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| Author |
Message |
redanjel
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Never Me.
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Jan 13 15:09 UTC 2000 |
well - I aint written one for a while, so here goes another one of my
impromptu pieces -
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so I fell
who cares. who counts.
are you blameless,
mind concieved in purity..
to judge me?
glare as you wish
you'll get no more from me.
I landed on my face,
pride shattered
severed ego,
burning humility
clothed in....you.
what price you ask?
did I pay in full..
answer me - scratch that..
shut up.
your voice
in my mind
is enough. To make me sick.
perfection,
beauty,
assertion - hold it up
to shine. Show off.
Have I told you
just how much
I hate you? - your being
contradicts me
my beliefs,
my reality.
so I fell
I care...
I fell for you.
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| 7 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 7:
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Jan 13 18:28 UTC 2000 |
"Who cares. Who counts." is really cool. I like the way you get so much
effect out of short sentences that don't sound typically "poetic." Also,
"burning humility, clothed in....you" is nice - a good reversal. This poem
hangs together well.
If I were you, I'd probably make the middle stanza more "poetic," throw in
some more images and whatnot, but it works well enough the way it is.
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flem
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response 2 of 7:
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Jan 14 03:36 UTC 2000 |
I like the middle stanza. It has some delicious reversals. "answer me
- scratch that.. / shut up." really caught my attention.
I think I like this best of the things I've seen of yours so far.
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lumen
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response 3 of 7:
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Jan 16 00:52 UTC 2000 |
yes, things are coming along.
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ponder
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response 4 of 7:
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Jan 21 01:18 UTC 2000 |
This is very emotionally charged. By chance does this relate to an
actual event in your life?
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redanjel
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response 5 of 7:
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Jan 29 04:22 UTC 2000 |
re#5 hehe - aren't all poems a figurative outlet for past events in our lives?
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redanjel
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response 6 of 7:
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Jan 29 04:24 UTC 2000 |
yea you're right. The imagery I was going for, was me projectin all my
negatives onto "her", even though she done nothing wrong. So in effect, this
"other" person I resent so much - is the *me* I hate.
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freedom
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response 7 of 7:
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Feb 24 04:03 UTC 2000 |
good! I like! :) For some reason I don't like the "To make me sick" part...I
feel it really ins't needed!
otherwise, it's good.
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