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| Author |
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ponder
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Porn
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Nov 5 18:26 UTC 1999 |
They dance,
Sultry seducers that they are,
Like lovely snakes in human form
Wrapping their perfect coils around our throats
From within their magic world,
Choking off our senses,
Making us blind to everything
Except their writhing, twisting, naked bodies.
Unwillingly,
Unknowingly,
We carry them from their world
And into ours.
We give them temporary shelter
In the holy temples of our minds
And they turn our temples into bordellos,
Invite in all their friends,
Tell us everything is fine,
Smile to us that they will leave when we want them to.
Yet,
If we ever choose to put them out,
To clean our mental temples,
They return through unsealed cracks and mouse holes,
Hoping that we will give in,
Allow them to stay in our temple,
Forget our true loved ones,
Make them real,instead.
-4 November, 1999
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| 6 responses total. |
lumen
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response 1 of 6:
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Nov 5 23:33 UTC 1999 |
The enlightenment is coming, Julie-- with a little work on the ending,
I'd say this piece is probably your best work to date.
Some of the wording of the last stanza is a tad awkward and I had to
read it a couple of times. The flow seems a bit interrupted, and if
you inserted a few articles, say, "to" before "allow" and "forget"; and
the word "and" before make; I think the ending would be smoother.
I am so proud of you-- if this poem is any indication, you are vastly
improving.
btw, I'm sorry and I won't do it again
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orinoco
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response 2 of 6:
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Nov 7 07:34 UTC 1999 |
By line four, you had me paying attention: it sounded from the opening that
this was going to be yet-another-sultry-happy-sex-poem, so "wrapping their
perfect coils around our throats" really made me sit up and take notice. Is
there any way you could make that same jolt come a little earlier? It seems
to me that the contrast of that line is what's at the heart of the poem, and
what's interesting about the poem; and the longer you delay it, the more you
risk that people will just see the cliche instead of your twist on it.
I'm gonna cast my vote against Jon's on the ending, though; I think it works
very well, especially the last three lines. Regardless of the details,
though, I agree that this is my favorite of yours so far.
"Unwillingly, / unknowingly / we carry them from their world / and into ours"
seemed like the weak link of the poem to me. Now, mind you, that's a weak
link between two very strong links, so I wouldn't worry about it too much,
but you might want to play around with this middle chunk a little.
(And I'd say your point is eminently clear without such a blunt title, but
that's also a pretty tiny point).
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lumen
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response 3 of 6:
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Nov 9 01:23 UTC 1999 |
well, anyway, when you see this, take this as a reminder that the
conference is seriously noticing your poetry, Julie (if I don't mention
it beforehand)
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ponder
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response 4 of 6:
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Nov 9 18:50 UTC 1999 |
<bows>thank you, guys.
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toking
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response 5 of 6:
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Nov 10 05:03 UTC 1999 |
all together wonderful...the only part that struck me as being a tad
off was "To clean our mental temples" the wording seemed a bit too
cutsey for the rest of the piece
good show julie
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ponder
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response 6 of 6:
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Nov 19 18:33 UTC 1999 |
Yeah. I know it's a little corney.
Thanks for the compliment, Joe.
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