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| Author |
Message |
ponder
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China Doll
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Feb 7 04:21 UTC 2000 |
I was a perfect china doll
With perfect china wings,
With happy eyes and shiny hair,
With gold the worth of kings.
God painted me and sent me here
To hands that knew my worth,
But careless hands soon knocked me down.
I shattered on the earth.
Somehow my pieces all were found
And glue can do so much,
But not the kind of wonderous things
Found in the healing touch.
So, as I wept at all the strings
I wore to hold me tight,
I found a crack that mended straight
And more throughout the night.
From there, as healing hurts, I wait
And suffer through the pain
But, though I am no china doll,
At least I am still sane.
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| 6 responses total. |
ponder
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response 1 of 6:
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Feb 7 04:22 UTC 2000 |
This has to be the most complicated work I've done so far.
Can you tell why?
Also, any comments that might help to improve it are welcome.
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redanjel
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response 2 of 6:
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Feb 7 06:06 UTC 2000 |
Hey, I didn't know you *had-it* with the rhyming thing :) - I'm just kinda
passing through so I haven't any constructive critiques; but I love how
consistent you are in the progression of the poems "story" as it were.
Also, from "..From there, as healing ... /.. I am still sane" for me, brings
the seriousness of the first line, to a comic-type conclusion. I really
enjoyed this piece.
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lumen
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response 3 of 6:
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Feb 8 05:24 UTC 2000 |
I don't think she intended it that way, but now that I look at it again,
I think Ron is right-- it does end with a bit of a comical twist.
Julie has never used this type of rhyming scheme, although I believe
I've seen it before. I've forgotten what complexity she found, but I do
see a few examples of assonance that makes things interesting.
To me, it is another sappy folk poem that is extremely popular but
rarely exquisitely crafted.
No offense to my wife-- rhyme has been done for so long that it is
difficult to use well now.
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ponder
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response 4 of 6:
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Feb 11 03:45 UTC 2000 |
I know.
That's why most of everybody doesn't
use it that often.
Still, I like rhyme. I used to do it a lot.
As for the comic ending... I saw it before
I entered it.
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freedom
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response 5 of 6:
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Feb 24 03:49 UTC 2000 |
Well, I happened to REALLY like this...I like the meaning a lot..and it flows
really well, and to be honest with you, I still like rhyming...everyone is
into that rambling stuff! Good rhyme is hard to do...
I think this is great...
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ponder
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response 6 of 6:
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Feb 28 05:35 UTC 2000 |
why thank you, Megan.
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