Ya Habibee

Nov 8 18:54 UTC 2000

Ya Habibee,
  My heart has grown so weary.
Ya hayatee,
  That passion in you is the death of me.
Your deep set eyes
and skin, kissed with the desert sun,
and your lips,
from which poetry would fall.
   A language of anceint romance.
"Ya habibtee, e'eyunee,
   We will change the world you and I,
   for our love will conquer anything"
And thus, it did,
It conqured our families,
   until I barely spoke my mother's name,
   and my father wept with tears,
his only daughter lost to your insecurity.
It conquered my friends,
'Till the circle became suffoacting,
   and all that remained was you.
Ya hubee, wayn galbee,
   it has disappeared.
I now longer feel it beating in my chest.
My eyes, do not recognize my face.
Your words and voice,
   became the definition of my emotion.
Hands as soft as silk,
  that never knew as delicate an art,
As Me.
With the blazing sun on my side of the world,
   and the moon on yours,
our dreams fell into passing stars.
And they were my creation,
   of an impossibility,
That I could not see.
Not past your words, and poetry,
which fell from your lips,
Ya habibtee, ya hananee,
It was the death of me

response 2 of 5:

Nov 9 15:19 UTC 2000

Nice.  This is definitely among the best we've seen from you, in my opinion.
I like the little bits of indirectness, in particular -- "I now no longer feel
it beating in my chest" without needing to specify what _it_ is, etc.  "Fell
into passing stars" is also especially nice.

There are a few slighly cliched lines that I'd argue you could trim without
doing much damage: "kissed with the desert sun" and "hands as soft as silk"
and so on.  

(Oh, and what is the second language?  Can we get a translation?)

response 4 of 5:

Nov 11 02:52 UTC 2000

Sweet, Megan, very moving.