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| Author |
Message |
arianna
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David ~Erinn~
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May 25 17:01 UTC 2000 |
David
I.
like a green pod bursting, spilling its frothy plummage of seeds.
we are airborn in this new delight.
my lips untangle momentarily, slip from the sight of fear's snipers;
daring now to whisper your name in a voice that would say
alleluia
II.
it's easy to write for you.
others are laden with doubt,
burdened by my insides.
fear's pack horses,
tremblingly toeing the edge of the little path
that they tred, hunkering down at the slightest
brush of wind.
others are mack trucks hauling around
the silty past
in my mind. I hope they can find
a river to dump it into
before axles crack and pistons snap.
but for now
it's easy to write for you.
III.
one day, you will be witness to a storm.
the air is beginning to hum in this overcast sky.
blue and black and white, burgeoning with water and a promise of light,
first there must be downpour -- little children running from their
stoops, opening their mouths to catch the falling sky on their tongues.
you will see it. my vision is already beginning to blur with its swell.
IV.
walking through your front door, we know that what will take place
could only occur under this roof, in earshot of these walls. even your
live in girlfriend, who knows (even approves), doesn't realize that
something else resides here when she's gone. we leave it nameless, we
acknowledge it in simple, undefined terms. and when we leave, it
receeds, dissolves as we walk down the steps and into the sunlight.
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| 12 responses total. |
arianna
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response 1 of 12:
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May 25 17:04 UTC 2000 |
(my biggest nit to pick with this one is that I can't decide whether to
leave the last two sections as is or *switch* them, making III. into
IV. THat's how I originally wrote it, but I like the imagery of the
storm coming before the "we walk down the steps and into the sunlight"
part. seems more final. thoughts?)
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lumen
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response 2 of 12:
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May 25 23:17 UTC 2000 |
leave it as it is. i agree that it does seem to draw to a close that
way. I don't see it working with the last two juxtaposed.
I am sorry.. I am sooo tired and my critique is crappy
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arianna
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response 3 of 12:
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May 26 15:13 UTC 2000 |
s'okay. <hug> squeeze a nap in their somewhere. (;
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lumen
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response 4 of 12:
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May 26 22:52 UTC 2000 |
I have been..despite the guilt. This graduation crap is hell.
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jazz
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response 5 of 12:
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May 27 13:37 UTC 2000 |
Bravo! I've always enjoyed poems that shared the progression of an
author's thoughts over time, and this is one of the better ones of that style
I've read.
Although each of the pieces seems to have it's own conclusion, the
entire poem ends on a powerful note, and although I'd be half tempted to add
something afterwards as a sort of workdown from the conclusion, I'd also be
strongly tempted to leave it as it is.
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arianna
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response 6 of 12:
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May 27 16:23 UTC 2000 |
the thing about the last stanza is that it ties nicely in with the first; i.
and IV. are about the same thing, basically, with IV. being the entirety of
the situation, a repetition of it in broader terms. like you said, it was
a progression of thought over time. I wanted this piece to be like a poloroid
snapshot, watching the first most prominent aspects of the picture come out
followed gradually by the details.
thanks, jazz. (;
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jazz
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response 7 of 12:
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May 27 18:01 UTC 2000 |
Okay, I see what you mean. The first stanza is (deliberately?) elusive
as to the exact details of the situation, though the fourth is quite clear.
I'm really not able to identify why I like the first stanza so much, but I
do. It's got an evocative power.
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orinoco
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response 8 of 12:
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May 30 17:00 UTC 2000 |
THe fact that IV is so clear could also be an argument against putting it
last. Since the ending of a poem is what's going to form peoples' lasting
impression of it, and since III is so poetic and IV is so mundane, I could
see putting III last for that reason. Also, that line in IV about sunlight
would make a good lead-in for the storm in III, and the last line of III would
make a fabulous final line IMO.
I agree that having sunlight come after the storm is more closure-y, but the
line which begins "you will see it" also has a great sense of closure to it.
Regardless, this poem kicks ass. I and III in particular are just powerful
and evocative as all hell.
One nitpick, though. Shouldn't "in earshot" be "within earshot"? I think
I'd prefer to hear it that way.
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arianna
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response 9 of 12:
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May 30 21:21 UTC 2000 |
thank you almighty Graammar Bitch, "within earshot" will be ammended to this
poem. d=
The reaosn I posted it as it is: people like ot be left with a sense of
mundanity sometimes. It comforts them. I didn't want to scare as much as
impress upon the reader that a storm's comming is not necessarily destructive,
just a force, a power. And the imminence of sunlight's restoration returns
that feeling of shelter and safty and calm.
I'm glad you liked it, dan. anyone who can use the word "buttcrack" in apoem
and make it sound good is definately someone who's praise is valued. d=
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xcalibur
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response 10 of 12:
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May 31 01:26 UTC 2000 |
Mundanity doesn't comfort me it puts me to sleep.
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orinoco
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response 11 of 12:
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May 31 01:50 UTC 2000 |
I agree with Craig. I think if you're going to put the mundane section last,
you should tack a more "poetic" closing line on, so that the final impression
is still one of poetry.
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arianna
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response 12 of 12:
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May 31 19:31 UTC 2000 |
So in other words, Craig, youd like me to switch them? d=
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