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| Author |
Message |
morgayn
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Just For a Moment
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Apr 15 18:56 UTC 1995 |
Sweet as an autumn whisper
You shine like crystal drowning
In a sea of moonlit waters.
Your scent,
Cleansing and refreshing.
Your touch,
Warm and enticing.
Your eyes,
Curious and radiant.
Let me sit with you,
Just for a moment.
Let me look at you,
Just for a moment.
Let me touch you,
Just for a moment.
Hold me in your arms,
In your words,
In your gaze for an eternity.
Morgayn April 14, 1995
Written for someone important to me...May your radiance glow through the
clouds...
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| 11 responses total. |
kami
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response 1 of 11:
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Apr 17 03:51 UTC 1995 |
Oh, yum! Just right. Again, I'm not sure who it's for, but that's ok, it
works. It needs another stanza or two, though- The last part has a wonderful
ending line, perhaps it should stay the end, or else have a "yes but" after
it that picks up the pace and makes it a bit less wistful, dunno. But the
first stanza seems to be asking for a cause or an action or to be put into
relation with something or someone else. I wish I could be clearer, but
that's all the impression I've got just now. You use words and images so
beautifully.
I like the last three lines best, and the first three almost as well- they
are the most vivid and personal.
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fraizer
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response 2 of 11:
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Apr 17 16:10 UTC 1995 |
I love it. I love the repetition of "Just for a moment"
This has a lot of feeling behind it...
almost (dare I say) passion? Maybe. Maybe not.
Again great feeling.
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morgayn
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response 3 of 11:
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Apr 17 18:03 UTC 1995 |
Hmmm...yes, dare you say passion, Fraizer. *wink*
Actually, I wanted the poem to end as such. I wanted it to sound wistful and
thoughtful, but I also wanted it to be clear what this person was thinking, as
I see it was.
I am interested, Kami, can you elaborate a bit on what you are trying to
explain to me? I am not sure I am getting the right 'jist'...
The repetition behind 'Just for a moment' is my attempt to stress that this
person is so great and so wonderful that although I would like to hold onto
them indefinately, I would be happy with just a moment...That is they would
only let me hold them for a moment...I'm sure you understand what I was trying
to convey there.
And yes, the poem is FULL of passion... *Morgayn blushes*
Thanks guys, Kami, your comments are thought-provoking and as any author at
times gets a bit frustrated as their work is ripped to shreds, I think you're
going to help me improve and appreciate the time you have taken to not only
read the poems and think about them but to type in your thoughts as well. It
means a lot to me. :)
But it also means a lot to get ANY response generated from a work of mine.
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kami
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response 4 of 11:
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Apr 18 18:50 UTC 1995 |
well, in the first three lines, you set up some fairly specific metaphores,
descriptive of a particular individual. other than that, "scent" and "touch"
and "eyes" are pretty universal/general. The stanza works, but I'd like
another, introducing me to more of the person or a more intimate, specific
sense of your interaction with her/him. Does this person say or do anything?
Do you see him/her often or have you just met? do you share any activity in
common? or any landscape? what would make the person "come alive" for the
reader, so we can share your feelings, not just reflect them? Can you take
the style and theme, and elaborate?
In the second stanza, the repetition makes sense, and you use rhythmic
balance well: the last 6 lines of the first stanza go well with the second,
while the first part sets things up. Again, I'd match the style of those
first three lines with another 3 (or so) before the last stanza. The ending
is indeed perfectly clear and needs no help or elaboration.
Melly, I hope I'm not too hard on you. I try to share whatever impressions,
suggestions, etc. that I have (I used to write a lot more than I do now,
including poetry) or have gotten from teachers, without overwhelming you or
shutting you down. You work is good enough to bear being that tiny bit better.
If I really hate something, I will generally not comment at all, or not until
I can find something productive to say. Or if all I can say is "oh wow", I
might not say anything.
See ya!
Kami
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odye
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response 5 of 11:
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Apr 19 04:26 UTC 1995 |
Kami, I for one enjoying seeing your comments. It is definitely
in the category of constructive ctricism/compliments. Please,
by all means, be productive..... : )
Although, in general, commenting on creative writing is very
confusing at times, for me at least. SHould it be objective, subjective,
who cares just be, or what. AT what point is a comment a
constructive criticsim or just an expression of preference?
Just idle thoughts on too little sleep. blah blah, blah blah...
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fraizer
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response 6 of 11:
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Apr 19 15:37 UTC 1995 |
If you think the poem could be better by doing something to it,
it's constructive. The minute you get personal, or nitpicky, or
try to make the person turn one of their poems (or whathaveyou)
into one of yours, that's anything but constructive.
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odye
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response 7 of 11:
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Apr 19 17:28 UTC 1995 |
So, frazier, would you say a comment like the one I made about
'wool' would be constructibve or personal. I thought it
was a personal preference myself, probably nitpicky....
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fraizer
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response 8 of 11:
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Apr 19 19:32 UTC 1995 |
No no no. I thought that was very constructive. You thought it didn't work
with the rest of the poem, so you offered your advise. You didn't try to
change the whole thing or take personal shots at her or anything like that.
I just hate when people who think they are the be all end all of what a
poem should be. I hate that. As far as I'm concerned, there are no rules
for creative writing. That's what makes it so CREATIVE. Everything is
relative. Something I think is great may be worthless to someone else.
Which one of us is right? Niether? Both? Who knows? Constructive critisism
is a helpful suggestion that you think could be beneficial to someone else.
Whether it is constructive or not is all in the mind of the critic.
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morgayn
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response 9 of 11:
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Apr 20 00:30 UTC 1995 |
Constructive? Well, nothing I have sen yet has seemed nit-picky to me, quite
yet...Things have come close, but not exactly yet.
As for the 'wool' thing, no. I found that constructive. Like I said, I
didn't really think that the word fit well and your comment convinced me to
change it.
Kami, the poem was left that impersonal for a reason. I wanted it left a
bit open so that others could interpret the poem for themselves. Sometimes
when you funnel a poem down to characterize a specific subject too much, you
lose the audience because you take away their ability to relate it to them-
selves...
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kami
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response 10 of 11:
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Apr 20 18:01 UTC 1995 |
or let them "meet" a person with whom they can feel empathy or identify.
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morgayn
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response 11 of 11:
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Apr 20 19:40 UTC 1995 |
I don't tend to do that with my work. I write to convey my feelings to others,
however I cannot expect them to 'get' my feelings, so I leave room for their
own interpretations...
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