Grex Poetry Conference Item 201

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Author

Message

Left behind

Jul 2 11:36 UTC 2000

Hi,

A friend of mine wrote this poem and i think its good. Can you tell me 
what you think?


I've left your home ,'Goodbye then ',
But bear with shreds of my imprints,
they take time to leave ,to fade,
You'll probably have to wash them.
What a pity ? Others won't do that for us.!

Somewhere,maybe beneath the curio,
You may find a bright red nailpolish,
Rolled away, during one of our fights.
That embroidered kerchief,
Now laced with grease which I wiped off your face,
If you find them,please send them to me...........

And while,you remove the cobwebs,
Spruce up the walls with shining new paint,
Perhaps,you'll find the lonely ,forgotten smear,
Of 'I Love You."
Nearby,outside the window,the orange blossoms will be there,
If you find them,please send them to me................

And while you're at it,do send,
Those wilted dried flowers,and
Quiet rainy evenings.
Perhaps you can parcel ,the
Noise of laughter coupled with childish gaity.
Maybe untie my tears of loneliness,
Experienced while you were away.

If you find my broken heel which
You tried to mend,
The kiss you gave my fractured broken arm.
They'll be lying around: untended.
Covered by dust and pain.
Send them to me.................

Maybe under the pile,
You'll find my unfulfilled dreams,
Besides them,there will also be sacrifices,
Separate the ones that belong to you ,
Then again,if you look carefully,
My soul's whines may have been left,
Close by the drawing-room's window,
Please send them to me,
Lonely I am,without them.

I tried to take all with me,
Packed and searched and packed,
Now that,I'm outside your heart,
I realized ,I have left behind,
Armful of memories.
If you can,please send them to me................

2 responses total.

jazz

response 1 of 2:

Jul 2 19:04 UTC 2000

        I can see where he's going (assuming it's a he here), and the imagery
and progression are good, but it's missing an understanding of some of the
unspoken rules of English that aren't documented anywhere.

        An example would be "my soul's whines may have been left" - I'm pretty
sure the appropriate word should be "my soul's cries" - "whine" is used to
describe an annoying complaint.

        Overall, it's probably better than any poem I could write in any
language other than my native, though. :)

freedom

response 2 of 2:

Jul 2 23:04 UTC 2000

I like the whole undertone in the poem..I see a lot of expression here, kinda
of like someone who is sorta teary eyed, but not crying, that just feels a
lonliness that sweels, but doesn't really come out or go anywhere..
I agree about the word choice, also..a few of the pauses, assuming thats what
they are where the commas are threw me off a bit in readin git...
but in all, I like it very much,

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