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| Author |
Message |
redanjel
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divorce me
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Dec 4 16:08 UTC 1999 |
ok, I'm back. I've kinda worked with this one a little...
<!--
I thought I knew forever
disappear inside it,
Taste infinity trapped
so timeless,
It wanders. My thoughts. My mind.
My Parents have
thier own forever.
It's taste, it varies to mine
Edges torn and
black-ended tail.
Ragged, the life
it has worn.
Did they ask me?
what it means - this "forever"?
Did they want,
what I had in my head?
probably not - so do it...
and go to hell...
infinite my rage,
as you gesture remains.
bury me.
cos I thought I knew forever...
--->
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| 5 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 5:
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Dec 20 04:51 UTC 1999 |
Wow. I really have been bad about keeping up here.....
I love the way it sounds, but there are parts of it that I'm not quite sure
what they mean. The second stanza in particular is a bit too vague for me.
Other places, that vagueness works really well, though. I think the first
stanza is just beautiful, especially since it makes a good balance between
specific and vague. It's not entirely straightforward, but it gets across
the impression of eternity and timelessness better than if you'd been totally
specific and just said "I thought this would last forever but it didn't" or
something like that.
"so do it... and go to hell...." is a bit crude for my taste, but it is
certainly shocking. You might want to consider slightly less-blunt ways of
getting the same effect; you might just want to leave it the way it is.
Looping back to the opening for the last line is a nice effect. Especially
after the shock of the stanza before, it's a good way of grounding the poem
again.
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arianna
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response 2 of 5:
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Dec 21 07:23 UTC 1999 |
Hm. Needs punctuation.
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redanjel
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response 3 of 5:
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Dec 22 11:49 UTC 1999 |
hehe - it's funny you mention that bit "..go to hell." cosmy original piece
was "_so do it/and f***-off/.." I actually thought "go to hell" was a lot
nicer :)
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redanjel
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response 4 of 5:
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Dec 22 11:58 UTC 1999 |
re#1, oh yea, ok - this was written while my parents were contemplating a
divorce(hence the title). The second stanza kinda describes thier
marriage...i.e. they took vows to be together forever("...have thier own
forever..."/ questioning how "forever" could end) and the ragged and
black-ended kinda an "ugly" depiction of what they see thier marriage
becoming. That's just an explanation of that stanza. :)
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orinoco
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response 5 of 5:
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Dec 23 23:11 UTC 1999 |
Re#3: Heh.... Well, I'd lobby you to tone it down even more, but that's
probably just me. Whatever works.
Re#4: Oh, okay. Should have guessed that from the title.
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