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| Author |
Message |
toking
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Exit 24, I 94 toking
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Nov 25 07:22 UTC 1999 |
Here we go again
If I speed
Just a bit
Maybe we'll make it
Maybe we'll get to sleep tonight
The gentle humm
Of oversized tires
Racing down the highway
Take me back
When I was younger
Dad drove this same route
Every Thanksgiving
Back then we drove to see Grandma
Now Grandma's gone
And I'm driving this same route
To see mom
To see the nephews
My aunts,
Uncles,
Brothers and sisters
In the years between I've somehow become lost
Pulled away from my family
The family that raised me
Now I'm preoccupied
Thrusting all of that aside
Raising my own family
Taking care of my own home
My own life
But making sure
That this 4 hour drive
Remains just the same
The visual click
Click click, click click
Of Little yellow lines
Breaks my reverie
With only 60 miles to go
Its good to be going home
Even just for a few days
Wait...
Whats that!?
Thank God
8 o'clock at last
The buzzer sounds
And I can punch out
It's not too cold tonight
But last nights rain has left it damp
The car should start
I hope
God...6.50 an hour
Thats not enough to worry about this shit
But I got bills
and 6.50's all they'll give
Hell...at least I don't work tomorrow
At least I'll get paid to eat turkey
Come on baby...turn over
Come on...one more time
Ahh...thats it girl
Why're there so many
So God damned many people on the road tonight?
Right...Thanksgiving
Everyone traveling
Fine
Just stay out of my way
For 20 fucking minutes
Thats all I ask
Shit job
Shit pay
And here I am
Spending $70 a week
Just for gas
Shit
I gotta get out of this town
But at least I get to see the folks tomorrow
Shit
I just replaced that fuse...
Ohh well...I"ve got another
Wait...
What's that!?
Silence
Loud enough to hear
1 mile down the road
Not silence
Not really
It's that noise you hear
That you know
That you fear
Because it brings the silence
I passed the two of them
Before the gawkers started in
1 Forrest green SUV
It's windows littering the highway
With too much sparkling beauty to avoid
1 man standing next to it
Holding a woman and 2 small children
Closer to him than ever before
Across the way
1 ball of twisted silver
and red rust
Miraculously
The antenna has survived
It supplies the only movement there
I take all of this in
In one brief moment
Then its gone
Will I remember it tomorrow?
No.
But I do tonight
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| 3 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 3:
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Nov 27 19:10 UTC 1999 |
Hrm....I like the recurring "what's that?" and I think the contrast works
well. This seems even prose-ier than most of what you write, but that does
sort of work, since this is more storytelling than anything else to my ears.
The beginning bit, with the hypnotic effect of driving, works well, and it
makes a good contrast with the "what's that"s later on.
Actually, since the suspense between the first "what's that" and the eventual
explanation of the situation is really what drives this, it might be worth
trying to stick in a few more, not just the one in between.
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redanjel
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response 2 of 3:
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Nov 28 01:24 UTC 1999 |
hey, I like the feeling in this. Kind of a life's reflection, juxtaposed with
childhood memories. While I'm not one for long poems, I like the way you've
introduced a theme with a med. sized line, then used a long line, followed
by shorter ones as you "hone-on" on a minute detail of the subject e.g. "1
Forrest...and red rust.." - overall, I like it's reflective quality. :)
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lumen
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response 3 of 3:
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Nov 29 04:32 UTC 1999 |
I guess Dan's idea of this being a storytelling piece is fitting,
because this rambled on longer than what I typically see as poetry.
It's good, really, and it works well as a story. I'm just tired and
frazzled as usual, and I'll have to give it a second look.
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