| Grex > Poetry > #154: ~untitled by toking |
| ~untitled by toking | 
Nov 16 02:28 UTC 1999 |
so... does it ramble or roll or slip and fall off your tounge flipping as it falls tubmling end over translucent end before it hits bottom echoing... no... detonating on too frail ears I burn with the implications of your words and the after images of your thoughts wrapping long serpentine tendrils first around then through the gossamer web of my own thoughts my thoughts my web ripped assunder in one last heated blast of your will collapsing the foundations of such a stable lie and what do you see now as the words have stopped rolling do you see what I have become no drop the pretentions look again do you see what you have become? I am nothing now nothing but this ghostly mirror that your gaze has ceased to penetrate
| response 1 of 1: |
Nov 17 15:02 UTC 1999 |
ooh....nice. I especially like the pacing of the beginning: you wait just long enough for "I burn with the implications...," the first concrete sentence of the poem, and I like the "i-have-no-idea-what's-going-on-but-this-sounds-good-so-I-hope- he-explains-it" lines that come before it. "no / drop the pretentions" seemed to me a little....how to say this... pretentious? "Drop the pretense" or "drop the pretending" seem closer to what you're going for anyway. "serpentine tendrils" is a little cliche too; an adjective besides "serpentine" would make it a lot stronger and more attention-getting.