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Grex > Poetry > #148: another exquisite corpse in the city | |
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| Author |
Message |
djf
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another exquisite corpse in the city
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Nov 7 06:52 UTC 1999 |
my favorite bird
a feather speckled, spotted almost
curb cut nearly blue against warm brown
my voice in technical distraction
paused in recognition
reaching down optics not having touched
glancing I see beside nearby glass tower
her slightly curved bill broken, still
sharp markings I make no mistake, though
maybe was there something wrong
with my favorite, with my favorite
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| 6 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 6:
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Nov 7 07:18 UTC 1999 |
Was this really written entirely as an exquisite corpse? It seems incredibly
coherent: the images and phrases are all over the place, but it sounded like
it was written with a particular feeling in mind, and like it hit that feeling
right on the nose.
Of course, that scattered-ness also makes it hard to comment on. I have no
idea what makes it work, so I don't really have anything to suggest. But good
work, and welcome to poetry! -- am I right in thinking you're new to the
conference?
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arianna
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response 2 of 6:
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Nov 10 07:49 UTC 1999 |
YEAH! I exuberantly like this one.
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lumen
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response 3 of 6:
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Nov 10 21:49 UTC 1999 |
Welcome. Perhaps you've hit some deep sense of artistry we cannot
fully comprehend. I do tend to agree with Dan, but I'm not sure the
poem ends neatly for me. I'm wondering if there could be more
description before the last two lines. But then, since I'm having
trouble interpreting this as well, I can't be certain that's a problem.
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jazz
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response 4 of 6:
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Nov 18 23:21 UTC 1999 |
If nearness black city disgorging, heat cod-liver oil antennaee!
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orinoco
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response 5 of 6:
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Nov 19 01:57 UTC 1999 |
You really think so? <shakes head>.
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cloud
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response 6 of 6:
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Dec 28 10:06 UTC 1999 |
I like this. The meaning isn't immediatly clear to me, but I'm not focusing
on that- Every line feels finely honed, almost surgical. Everything was
removed that wasn't nessecary. Good work.
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