| Grex > Writing > #96: Forsaken 3 (what do you think?) |
| Forsaken 3 (what do you think?) | 
Sep 30 06:07 UTC 1994 |
He sits upon a Cold Stone that is as heartless as many of the truths he now knows...his heart with new knowledge ready for the future...but in way unknown to many He was a lifeless shell with pain he thinks "Was my choice right I had a chance to die and I gave up what was my only true way out"...now the only way is forward...he cries as the pain engulfs what is left of his soul...It grips down on his soul like the seering coldness of the very being of the universe..And in his mind and in his heart he sees and feels the cold hard pain of the world...And as he Drifts off to sleep in his heart he feels and sees for the first time that Even though the pain seers through his being and soul he must go forward...And even in the silance of that of a forsaken one he must carry on...for now it was the only way....The pain would just have to contend with the striveing force pushing him into the unknown future...forward...
| response 1 of 4: |
Sep 30 15:18 UTC 1994 |
not bad, jwp. worthy of revision to make it better: the punctuation is a bit confusing. One can do a lot with punctuation and page layout. I see that you are trying to do so. Please keep at it. Check your spelling: I could not find that use of sear in my dictionary, but I know that "seer" is a sort of prophet and "sere" is very dry and brittle. I'd like to have some idea of how this person came to be in his current state, or why he feels compelled to carry on- what he will have to do next or in the future or something. Even sketched in with a brief mention, to put us in sympathy with the character. Please keep working on this, it is worth while. Kami
| response 2 of 4: |
Oct 3 08:03 UTC 1994 |
Kami....This was part 3...It is my plan and the easiest to import so I thought I would...Searing coldness as far as I know when I wrote it would be bone numbing coldness....I know the spelling needs some work...I just thought I would get a general acount of what people thought...of the poem and my writing...
| response 3 of 4: |
Oct 15 16:20 UTC 1994 |
I like it!
| response 4 of 4: |
Oct 16 09:32 UTC 1994 |
thank you....