get down as far as a size 20?  I was a size 
26 when this started and although I'm having to roll waistbands in order 
not to "drop my drawers", I doubt I'm that small yet.  (On the other 
hand, if I do, I wouldn't feel wierd asking at all -- clothing swaps are 
a major source for clothes for me.  I'll probably make the same offer to 
*my* larger friends when the time comes that rolling waistbands gets too 
obvious!)  <g>

If you're really in closet cleaning mode, and want them gone, I could 
take them and see if I am that small already...or "in case and until".

Again, thanks!  You're sweet!

response 24 of 200:

Sep 22 17:48 UTC 1997

I agree with your frustration, Sarah.  I have that problem with me women
friends, too.  I finally had to mention to me coven that it made me *very*
uncomfortable when they all complained about being "fat" and discussed diet
almost non-stop during the "feasting" part of the ritual.

Since the largest of them is a very shapely and sexy size 16, I pointed out
that I couldn't help wondering if their conversations were supposed to pointed
hints to me at a size 26/28 that I should be dieting, too.  I pointed out that
I had no problem with them eating (or not eating) whatever they wanted or with
discussions of *healthy* eating.  I'm interested in healthy eating, too.

Turns out they were shocked that their conversation was so monotonous and that
I might hear it the way that I did.  They still obsess about food and what
they're not eating -- but now they're aware of it and drop the topic after
a few minutes.  (And they've started at least tasting the brie or 
garlic cheese when I bring it.  <g>)