redanjel
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So there I am thinking...
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Jun 27 03:24 UTC 2000 |
it's been a while, I'm probably rusty...
How many times can you back off a cliff
without meeting the edge, stoned on slidence
rugged pieces of sanity's misuse, evidenc on
the corners of your smile. Was it too much to
be without, of hate, of love, held to you by
trembling washed-up hands, reminicent of
everything you've chosen to be; and all that you
could have. Visualise a tender moment of trust,
prolonged by innocence, denied by naivety.
Catch me a killer - I'll hand you a gun. Choose
to be right, or fail to be wrong. Is it really a
choice? Or a statistical inevitability. Does
thinking about it void whatever outcome concludes
your search. Granted I wish, nothing more, maybe less...
now, How the hell did I end up out here???
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arianna
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response 1 of 3:
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Jun 27 23:22 UTC 2000 |
Hm. Needs punctuation, or an adjustment thereof, anyway. The entire format
is confusing; while I'm not necessarily an advocate of having everything in
a poem spelled out for me like explaining something to a two year old, there's
gotta be some happy medium between that and this poem. Don't take that the
wrong way -- I never offer critisism unless I've actually seen something in
the poem that needs more light. I'd like to see you tweak this a little.
It strikes me as an expungence of thought onto screen without order;
maybe if you could bridge your ideas a little more, I'd be able to follow
better.
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freedom
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response 3 of 3:
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Jul 2 23:09 UTC 2000 |
I like the ideas, but yeah, a little hard to read without getting caught up
in the way it is written..dsome of the lines that may actually be very
expressive kinda of get a little dusty..
rewrite, re organize :)! but really, put it back in :)
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