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| Author |
Message |
freedom
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cry
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Dec 19 20:57 UTC 1999 |
Lonely, sad, and withdrawn.
Al the things I thought
I'd never be.
Feeling choked with words,
that I cannot say.
Wanting to scream it out,
just once.
Yet silence is all I hear.
Old emotions, old words,
nothing new here.
Years gone by,
and I retreat back
to where I started.
let me crawl, let me stumble,
I want to fall into your arms again.
Can't you see it in my eyes?
How can you not know..
You are my mother father brother best friend old fried
you are whoever
you want to be..
and I need you.
someone.
please notice me....
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| 5 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 5:
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Dec 20 04:45 UTC 1999 |
I like the way you play with whether or not you're talking to a specific
person..."you are my mother father" etc. sounds like you're talking to someone
in particular, but then "I need you. someone" sounds like you're talking to
anyone who will listen. It's kind of a nice effect; I don't know if this is
what you were going for, but it made me think of the voice of the poem pouring
its heart out to a total stranger. In any case, it's a nice twist towards
the end.
And "yet silence is all I hear" is nice: a less straightforward, more
interesting way of saying "I don't say anything," plus implying that the other
person isn't saying anything either. It's a lot of stuff packed indirectly
into one line.
I almost wish you'd do that sort of thing more often in this poem, since so
much of it is very literal and direct.
Anyway....are you new to the conference? Welcome to poetry, if you are; if
not, I'm just delusional, ignore me....
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freedom
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response 2 of 5:
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Dec 20 09:56 UTC 1999 |
Very old here actually, justy haven in about two years, my old stuff is
somehwehere in the dusty stacks of this conf.. :)
Actually, when i wrote this, I almost wanted it to be cliched lines..because
this to me, is how emotions like this are...you have them over and over again,
yet always the same, but not....I dunno..you got the right idea though! :)
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arianna
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response 3 of 5:
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Dec 21 07:25 UTC 1999 |
That's what I thought, "sounds like one of her old pieces."
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orinoco
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response 4 of 5:
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Dec 23 17:16 UTC 1999 |
Ah. So I am just delusional. Cool.
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lumen
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response 5 of 5:
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Jan 12 02:23 UTC 2000 |
I empathize once again. Very eloquent.
(sorry, my brain is fried-- so my critique is rather shallowly
rendered-- can't think of anything more meaningful to say other than
something akin to 'it was nice')
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