redanjel
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drunk on thoughts
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Nov 6 17:38 UTC 1999 |
ok, I've just got home from a long night of drinking, So if this poem has any
abrasive overtones...it's the alcohol :)
I often wonder what life has given me
love astounding? hope abound?...
I ponder what I have achieved
riches splendid? goals obtained?...
yet as I think, I have but gained
dreaded memories of old
coupled with the self esteem
of a wounded soldier,
dare I think?no.
For to ask is one thing
but the answers given
could tear the final wound
in the perfect dream,
waiting to be born.
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flem
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response 1 of 4:
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Nov 7 05:29 UTC 1999 |
Warning: know-it-all advice follows. :)
I don't think I really understand your poems. Several of the ones I've
read recently have left me wondering what it is you're trying to say,
what image you're trying to portray. I mean, what is the point of this
poem? It seems to have something to do with depression, perhaps apathy,
but...
For me, I guess, when I read a poem, I go into it prepared for the
anything in the full range of human emotion. I expect the poet to
narrow it down, to a fairly specific emotion/image, or a few carefully
chosen emotions or images or ideas which are juxtaposed for comparison
or contrast. The narrower and more specific the range of emotions, the
more brilliantly they stand out. If the poet manages to single out one
pure emotion, it becomes so powerful that I almost have no choice but to
feel what the poet intended me to feel, and feel it strongly. If the
range of emotions is not narrowed down enough, I experience many
simultaneous emotions weakly, almost at a background level.
The way you narrow down the possible range of emotions is with detail.
If you say "I felt this, AND that, AND the other thing", the more
details you add, the fewer possible mixes of emotion satisfy that
description, and the closer you get to accurate.
When I read your poems, I often feel that individual lines or
sentences have real merit. You seem to have a sense of structure, and
your word choice can be surprising and effective, but the overall
content leaves me wondering what the point was.
My advice: try something longer. Shoot for 20-30 lines. Talk about
one thing, and try to say something about it that you think is
meaningful. It's great to try to say a lot in a few words, but the way
to get there is not by writing something short. You have to write
something long, with the content you want, and only then cut down the
number of words, being careful not to cut down on content.
On the other hand, it's worth keeping in mind that you've actually
written four or five poems in the last week, while I have a big file of
fragments that won't finish themselves. :)
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orinoco
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response 2 of 4:
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Nov 7 07:13 UTC 1999 |
<grin and nod at flem's last lines....>
I liked the first few lines of this especially: "love astounding? hope
aboud?..." and so on. They've got a nice flow and rhythm to them, but they're
just off-kilter enough ("hope abound" instead of the "abounding" that you
might expect, etc.) to keep me paying attention.
I think you could get a _lot_ of mileage out of "cound tear the final wound
/ in the perfect dream / waiting to be born." You could easily spend a much
longer poem just spelling out in full what these images imply. If you get
a chance, you might want to try playing around with them, trying to flesh them
out, and see what you get.
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redanjel
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response 3 of 4:
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Nov 7 14:44 UTC 1999 |
Hi. I value your honest opinions of my poems. I feel it't the best way for
anyone to develop in this art. I was actually drunk when I wrote this, so it's
evasive-emotive nature, stems from the alcohol-numbed mind. Yet in this way,
I feel I capture exactly my feelings at the time. "I don't understand your
poems", -- my poems(like most ppl's) are an expression of my mind/heart/and
soul. Your confusion while reading, is "garnished" with elusive
emotions...this is precisely what I'm trying to convey...being the kind of
teenager I am, is the most difficult and confusing thing in the world. your
response to my poem was brilliant. You reflectd my exact feelings. Am I
angry?(in the poem, that is)I don't know. Am I depressed?I don't know. But
the only certainies in both my life and my poems, is that I "feel", and I am
confused. But your views are very much importent to me :)
Maybe I should find a "specific" topic. My life is a bit too big a topic to
fully express in the short lines I write :)
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lumen
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response 4 of 4:
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Nov 9 01:36 UTC 1999 |
Most of us were teenagers not that long ago, and so I don't think that's
really the point. We empathize at having felt confused, lonely, and
mixed-up; and we still feel that way sometimes. It never really goes
away.
I agree with Greg that you might consider fleshing out some of your
points. I have said that writing poetry spontaneously is very
theraputic, and has artistic merit in the fact that the author expresses
him(her)self in a rather pure and raw state, without artistic
embellishment.
But you are sharing your poetry with the rest of us, so it's sometimes
good to go back and re-work a poem. This cf has suggested I do that
myself *many* times, and I've posted poetry that I wrote right at the
moment, or poetry that I'd saved from years back.
This is something that takes practice. Building skill and craftsmanship
in poetry is well worth the effort.
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