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| Author |
Message |
rlawson
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two weeks <rcl>
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Jul 20 19:46 UTC 2002 |
The air doesn't catch me.
I sit away from the breeze
listening to the fan only
with its left, right
and left again.
It has come to my attention
that cats aren't much for memory--
the years that have past
are but water in her bowl
that she has already drank,
food in her dish already gone,
naps she has already taken.
Still she puts her face at my feet
rubbing gently upon them.
I feel a breeze of hope;
this Tuesday I will have
been here with her for two weeks
and without memory of years
past, she loves me again!
I smile to think that love
takes less than 14 days,
crying all the while
Not for want of love,
but for love of want.
I would want to count
our two weeks but I'd
love to wait for them.
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| 4 responses total. |
rlawson
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response 1 of 4:
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Jul 26 07:57 UTC 2002 |
So is it my writing you all dislike or just me in general? Do let me know
as I should like to know whether to continue posting or not. Thanks.
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jaklumen
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response 2 of 4:
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Jul 26 09:37 UTC 2002 |
No, Robert, poetry's just been dead. I don't dislike you at all. The
poem is fine, but I'm not sure what to say constructively about it.
When I'm forced to run the rat race, so to speak, my creativity really
suffers-- and that includes critique as well as artistic output.
Sometimes I can make something of that-- I write in a pretty cathartic
style. However, I'm not wordsmithy enough to offer suggestion much;
I'm much like the myriad of newspaper critics who spin written candy
that promoters plaster all over a new film.
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jaklumen
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response 3 of 4:
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Jul 26 09:45 UTC 2002 |
I'm relooking at this-- interesting way to perceive a cat. I missed it
at first because I'm not much of a "cat person." To be particular, I
favor puppy-like cats and rather quiet lap dogs, and I take great
offense at cats that are really aloof.
I'm thinking that the opening line is a bit disjointed with the rest of
the poem. It seems to jar at me. I think I see what you're trying for
in the first paragraph-- describing the atmosphere before your thoughts
interrupt it. Perhaps it is because the first line is in the passive
voice, and the second is in the active. If they were the same, either
active or passive, that might fix it. Let me know how it works.
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arianna
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response 4 of 4:
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Aug 27 22:17 UTC 2002 |
scratch the 'only' in the first stanza.
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