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| Author |
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morwen
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Unsure about the title.
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Apr 23 18:36 UTC 2002 |
THE SHOES
It starts, easily enough,
In daylight
When I begin my enchanted dance
Into the black spiral path.
One, two, and three steps,
Swirling and twirling,
Picking up speed,
Like a ship in a black hole
Or a whirlpool.
Frantic,
I struggle to free myself
To stop this dark dancing,
To find the light of laughter,
To be free.
A cold voice whispers of impossibility
Amid the funereal music
That moves my feet
In the dance of darkness
That plunges me into the well.
~22 April 2002
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| 8 responses total. |
morwen
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response 1 of 8:
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Apr 23 18:40 UTC 2002 |
When I wrote this, I was attempting to put down my feelings relating
to the subject of depression (in a kind of theraputic sense). Then,
when I tried to come up with a title, the poem reminded me of the
fairytale about the enchanted shoes that, when you wore them, would
dance you to death.
In poetry class, they said that the title can lend a new perspective
to a poem. So, I'm not sure if "the Shoes" is appropriate, but "Black
Spiral Dancing" is too obvious.
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jaklumen
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response 2 of 8:
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Apr 23 22:33 UTC 2002 |
I like the latter title.
btw, Julie, I find it much more fun to wait for the audience's
perspectives before I tell them the intended meaning. But your
mileage may vary.
Practice is doing you well.
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morwen
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response 3 of 8:
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Apr 24 17:20 UTC 2002 |
Any others?
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flem
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response 4 of 8:
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Apr 24 20:06 UTC 2002 |
Definitely "the Shoes".
I found "funereal" to be off-putting; it's a little awkward in that phrase
for some reason. Good work otherwise, though.
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morwen
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response 5 of 8:
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Apr 25 01:18 UTC 2002 |
Got a suggestion that I could use instead of "funereal", flem?
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jaklumen
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response 6 of 8:
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Apr 25 07:24 UTC 2002 |
resp:4 I take it you're not familiar with the "Black Spiral Dancer"
reference
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flem
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response 7 of 8:
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Apr 25 18:54 UTC 2002 |
No, I'm familiar with it, but it's just not a good title. "The Shoes" is much
better.
As for something besides funereal... hang on, let me reread #0
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flem
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response 8 of 8:
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Apr 25 19:07 UTC 2002 |
Hmm, what I'm coming up with goes along the lines of
...
A cold voice whispers of impossibility
Funereal music moves my feet
In the dance of darkness
...
Other possible words for "moves": swirls, whisks, animates, writhes, ...
Other possibilities for "funereal": silent, whispering, somber, scaffhold, ...
I dunno. :)
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