|
|
| Author |
Message |
redanjel
|
|
my prison
| 
Nov 6 17:46 UTC 1999 |
here's another one for the manic-depressive in all of us.
coldness fold your weary arms
your love's not wanted here.
the invitation still extended
granted my undying grief.
sadness dry your mournful eyes
I cried too soon today,
you stole all I had left to hold
regret - my solice, gone.
alone, could you have thought it me
to find myself for want,
disgrace hath shown her noble face
disgrace hath made her mine,
allowed to wollow
mind in space,
her clutches holds ... my time.
|
| 10 responses total. |
orinoco
|
|
response 1 of 10:
|
Nov 7 07:40 UTC 1999 |
Grr! You keep _doing_ this! You'll give us a wonderful first few lines, and
then sort of taper off..... "Coldness fold your weary arms" is a _great_
line, and I like the way you echo it in "sadness dry your mournful eyes," but
as usual your ending doesn't really do it for me.
Do you tend to write these at one sitting? The one's you've posted sound to
me like the spark of a Really Good Idea, followed by some less-inspired lines
as you try to play that idea out. Is this in fact how you write, or am I
totally missing the mark? In any case, I'd be curious to see what
would happen if you kicked one of these around in your head for a week or two,
and waited for an Equally Good Idea for the ending to strike you.
|
redanjel
|
|
response 2 of 10:
|
Nov 7 14:51 UTC 1999 |
bingo! Sorry if it's kind of a tease. But you're right, I do write these in
one go. It's usually 4am, and I've gotten home from a night out on the
town..But I'm going to take your advice, and think about the next one for a
week. But I've got to find a topic where I don't compromise my thoughts with
artistic flair.Missing the mark = quite the opposite, your spot on :), "taper
off" = passing out(the next one's going to be sober)
|
lumen
|
|
response 3 of 10:
|
Nov 9 01:43 UTC 1999 |
you mentioned 'manic-depressive' in your prose introduction.
I'm manic-depressive myself, so you have my attention-- chew on that for
a while, and see if that generates some ideas there.
Although I often compose here at the keyboard, I usually think and
agonize over the ideas for a while, and one poem can take me a while.
Ever thought about writing lines of poetry when you're out drinking?
Gotta strike when the iron's hot and the feelings are raw and sore--
intoxication may have an artistic effect, but your mind is numb, as you
said.
|
redanjel
|
|
response 4 of 10:
|
Nov 9 11:18 UTC 1999 |
hey, I didn't know that Jon! I was kind of joking with that line, I hope I
didn't offend you. But I think you've got a good idea there, coupled with the
advice of working the raw poem over before submitting the final piece...sounds
like a plan!
|
arianna
|
|
response 5 of 10:
|
Nov 10 07:48 UTC 1999 |
mmm. first lines are great. needs fleshing. but good.
|
lumen
|
|
response 6 of 10:
|
Nov 10 21:43 UTC 1999 |
resp:4 don't worry about it. I thought the notion had the potential
for further inspiration. Myself-- I have written many a poem whilst in
my storms of mood, and strangely, the more depressive sides seem to be
something I can construct from. I mean, sometimes it gets so bad, it's
like I take the nub of a fine pen and slit my wrists to let the flowing
blood form the words on the page.
Hmm, that might be the beginning of a poem :) Anyway, it's odd how
often my distressing or intense moments help me produce poetry. Julie
says I write out of cathargy-- a need to release emotion. The material
does seem to reflect that.
So I continue to suggest you consider the details of the moment and the
intensity of the emotion-- it may drive your writing.
|
cloud
|
|
response 7 of 10:
|
Dec 28 10:02 UTC 1999 |
Hmm... one of my favorite poet/musicians, Fish, one credited every lyric on
an album (Clutching at Straws/ Marillion) to the various bars he'd been
drinking in. The album concept was about things that drive a man to drink,
very dark and moody stuff, but very effective in convaying emotion. Just a
thought sprining from Jon's suggestion.
|
ponder
|
|
response 8 of 10:
|
Jan 12 02:29 UTC 2000 |
I think this poem would be better if you abandoned the "thee" "thou"
thing and used modern English.
|
redanjel
|
|
response 9 of 10:
|
Jan 13 14:48 UTC 2000 |
re#8 - hehe, well, when I studied shakespeare last year, I found the way he
described an *unspeakable* pain amazing, so it was that feeling/atmosphere
I tried to render upon those lines :)..you could be right though.
|
ponder
|
|
response 10 of 10:
|
Jan 21 01:09 UTC 2000 |
I liked the atmosphere. I just found the "Thees" and "Thous" hard to
get around.
|