The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL

Jul 28 06:54 UTC 1994

In article 38ba@clarinet.com, cwc@pseserv2.magec.com (Chris Carter) writes:
> 
> (Original.  Inspired by Rush Limbaugh's 'Environmentalist Wacko Football
> Picks'.)
> 
> The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL
> ----------------------------------
> Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
> banned.  But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not 
> out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution-
> mongering crime against the Earth.  But when you're watching 22 steroid-
> chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless
> in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
> 
> We have the answer:  Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is
> Right.
> 
> Our General Principles:
> 1. Any animal is better than any human.
> 2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
> 3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
>    minorities are better than any other human.
> 4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans
>    guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of
>    crimes against the Earth.
> 5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.
> 
> Some Special Cases:
> 1. Dolphins are the ultimate.
> 2. People who believe in their country are the absolute worst - lower
>    than whale doodoo.
> 
> And so, the Rankings:
> 
>  1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
>  2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
>     Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
>     Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
>     Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
>  6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
>  7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
>  8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
>  9. Detroit Lions
>     Indianapolis Colts
> 11. Washington Native Americans
> 12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
> 13. Cleveland Players Of Color
> 14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
> 15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
> 16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
> 17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
>     Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
> 19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
> 20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
> 21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
> 22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
> 23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
> 24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
> 25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
> 26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
> 27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
> 28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs
> 
> Normal Disclaimer: My opinions, not Magnavox's.
> Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: This is satire, not real life.
>   Learn the difference.
> 
> --
> -Chris
> 
> Chris Carter                      
> Software Engineer, AFATDS              
> Magnavox Electronic Systems Company     
>
> cwc@pseserv2.magec.com   
>

response 2 of 14:

Jul 29 08:10 UTC 1994

(not much, especially if you're ROTFL!!)

response 4 of 14:

Aug 7 00:14 UTC 1994

Anyway, as I was saying, if football is so barbaric, what sport would you
prefer, curling?

response 6 of 14:

Aug 18 05:56 UTC 1994

(only in the US can such a passive sport be turned to violence...)

response 8 of 14:

Aug 18 16:56 UTC 1994

I'll get the t.v. ads going this instant.

response 10 of 14:

Aug 22 03:33 UTC 1994

(how constructive, yet un-P.C.)

response 12 of 14:

Aug 23 07:22 UTC 1994

Welcome to grex, Steven.

Thanks, leeron..
If we extend this into the realm of the college game, there are certainly
som interesting cases. What about Alabama. Their team is named after
a dinoflagellate-induced fish disease.

I've noticed that they use an elephant for a mascot, though.
Is there an explanation for this?
(I've gone and probably offended everyone from Alabama now, oops.)

response 14 of 14:

Feb 7 16:31 UTC 1995

I understand that the spotted owl sandwiches served at the Suoer Bowl were
delicious though slightly overpriced.