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| Author |
Message |
md
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Guess who
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Apr 5 14:35 UTC 1995 |
THE ACCUSED
Blue sky outside, the best sky of his life,
He thought if he ran downstairs fast enough,
Down seven flights, two, three stairs at a time,
He might outrun the voice that called his name,
And she, at the open door up there, might think
The black reverberating thud and clank
Of his descent was all that drowned her out.
That, since you asked, is what he thinks about.
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| 12 responses total. |
morgayn
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response 1 of 12:
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Apr 5 19:34 UTC 1995 |
I like this poem. The images fit together well, let me tell you what I am
getting from it, I'd like to hear how it relates to what you had in mind when
you wrote it.... Are you comparing a man who is running from or having a fight
with a woman to a convict? The imagery is good. I like the colors you use. The
black and blue seem to fit well, almost furthering the beating this man seems
to be thinking about. I can understand this poem because at times, I have felt
similar. Running away and letting the darkness which grows behind you drown out
what you're running from....
This poem is rich and deep. Some poems seem to be fluffy and half-baked, I
include some of my own into this category. But this poem delves a bit deeper.
I'd like to see more of your work if you'd care to show it to me.
The only nit-pick I have is how the last line rhymes and none of the rest
of them do, but that is a personal pet-peave. ;) Did you do it to stress a
meaning, or did it just happen that way?
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md
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response 2 of 12:
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Apr 6 13:49 UTC 1995 |
Thank you, morgayn, that was very nice.
The other lines do rhyme, actually, it's just that the last two
lines rhyme more because I was trying to emphasize the last line.
I deleted most of the poem I wrote during revision, so what you
see is all I chose to leave. Maybe I left out too much, though.
You're supposed to imagine a kid who lives in a big apartment
building running down the stairs as his mother stands up at the
apartment door calling after him. He's trying to outrun her
voice (ie, his own conscience), and is hoping she'll think
he just doesn't hear her because he's making so much noise
running down the stairs. That's what he'll probably tell her
later on, anyway. It's a nice day and he wants to be outside.
This scene in his life is what he thinks about many years later
as he sits in court during his murder trial. His name is
O. J. Simpson, if you like.
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katie
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response 3 of 12:
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Apr 6 16:35 UTC 1995 |
I like poems where only the last two lines rhyme.
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insanity
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response 4 of 12:
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Apr 7 14:13 UTC 1995 |
Wow! I really got the little kid running down the stairs bit, but I don't
know how you connect it to the Simpsin trial. It was really good though.
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odye
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response 5 of 12:
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Apr 7 17:18 UTC 1995 |
Well, it imparted to me pretty much exactly what your summary explained,
md, so I guess it was a success. Firsat time I read it, I did
stumble on the 'The black reverberating thud and clank' line,
espcially the 'black' part, but adfter rereading it, I like it
in there. Gives me an impression of thos black metal stariwells that
dont get much light and are always sorta cold and drafty....
That is a great sensation to break out of one of those and into
the warm sunlight of a great day....
Thanks for sharing, I like d it.
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md
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response 6 of 12:
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Apr 7 18:26 UTC 1995 |
Re #4: I don't know how I connect it to the Simpson trial, either.
That's why it's a poem instead of an essay. ;-)
Re #5: That metal stairwell is just what I had in mind.
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morgayn
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response 7 of 12:
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Apr 10 15:57 UTC 1995 |
Sometimes we make connections in strange places...
md, I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say about my work, item 127.
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md
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response 8 of 12:
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Apr 10 20:22 UTC 1995 |
I hate to comment on anyone else's poetry. In case you haven't
noticed, my own poetry is of the anal-retentive formalist school,
with meters and rhyme schemes you could set your clock by. Plus,
my internal critic is a monster. He convinces me that most of
what I write deserves to go into the bit bucket. I have to do
what he says, of course, but that doesn't mean I have to inflict
him on you.
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remmers
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response 9 of 12:
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Apr 13 10:27 UTC 1995 |
Are you sure that your internal critic is male?
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md
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response 10 of 12:
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Apr 13 16:12 UTC 1995 |
Yeah. I don't know any women who would be as dismissive
and tactless as this guy is. He's my evil twin, actually.
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kami
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response 11 of 12:
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Apr 17 03:09 UTC 1995 |
gee, md, ask me to proofread or critique for you some day when I'm in a
pissy mood. I pride myself on my dissecting skill...<eg>
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md
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response 12 of 12:
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Apr 17 12:29 UTC 1995 |
I didn't say there was no such woman, just that I'm lucky
enough not to know any. Thanks for the offer, anyway. ;-)
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