tokings resignation (written directly to the entity that is the poetry conf)

Jul 8 20:56 UTC 1999

So I've grown accustomed to the idea of losing everything I have, well,
not losing but giving it away becaue it hurts too much to hold onto any
longer and pain is a little too much for me right now. So I'm not sure
what it is that I'm trying to say, except maybe that this just isn't
working, because I can't look at you anymore, not without some sort of
contempt, and we both know that neither of us deserve that. So what is
it that I'm getting at, I know that maybe I'm beating around the bush,
but I really don't want to say it, I mean, how can you expect me to want
to say it? I used to want this so much, but now it's not even a chore,
much less a joy. I'm not leaving, I think you should know that, but I
just can't keep holding onto an idea that's so far past its prime. I
know, there's that bush again, but you can't expect me to want this,
even though we both know that I do. Maybe it was the idea that I had a
little more to do with you than I thought I could, maybe I thought I
could make some sort of difference. Everyone has left though, well O.K.
not everyone, but there's just this handfull of us left and I don't know
how to call any of the others back. O.K. so we both know that this isn't
really a very big deal, but I feel like it is, like I"m betraying the
both of us, all of us, even though there really isn't any
responsibility, I feel like I"m shirking it. I know that there's nothing
to forgive, but god, I hope that you'll forgive me. I'm not sure exactly
where this is leading, but it just keeps coming out, like I just can't
find enough words to resign. Maybe that's all I need to do, that's it,
just out and say it. O.K. I'll just say it. I resign.

response 2 of 2:

Dec 28 08:55 UTC 1999

I can't figure out if this is really addressed to the poetry conf. as it says,
or is more of an internal dialoge, but it reads like a break-up letter.