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Grex > Poetry > #229: Another day or something, first thing Ive written in quite a while and it sucks | |
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Message |
bumble
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Another day or something, first thing Ive written in quite a while and it sucks
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Nov 24 14:33 UTC 2000 |
So I dream the dream
Of holding hands and kissing lips
Of long nights spent
Caressing broken bodies
Discussing broken hearts
Dreaming broken dreams
And in this dream
I can still feel your hand in mine
And the the taste of your name
Is fresh upon my lips
And this is paradise
But your touch grows ghostly
And your taste a memory
With rage I succumb to my awakening
Knowing that today
Today is just another day
Without you
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| 3 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 3:
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Nov 27 03:18 UTC 2000 |
It doesn't suck, it's just a little more ordinary than most of what you write.
(And it's good to see you back writing again...)
But this is a good starting point for something. Play Around With It And
See What Happens (tm)
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lumen
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response 2 of 3:
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Dec 2 03:49 UTC 2000 |
no offense to your usual style, but this caught my eye because it
didn't ramble so much.
Dan is right-- I'm sure you might think of a few twists and turns to
put in later. This poem is just fine, and with work it will be even
better. Don't down yourself, man-- we all have some lag time in
our creativity.
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freedom
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response 3 of 3:
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Dec 4 04:55 UTC 2000 |
I think its good.. :) Very simple and explanatory, but poems aren't
always good being mystifying!
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