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| Author |
Message |
bookworm
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World Song
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Jan 29 06:57 UTC 1999 |
Go! Go! Go!
Who cares that you're not fast!
We're not interested in that!
We just want to squeeze every last drop of speed
From your quivering, sweating body!
Go! Go! Go!
Don't tell us you're married!
There are at lease thirty million people
Sacrificing their families on the altars of work and art!
Now it's your turn!
Go! Go! Go!
Go until you gasp, cough, wheeze, die!
You see we're trying to break you!
We'll push you until you can't even think!
Don't try to wring a crystal tear from our eyes!
Escape.
-27 January, 1999
(Your suggestions are welcome. Jon says it's missing something.)
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| 10 responses total. |
cloud
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response 1 of 10:
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Feb 1 01:54 UTC 1999 |
yeah, the end seems a little too abrupt, like it's one long shout and you're
out of air. Does that make any sence?
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bookworm
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response 2 of 10:
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Feb 1 03:10 UTC 1999 |
Yeah. A little. Any suggestions how I might fix it?
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cloud
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response 3 of 10:
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Feb 3 02:35 UTC 1999 |
Perhaps if you elaborated a little on "Escape." It looks like a good lead
in to something, but not a very good conclusion. Escape to where? When?
Why? See?
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bookworm
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response 4 of 10:
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Feb 3 07:15 UTC 1999 |
I'll think about it. I just wondered if I could get my message across
with that one word "Escape."
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toking
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response 5 of 10:
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Feb 3 16:04 UTC 1999 |
I like how it ends...it's like the whole while youve got all these
people beating down on you, just constantly putting you to the screws,
but at the end its liek one of them finally decides you've had enough
and when the others aren't looking he setds you free...
i ,don't know....
sorry for this really bad comparison, but it kinda like in conan when
his owner sets him free.....
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bookworm
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response 6 of 10:
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Feb 3 22:30 UTC 1999 |
You've got it!
That was exactly the idea I was going for.
Thanks.
So how do you suggest I imporve on that idea?
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toking
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response 7 of 10:
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Feb 5 10:33 UTC 1999 |
me? I don't :) I think it was done rather nicely :)
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bdwyer
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response 8 of 10:
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Feb 5 20:12 UTC 1999 |
I agree with Joe... Also to expand on a response earlier... it's exactly like
youare out of breath.. like you've been working so hard to meet everybody
elses expectations... and finaly you let lose.... and escape... breathing
a sigh of relief
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bookworm
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response 9 of 10:
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Feb 8 00:22 UTC 1999 |
That's very good. Think, then, that I'll leave it like it is.
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toking
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response 10 of 10:
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Feb 17 17:48 UTC 1999 |
(linked to the new poetry conf)
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