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Grex > Poetry > #68: Working at the Hardware Store | |
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| Author |
Message |
cloud
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Working at the Hardware Store
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Mar 31 01:27 UTC 1999 |
I stand on a platform
So I'm very tall
I smile at customers
who often smell of water damage
I take their money
which is as dirty as they are
I smile and say thank you
it's in my contract
and they frown
thinking of their job
and take the plunger and go.
As they go
I wish them a nice day.
--Cricket, 3/29/99, 11:10 PM
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| 7 responses total. |
arianna
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response 1 of 7:
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Mar 31 03:06 UTC 1999 |
one comment: I'd change the line "take their plunger and go" to "take their
plunger and leave" -- the repatition of "go" is redundant to my ears.
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cloud
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response 2 of 7:
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Apr 1 02:53 UTC 1999 |
How about I change the second to last line to "As they exit"? I like the way
"go" sounds in the line before. I must have been sleeping when I put it down
twice
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arianna
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response 3 of 7:
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Apr 1 22:01 UTC 1999 |
"as they exit" is a little too formal, methinks...
another thing: there's a lot of "ands" in the staza before the last one.
<is nit picking>
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lumen
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response 4 of 7:
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Apr 7 06:15 UTC 1999 |
No.. I like 'go' being repeated-- gives the poem a sense of steady
rhythm. Poets do not have to be scholarly writers-- when repetition
works, it works.
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cloud
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response 5 of 7:
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Apr 11 23:33 UTC 1999 |
Or it doesn't. I'll sit on the disition for a bit.
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cloud
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response 6 of 7:
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Apr 13 01:26 UTC 1999 |
OK, on the advise of my writing teacher, I'm just going to cut that line "as
they go". It's not really nessessary, as we've already said that they're
going. Oh, and the line after will remain on it's own, so I have a one line
ending.
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bookworm
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response 7 of 7:
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Apr 13 04:57 UTC 1999 |
I like it. I think you should leave it as is.
It sound much like somebody describing his job to somebody else.
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