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Grex > Poetry > #319: still crazy come morning <rcl> | |
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| Author |
Message |
rlawson
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still crazy come morning <rcl>
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Aug 17 16:48 UTC 2002 |
Tonight
let the crickets do all the work
They can make
sufficient noise for us both
Give into these chirping things
enough to cease your voices
echoing in-between my ears,
like
I am sailing on a dark,
terrible sea and you are
the absence of the foghorn
leaving me bumping into and
out of things all over this harbor
For I fear I may run aground,
rest now, for there are people
back on land that care for me.
Rest! as I, too, am weary
So let the crickets do the work
I wille sleep now a while
and in the morning,
I beg you,
leave the chirping to the birds!
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| 4 responses total. |
jaklumen
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response 1 of 4:
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Aug 19 05:42 UTC 2002 |
Different. Quirky, a bit weird.. but I like. As far as I can tell--
it flows nicely and the thought is complete.
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rlawson
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response 2 of 4:
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Aug 26 03:27 UTC 2002 |
Rewrite (thanks, Erinn)
-----------------------
Tonight
let the crickets do all the work
They can make
sufficient noise for us both
Give into these chirping things
enough to cease two voices
echoing in between my ears
Like sailing seas dark and
terrible, you are
the absence of the foghorn
leaving me bumping into and
out of things all over this harbor--
before you run me aground,
Rest! as I, too, am weary
Let the crickets do the work
I will sleep now a while
and in the morning,
I beg you,
leave the chirping to the birds
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rlawson
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response 3 of 4:
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Aug 26 03:28 UTC 2002 |
Not much of a change, just enough to clean it up a bit methinks.
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jaklumen
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response 4 of 4:
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Aug 27 10:57 UTC 2002 |
I liked the earlier version.. kinda had an old style to it,
Romantic/Enlightenment era like with the exclamation marks.
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