|
|
| Author |
Message |
toking
|
|
silly toking
| 
Aug 6 15:31 UTC 1999 |
vauge
half remembered dreams
flowing visions
of deep red lust
all that I remember
as I awake trembling and terrified
shaken by images
far too elusive to grasp
|
| 6 responses total. |
jshafer
|
|
response 1 of 6:
|
Aug 7 08:40 UTC 1999 |
Ooh...
|
arianna
|
|
response 2 of 6:
|
Aug 7 12:15 UTC 1999 |
Wow. That's really good, joe.
I think it's the shortest poem you've ever writen, too. (;
I think it takes more skill to say much with a few well chosen words than to
write a whole lot to say basically the same thing -- similerly, it takes more
skill to sing softly and retain the intensity and focus of the tone than it
takes to sing at normal to full volume.
|
jshafer
|
|
response 3 of 6:
|
Aug 8 05:10 UTC 1999 |
Yeah, what she said.
|
orinoco
|
|
response 4 of 6:
|
Aug 8 14:48 UTC 1999 |
I love "shaken by images far too elusive to grasp" -- they can touch you, but
you can't touch them. "Deep red lust" doesn't do anything for me; a different
adjective, maybe? Anyway, I more or less agree with arianna and jshafer.
|
lumen
|
|
response 5 of 6:
|
Aug 10 19:18 UTC 1999 |
I also agree with Erinn and John. This is effective, and I think you
should try for brevity a bit more often. On the other hand, I'm often
reading these poems burnt out, tired, stressed, or all of the above.
I agree with Dan that perhaps "Deep red lust" isn't the best
wordsmithing in and of itself, but I instantly saw blood blooming into a
pool of water, or redness blushing and rushing to fill a space. Maybe
I'm more intensely visual than Dan-- I think this was a superb use of
imagery.
|
toking
|
|
response 6 of 6:
|
Aug 10 20:06 UTC 1999 |
i thin tis is ore of a picre I wish I could draw than a poem....maybe
I"ll try and have jessi do it...
|