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| Author |
Message |
ponder
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Jack the Artist
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Jan 21 01:39 UTC 2000 |
Crisp morning.
I step out the door
And into glassy art.
It seems that nature has been busy
Lining everything
With tiny feathers of frost.
Trees are delicate sculptures of glass.
The mailbox wears a lacy collar today.
Metal fences appear made of fabric.
Except where the weave has been marred by careless fingers.
Even the grey-white sky seems like glass today.
The shards shatter under my feet
As I blunder to my car.
*************
This is another off the cuff one.
Comments?
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| 4 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 4:
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Jan 21 16:39 UTC 2000 |
The first three lines kick ass. "Out the door and into glassy art" really
struck me; I'm not entirely sure what it was about it.
You might want to consider losing all the "seems like"s. Especially since
this is a pretty common metaphor, you don't need to tell us that the metal
fences aren't _really_ made of fabric.
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arianna
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response 2 of 4:
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Jan 22 15:57 UTC 2000 |
ditto; window dressing.
some choice lines here, I like it.
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lumen
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response 3 of 4:
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Jan 28 06:00 UTC 2000 |
only one "seems like."
I'll have to print this out so she knows she's improving. She's not a
student anymore, so access isn't guaranteed.
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ponder
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response 4 of 4:
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Feb 1 06:04 UTC 2000 |
(bows) Okay. Excise the "seems like"
I'll rewrite it here soon so you can see what it looks like written
right.
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