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| Author |
Message |
redanjel
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gothic nights.
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Nov 5 13:21 UTC 1999 |
lose me, I didn't hear you.
caught your silence. say no more.
let me go.
Sunny days, and golden dreams
fill my life. hope. lies.
Darkened storms, soul tormented
ravage the nights. gone. stop.
could time heal
rifts plegded by broken hearts?
no. time can answer
time's own questions.
my answers lie in me.
will I live? yes.
will I die?...
shhh. whisper
you are already dead.
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| 5 responses total. |
ponder
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response 1 of 5:
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Nov 5 18:23 UTC 1999 |
This is freaky wierd, but I love it just the same. I am especially
intrigued by the feel of it right at the end.
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lumen
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response 2 of 5:
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Nov 5 23:26 UTC 1999 |
The pacing is just delightful! I haven't seen the use of periods
within a line-- you made that work brilliantly. I think the pace
really does set the feel of the piece; the minimalistic use of imagery
compliments the short phrasing well.
I tend to favor short poems because I admire those who can speak
volumes in such little material, and this is one of them.
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redanjel
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response 3 of 5:
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Nov 6 17:28 UTC 1999 |
thanx for the critique. I find it more comforting when ppl are honest in thier
views of my poems. Cos if it sux, I want to know :)
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orinoco
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response 4 of 5:
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Nov 7 07:24 UTC 1999 |
(It takes a lot of work to write a poem that actively sucks...that's why
there are bad-poetry contests.... )
I love the first three lines of this, especially "lost your silence". I don't
especially like the ending -- it seems a bit too abrupt, and maybe too
Twilight-Zone-ish -- but that was the part Julie did like, so this is probably
just personal taste speaking.
I agree with Jon: the way you break up the lines with periods is an
interesting effect.
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lumen
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response 5 of 5:
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Nov 9 01:21 UTC 1999 |
hehehe.. I do my best to be a good critic.
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