response 1 of 12:

Feb 6 19:08 UTC 2001

The last line: it's so interesting.  it's like you chose to fletch your
words with poison or that you respect language as something that can be
put under the "skin" (into the person spoken to) puposefully in order to
cause change.  And, because I know you (it's an added advantage, to be
sure), I know that you mean it both ways. 

the first line of the last stanza is kinda weird to me; the inclusion of
"I" in a poem is a powerful thing, and I'm not sure if the way you've used
is to its full effect.  I need to chew on it s'more, though, before I
suggest you change it.

response 3 of 12:

Feb 6 19:12 UTC 2001

Ah! That's it!  Use "i" by itself, don't hinder it with the "try to," it
weakens the statement.

"I treat words as drops of Mercury..."

Now look at the first stanza: you're used "You," and it stands alone, grabbing
the attention of the reader.  "I" unhindered redirects the reader's attention.

response 5 of 12:

Feb 7 01:57 UTC 2001

Nice.

response 7 of 12:

Feb 7 18:27 UTC 2001

Well....

I have to say, the first few lines don't do much for me.  The image that's
got real bite here seems to be the one in the last three lines, and that image
really is striking; the "building blocks" metaphor just doesn't startle me
the same way.

I'd say if you want to do some tweaking, you should focus on that first
stanza.  Either try to trim it -- you could give a sense of the debate that
the poem's a response to in maybe half a line, really -- or try to punch up
the images a little. 

response 9 of 12:

Feb 8 08:25 UTC 2001

Okay, here's how I altered the original, on the basis of Erinn's comments:

You act as if words were children's building blocks
Stacking them up as you will, will-they, nil-they,
        rather than as what they are:
Powerful agents of an alchemy worked upon the mind,
Producing reactions called Imagery and Evocation.

I treat words as drops of Mercury,
Whose name indicates the Swiftest 
And implies Change,
And which can poison under the skin.


And here's what I came up with, taking Ori's comments into account, and
just keeping the bits I liked:

Words are
Powerful agents of an alchemy worked upon the mind,
Producing reactions called Imagery and Evocation.

But you treat them as if they were
Base Lead, to be molded into the rough shapes of stories
And then you pray for some PhilosopherUs Stone
That will turn them to Gold.

But that is not the Great Work.

I treat words as drops of Mercury,
Whose name indicates the Swiftest 
And implies Change,
And which can poison under the skin.


Comments?  On either version?

response 11 of 12:

Feb 9 23:50 UTC 2001

I don't know yet.  I think they each express a variation on the same theme,
but I don't know how I feel about them.  I'll probably try another variation
or two before I decide something.