| Grex > Poetry > #126: "Empty gesture" by toking |
| "Empty gesture" by toking | 
Sep 1 19:06 UTC 1999 |
We sit Hand in hand Watching Other cars flying past Houses to either side Flowing briefly before Then beside Then behind us And nothing is said I used to think Nothing need be said Now I think There's nothing to say So we sit Hand in hand As we turn that last corner Where I used to stop To kiss you one last time Now we simply pass I take the hard right turn And we stop Your hand slowly uncurls Seperating from mine The door opens And you seperate from me Until tomorrow Tomorrow We repeat This same empty gesture J.P. 01SEP99 3:04 PM
| response 1 of 3: |
Sep 3 18:22 UTC 1999 |
Hmm....I liked this right up until the ending. What I like about the beginning is how it _implies_ everything -- you don't even say you're driving, much less what the emotional situation is, but it's very clear anyway. So when you actually spell out "you separate from me" and "this same empty gesture", it's a bit of a let-down for me. I do like the beginning, though, and with a slightly different ending I think this would be great, so keep up the good work.
| response 2 of 3: |
Sep 4 06:06 UTC 1999 |
I think you're right....I may have to try changing this...
| response 3 of 3: |
Sep 29 22:34 UTC 1999 |
Good luck with however you decide to change it. "this same empty gesture" rather ended the poem with a tired flop in my mind, too.