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Grex > Writing > #130: Poem #1 written 4-5-95 by Morgayn | |
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morgayn
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Poem #1 written 4-5-95 by Morgayn
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Apr 10 16:15 UTC 1995 |
Warrior of these sacred lands,
Unsheath your sword.
Hold the blade,
Shimmering,
Above your head.
Hair billowing behind
Like earth swept into a sea of air,
You smiled.
Your eyes,
As soft and deep
As the stones you wear,
Sparkling gold in the light
Your life creates.
And if I could just
Stand in your presence for a moment,
I can feel the warmth,
I can see you glow.
I can smile.
I look at your face
And I see so much...
I see the flames of passion
Outlined by your lips.
I can see the warmth and love the Earth can give
In your eyes.
I hear the roar of the ocean
In your laughter.
I see the child-like wisdom of air
As expressions flit across your features.
Melding together,
The elements create you.
The softness your eyes hold
Is more comforting than any wool I've ever felt.
The sincerity which lives in your soul
Captures me
And holds me in its arms
And I look to you...
Warrior of these sacred lands,
Take my hand.
Through fields we'll run,
You can teach me the secret behind your eyes
If you want to.
I'd like to teach you the secrets
Buried deep within
If you want me to.
Morgayn April 5, 1995
This poem is written for someone who is very special and dear to me...
May they always remember the beanie-coptors and the raspberries and the
indignant looks and the wonderful way the world smiles when they do...
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| 14 responses total. |
abchan
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response 1 of 14:
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Apr 11 01:43 UTC 1995 |
Wow... I really like it ;) you're a great poet, morgayn... this certainly
portrays emotions and feelings I can relate to ;) and I'm sure many others
can too...
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morgayn
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response 2 of 14:
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Apr 11 15:01 UTC 1995 |
*blush*
Thank you. It is always nice to receive compliments....;)
I am glad to hear that you were able to parallel some of your own thoughts
to the poem and withdraw some meaning for yourself. That's what poetry is all
about, interpretation....Taking someone's thoughts and along with attempting
to understand and grasp their meaning, to develop and understand your own.
Out of curiousity and discussion sake, what feelings, emotions came to mind
for you? If you'd like to use specific line references, please do so...
Anyone else who happens to come along, please feel free to do as much...
*blush*
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odye
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response 3 of 14:
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Apr 11 17:06 UTC 1995 |
Well, I'll give it a hack, for whatever it is worth....
I like the imagery of the Warrior, but maybe only becuase of
my strong D&D/Fantasy background, which I can get geeked about
easily. : )
I like the whole second stnza,(uh, paragraph? whatever) it
was very much larger-than-life imagery, which is the way it
should be for people that are special to you.
I sorta stubled over the wool association?? I guess I havent felt
the right wool.... I had the imagery of a steel wool brillo
brush pad or som,ething.... so as you can i,magine, it sorta broke
the whole flow for me. : )
But again, juts like the previous post, I like it lots... There
is a very lucky special someone out there....
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morgayn
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response 4 of 14:
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Apr 12 13:23 UTC 1995 |
Hmmm...you know, as I was writing it, the wool didn;t seem to fit, but it
did because wool is generally known as a warm, fuzzy fabric. That's what I
was trying to convey....a warm, fuzzy feeling. :)
Thank you for your input, Odie...I'm beginning to blush again.
*blush*
I'm glad you guys liked the poetry. Actually, Odie, you know the subject of
this poem. :) I believe you have met them. :)
Hmmm.,...perhaps I need to find a better word than 'wool' to fit there, any
suggestions?
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fraizer
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response 5 of 14:
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Apr 12 18:24 UTC 1995 |
Extremely impressed am I.
(Yoda I am talking like. Hmmm... Most strange this is)
But seriosly... (this lag really sucks)
Great poem.
You are right. 'Wool' does fit. But it doesn't seem to work with the rest
of the piece as well as it could.
Just for example maybe something like-
"The softness of your eyes
More comforting than the thickest of goosedown beds
Ladden with quilts and feather pillows"
But the poem should stand how you want it to stand.
It is, and always are, extensions of yourself.
Agian,
Great poem.
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morgayn
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response 6 of 14:
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Apr 12 19:16 UTC 1995 |
The problem with this type of imagery, Space dog, is that this person is not
someone I want to 'bed' and I don't want to convey that imagery...
Wool seemed like a harmless enough fabric and way to describe the softness
in this person's eyes....
But you're moving along the right lines....Me thinks me should go back and
try to fix it...
Again, thanks for the compliments...
*Morgayn blushes crimson*
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fraizer
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response 7 of 14:
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Apr 12 21:05 UTC 1995 |
Understood.
I suggest, therfore I amn't.
Good poem tho.
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morgayn
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response 8 of 14:
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Apr 13 14:35 UTC 1995 |
Okay, I am having trouble coming up with another word...perhaps velvet instead
of wool? What does everyone think? Velvet might work....Hmmm...
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brighn
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response 9 of 14:
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Apr 14 16:07 UTC 1995 |
Velvet is better, I'm allergic to wool.
Rereading these, I don't know why I like this poem so much...
I usually avoid the warrior image. It's just conveyed so well,
so emotionally here, that it softens the hardness of it.
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morgayn
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response 10 of 14:
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Apr 14 16:17 UTC 1995 |
Let us then consider the word 'wool' replaced by 'velvet' then. :)
The warrior image is there, well, because it fits...The subject of this poem
certainly isn't all hardness, nor are they all soft. There are a lot of
conflicting qualities in this particular subject, and I tried to portray why
they all fit so well together... Thoughts?
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abchan
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response 11 of 14:
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Apr 14 20:12 UTC 1995 |
Irony is a good thing... we all have conflicting traits... I had a friend
say to me once, you know I still can't figure out what jokes you will
laugh at and which ones just get a smile. I don't get you. It's not
uncommon to have someone be strong on the outside, when they need to be
but gentle and soft on the inside, where it counts. You portray this
image very well ;)
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morgayn
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response 12 of 14:
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Apr 15 17:49 UTC 1995 |
*blush*
Thank you, abchan. Perhaps I should be thanking the subject of this poem, for
they are what allowed me to come up with words to describe such a wonderful
chiaroscuro....
I agree with you, abchan, this person seems somewhat hard and stern on the
outside at times, but they are in reality a very warm, sincere, gentle person.
I am actually proud of myself because I feel this particular poem turned out
rather well. Of course I feel there are things about it which could be better,
but I am a perfectionist, what can I say...
Can anyone point out specific line references where the images are portrayed
and brought out? *I am interested in seeing which lines struck people...*
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kami
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response 13 of 14:
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Apr 17 03:31 UTC 1995 |
Hm, velvet has a certain merit...My first thought was down- as in a comforter,
but I wasn't thinking of beds or sex, just fluff. I'm not allergic to wool,
so it was only a small oddness too me.
I LOVE the initial image. I can see her like that really easily. Actually,
the first 15 lines were absolutely perfect. The next three were ok, but
again, I wasn't sure if "could" would be better than "can", or if you wanted
to imply that what you wished for had happened in the moment of wishing.
The next part will be revised, I think, when you have worked with the concept
longer. It's good. I've done a lot of that sort of "religious poetry".
Like I said, once you get in the habit of looking for the four elements,
you see them everywhere. Good. But you'll get more accurate/specific with
time, and probably come back to this bit. It's ok, just not as good as
the rest. Then the "bridge", the bit about comfort, is delightful- lyrical,
like a single quiet violin. And the "wool" I think of is angora (of course).
And the last part, again, balances the first, and is wonderful. I like the
sense of growth you express through the course of the poem, the giving back
to someone who has given to you. And the growing to equality with someone
you look up to. Good!
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morgayn
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response 14 of 14:
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Apr 20 00:09 UTC 1995 |
It isn't so much that I look up to the subject...It's more that I admire them
because they possess things that I do not.
The element section I think describes the subject well. Perhaps in time I
will learn to see the elements differently, but for now, that is how I see
them. As I learn more, I agree with you, I will get better at picking them
out and identifying them.
As for the wool, yes, angora was what I was thinking. But velvet works
for this particular subject. :)
The poem will probably not be revised. I see my poetry as moments of
thought captured in time. When I revise, I taint that. I make them several
moments in time and destroy the journalistic facet of my writing....
I was aiming for a sense of balance...Glad I could achieve it.
Kami, your comments mean a lot to me, keep them coming. :)
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