toking

Dec 8 07:45 UTC 1999

I lost my world today

carefully contructed
built of grace
of hope
of dreams
of lies
built on a better life

I lost my world today

with three
simple
careless words
I went trembling
wailing
into oblivion

today I found
waht I"d been forgetting
pushing off
shoving aside
burying
so deep inside
that it would never
never
break free

Today I found my life a lie
struggled for
dreamed of
and lusted after
but a lie all the same

Today was truth
as it came looking for me
seeking to bring me back
out of denial
out of lethargy
I awoke
taunted
teased
into realization

I lost my world today

Now I've a question
Just one
simple question

Did you ever care?

response 2 of 2:

Dec 20 04:39 UTC 1999

M'eh.  I've been all kinds of bad about keeping up in this conference....

I like how you vary your refrain line.  You don't just stick with "I lost my
world today," you repeat "today" in other combinations.  Holds the poem
together, without being as monotonous as it would be to use "I lost my world"
at the start of every stanza or some such.

"I found my life a lie" and "burying deep inside" struck me as a little
cliche, but they aren't cliche enough to detract from the rest of the poem,
IMO.  But it might be better if you could rephrase them.  I don't know.  I'm
being indecisive....<g>