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| Author |
Message |
orinoco
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Rebekah
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Feb 5 19:36 UTC 2001 |
'And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw
Isaac, she alighted from the camel,
'and said to the servant, "Who is the man yonder,
walking in the field to meet us?" The servant said,
"It is my master." So she took her veil and covered
herself.' --Genesis
Like a sleeper holding on to the lit match
of a dream for one second longer,
or the diver
hanging head down in the tide, lungs stretched
with life, holding off the return to the dry
air...
and into the bright desert she goes.
After the labyrinth of dunes,
and travel by moonlight, she waits
to open her eyes, pulling the covers
over her face,
thinking that if she refuses
to think, then maybe she isn't awake
quite yet. Knowing that if she thinks it's a dream
she's not dreaming anymore.
....holding her lips
as far from his as an eyelid stands from its eye
and still not underwater long enough.
---
I wrote this one, lost it when I moved, and then found it again just recently.
I don't _think_ I posted it the first time around....
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| 19 responses total. |
aquarum
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response 1 of 19:
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Feb 5 22:52 UTC 2001 |
I like it. The imagery is very fluid, and very evocative.
Besides, I like the name.
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orinoco
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response 2 of 19:
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Feb 5 23:56 UTC 2001 |
Interesting. There isn't a spelling feud between the Rebekahs and the
Rebeccas the way there is between the Cathies and the Kathys?
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lumen
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response 3 of 19:
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Feb 6 02:25 UTC 2001 |
A friend of mine sometimes spells it both ways. The former, I guess,
appeals more to those of Jewish ethnicity. *shrug* Her father is
Jewish, although Mormon by conversion..
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aquarum
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response 4 of 19:
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Feb 6 03:43 UTC 2001 |
Nah. We compare, but don't compete, at least in my experience.
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arianna
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response 5 of 19:
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Feb 6 05:56 UTC 2001 |
one nit to pick:
"and into the bright desert she goes."
try removing the "and," I think it would add more emphasis. You've separated
that particular line from the res tof the first stanza, and it feels like the
"and" weakens. if you want it to stand alone, let it.
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orinoco
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response 6 of 19:
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Feb 6 19:02 UTC 2001 |
But dammit, I'm _attatched_ to that "and." I'm trying to think why....
I think it's that it makes a nice pause before the line. It's the verbal
equivalent of squunching your eyes shut, taking a deep breath, and saying
"right, I'm _going_ to get out of bed now."
That might just be me, though.
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arianna
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response 7 of 19:
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Feb 6 19:30 UTC 2001 |
The elipses take care of that, IMO. I've read it aloud; if the reader gives
that emphasis to the line, then it works right, and the "and" is in the way.
this's one of those instances where the only way I can make myself understood
to is read it to you the way I read it.
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aquarum
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response 8 of 19:
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Feb 6 22:27 UTC 2001 |
Perhaps you could use another conjunction? "but" perhaps?
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arianna
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response 9 of 19:
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Feb 6 23:26 UTC 2001 |
perhaps, perhaps perhaps perhaps? perhaps! d=
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orinoco
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response 10 of 19:
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Feb 7 01:57 UTC 2001 |
Hm. I like the meaning of the word 'but' there -- what my Greek professor
would call the "disjunctive force" of the word. It doesn't sound as cool,
but I always get anal about the sound of words that nobody gives a damn about.
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aquarum
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response 11 of 19:
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Feb 7 02:07 UTC 2001 |
I think the labial there is a good sound to help separate things as well.
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brighn
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response 12 of 19:
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Feb 7 03:47 UTC 2001 |
#7;Except... ellipses... are... more... abused... these... days..............
........ than line initial "ands."
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arianna
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response 13 of 19:
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Feb 7 04:37 UTC 2001 |
People who abuse elipses should be abused in return. <feral, toothy grin at
brighn>
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brighn
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response 14 of 19:
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Feb 7 16:24 UTC 2001 |
Tease.
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flem
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response 15 of 19:
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Feb 7 21:05 UTC 2001 |
The 'and' does serve to start the line off with an iamb, which lets you read
the whole line as iambic if you're so inclined. Leaving off the 'and' makes
that harder. fwiw.
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arianna
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response 16 of 19:
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Feb 8 03:31 UTC 2001 |
ok, yeah, I can see how it would work that way. <nods>
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orinoco
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response 17 of 19:
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Feb 9 18:22 UTC 2001 |
Wouldn't an iambic reading make it "bright dessert?" As in, "Waitress! How
long has this cheesecake been out of the fridge? It's starting to glow in
the dark!"
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brighn
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response 18 of 19:
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Feb 9 18:42 UTC 2001 |
No, it would make it the verb "desert" (to abandon).
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flem
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response 19 of 19:
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Feb 17 00:26 UTC 2001 |
Not a *strict* iambic reading, silly. :)
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