toking
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"Putting me Down"
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Aug 14 00:20 UTC 1997 |
Something dark slithers in on broken legs of shattered dreams, and
I....I am slipping away. Can't you tell? Can't you see? The clues are
there, in plain sight. I was so close, so very near, to remaining the
person that I have become. That is impossible now. I am changing back,
back into who I was.
Is it the coming winter that has done this to me? Is it something new?
Something undefined? So many questions, so many clawed and bleeding things
that bubble through my every thought. There, there alone is the problem.
Who I have become could have answered these questions, brushed them away.
It is when I need the person that I have become that I have begun
reverting into the person that I was.
As is apparent, I have begun writing again. That alone is the clearest
sign of what is brewing inside. I only write so that I may place the
questions in front of me, but it is of no avail. The answers are as
elusive as cold, bitter wisps of smoke.
Meloncholy blue and dark dark grey are my thoughts today. What have I
become that is so great a loss? Why does it claim such a steadfast grip
upon my heart? Just more questions to feed to the flame. Iknow that I am
losing, but exactly what I can not say.
Once I swam in pools of liquid light, they are coming to a boil. I
thought that my passions had all died away. I was wrong. They live now,
but only as empty husks. At my core there is contempt for this bitterness.
That contempt is only the lingering wisps of who I wish to be.
Tell me, my languid friend, do you miss me now that I am gone? Do you
close your eyes and picture me the same? Or has this worm eaten corpse
invaded even your dreams? Lie if you will, but I know that you have moved
on. It is sad to see you, trying to remember what once you heald so dear.
What is it, weak little child, trembling in your eyes that makes your
thoughts scream so loud? Do you truely despise me as much as you would
claim? It is false, you know, all this animosity. You cried my name in
your dreams, I only answered your call. How dare you reject me now?
You...you who would call on a God you know to be false. You know that I
have come to sustain you. To carry you through these bitter times.
You have become soft, and can not survive alone. That, that is why you
cling so adamantly to what I have allowed you to become. You are a child
still, and you fear the thought of death. I do not, and will not, bear
your weakness. Ihave answered your call child, and I will stay until I am
done. Do not fight what can not be changed.
You are as empty without me as I am without you, and I will not allow
myself to become drained. You do not need to fear. Your will shall be
there to comfort and infuriate me, as mine wa there for you. You must
realize though, child, that the time has come for you to sleep. I assure
you, child, I will call on you, and when I call, you will rise.
I am warm now, in his comforting grasp. I know that I must not succumb,
I also know that what I must do and what I will do are not always one and
the same. I grow tired, so lethargicaly slow. With every passing hour, his
voice becomes more comforting, though I know it is thick with deceit. I do
not know how much longer I can withstand his bitter-sweet song.
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