Pagan Humour

Oct 20 19:05 UTC 1998

You Might Be Giving Pagans a Bad Name IF....

You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because otherwise you'd
sue for religious harassment.

You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.

You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.

You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of
city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.

You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who
picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.

You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod,
and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

You've ever publicly claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin,
Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson, and
been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.

You've suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing
D&D.

You've failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing
D&D.

You've suddenly realized that you are playing D&D.

Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for _Vampire: The Masquerade_ with notes in
the margins.

You've ever affected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted that it was real.

You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you save
places for them in crowded restaurants)  (Score triple if you admit to having
sex with them)

You've ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula.  (Score double
if you got into a fight and escaped) (Score triple if it was no contest)

You own a ceremonial bong.

You've ever tried something you saw on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch

You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice
as likely to be true than most of the crap you spout.

You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of
your religion.

You've won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon, knowing damn good
and well they haven't read it either.

You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.

Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect
love and perfect lust." (Score double if you argued the point.)

You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you're not. (Score double if you
had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)

You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a
lethal degree if you don't get this one.)

Someone once lost their boat delivering your ritual incense from Mexico.

You've ever used tongue delivering the fivefold kiss. (score double if you did
it more than once.)

You've ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick up line. (You may deduct
this point if it worked.)

You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is
different, and no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things
your way.

You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then bitch about working
Christmas.

The thing that drew you to the Craft was the potential to dance with naked
members of the opposite sex.

You strip in a club like the one in Porky's under your craft name, and consider
it highly appropriate.

You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven
position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see
how evil they were.

You've ever achieved position or influence in a coven by sleeping with half of
it.

You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by the wise
and powerful such-and-such. Of whom nobody has heard.

You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan
Rites.

You're not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition to it because
your ancestors (the ones before your german parents) were Native American or
Irish.

You don't know the difference between Irish and Scottish, and you alternately
claim to be both.

You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political
beliefs you might share, but because, damnit, they're IRISH.

You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the
number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for
beginners.

You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of these traits.