Science Humor Item

Apr 9 09:51 UTC 1998

Let's start a humor item for science.  :)

        The Invisible Killer:  Dihydrogen Monoxide! 
 
        Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by
accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not
end there.  Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage.
Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and
possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.
For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death. 
 
        Dihydrogen monoxide is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major
component of acid rain. 
 
        Contributes to the "greenhouse effect." 
 
        May cause severe burns. 
 
        Contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. 
 
        Accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. 
 
        May cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile
brakes.
 
        Has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients. 
 
 
        Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions! 
 
        Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today.  But the pollution is global,
and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice.  DHMO has caused
millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently
California. 
 
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: 
 
        As an industrial solvent and coolant. 
 
        In nuclear power plants. 
 
        In the production of styrofoam. 
 
        As a fire retardant. 
 
        In many forms of cruel animal research. 
 
        In the distribution of pesticides.  Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical. 
 
        As an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products. 
 
        Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can
be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! 
 
        The Horror Must Be Stopped! 
 
        The American government has refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the
economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military
organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing
multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare
situations.  Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it
through a highly sophisticated underground distribution
network.  Many store large quantities for later use. 
 
        It's Not Too Late! 
 
        Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout
the world.

response 2 of 7:

Apr 10 06:11 UTC 1998

It's 4 washing and drinking and lots of other purposes, too.

response 4 of 7:

Apr 10 06:37 UTC 1998

I got lots of old ones, but if you didn't hear it before...

In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive level, here
is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof: 
 
        1) Knowledge is Power. 
 
        2) Time is Money. 
 
        3) And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time. 
 
        4) If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work /
Money. 
 
        5) Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. 
 
        6) Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero,
regardless of the Work done. 
 
        7) What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.  Bad News:
If you understand this, then you likely have a large knowledge base and
therefore are subject to making less money. What a shame. 

response 6 of 7:

Apr 14 04:38 UTC 1998

Re #0:  I posted this one in the General conference on M-Net quite a
few years ago.
 
As I recall, Craig Plesco said "Huh?"  That was almost as funny as
the original piece.