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Grex > Poetry > #168: How did I lose your baby blue eyes - *Dynamo* | |
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Message |
dynamo
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How did I lose your baby blue eyes - *Dynamo*
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Jan 27 21:48 UTC 2000 |
How did I lose your baby blue eyes
And the smile that lit up my sky?
What did I say that sent you away?
Can somebody tell me why?
Sometimes we move away from the flow
And find ourselves lost and alone.
What turn did I miss after some kiss
That told you what I should have known?
How did you get so far from my heart
Without my becoming aware?
What did you see deep inside me
That I never knew was there?
We drive in the darkness down strange, empty roads
Into sudden and unforeseen pain.
We think that we choose, but after we lose,
We see that we've done it again.
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| 7 responses total. |
lumen
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response 1 of 7:
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Jan 28 06:02 UTC 2000 |
the content is appealing, but I'm just not hip to rhyming meter (hard to
get me to like rhyme).
I'll have to take another look.
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flem
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response 2 of 7:
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Jan 28 16:34 UTC 2000 |
This particular meter/rhyme scheme is especially unlikely to have people
taking it seriously, as I found out recently...
If I were you, I would take this poem and the last one, the one about
waiting patiently and not invading your space even though you're with
someone else, and try to combine them into something longer and more
complex. Experiment with different meters and rhyme schemes, especially
more obscure ones. Add some symbolism/imagery. Blah blah blah.
Basically, I think that both this poem and the last one are too short
and simple to be interesting, but that they are related enough that you
might be able to combine them into something with more depth.
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orinoco
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response 3 of 7:
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Feb 1 04:57 UTC 2000 |
I'm gonna object to your "too short and simple to be insteresting" -- as often
as not, more concise is more interesting.
"We drive in the darkness down strange, empty roads" -- I like this line.
If you do end up playing around with these poems more, as flem suggests, you
might try elaborating on it. The turn towards the eerie in the last stanza
makes the otherwise "light" rhyme scheme seem creepy for a moment.
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flem
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response 4 of 7:
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Feb 1 15:58 UTC 2000 |
Okay, okay... I guess I meant that it was simple (as opposed to
complex), and that being simple, it was too short to catch my attention.
It is certainly possible to write short poems that are interesting; I
will certainly not attempt to deny that. :)
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orinoco
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response 5 of 7:
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Feb 1 18:49 UTC 2000 |
Oh, I get what you meant. Okay.
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ponder
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response 6 of 7:
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Feb 7 03:31 UTC 2000 |
I always admire a person that can get their point across with a rhyming
poem. Nice work, Dynamo.
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freedom
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response 7 of 7:
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Feb 24 04:00 UTC 2000 |
I think the length is fine.... :)
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