Parenting class, week 6 ("Active Parenting in a Democratic Society [sic]")

Sep 3 20:11 UTC 1994

"The feeling on the part of children that their voices and opinions
make a difference builds cooperation and responsibility, and at the 
same time it makes anger and rebellion less likely."
        This last session was about family meetings -- "talks", 
"problem-solving discussions", or "family council meetings".
It was interesting, as usual, and the people who had tried such
things had generally positive things to say.
        The one woman whose family does this regularly said that
for them it was an outgrowth of their family devotional time, and
said she had found one book very helpful: _Family Devotions for
People Who Can't Sit Still_.  She also warned that it takes a good
deal of preparation time on her part.
        For my own family, meetings of this kind usually get bogged
down in quibbling, mutual displays of obstinacy, or lengthy
interpretations by me to one person of what somebody else meant by
what he said.  What often works better is a series of parent-parent
and mother-children chats until something mutually acceptable can be
arrived at.

response 2 of 14:

Sep 4 18:09 UTC 1994

A big thesis of this whole program is "democracy means you will
not always get your way, but you will always get your say."
In other words give the kids a voice, don't disregard an opinion
just because it comes from a younger mind, but don't necessarily
follow it either.  Most of the time our two don't get exactly
what they want; they do get explanations of why not, if they
are interested enough to listen.  (The difficulty for us seems 
to be not generational but individual -- "he doesn't agree with
ME so he must be wrong")

response 4 of 14:

Mar 3 19:13 UTC 1995

Hi groovecat...I have not lived at home since I was 18, and I still say it
that way tho' it's been 18 years since then!  I think part of the
reason I still call my parent's house "home" is because it was
more than a place to eat & sleep, I was involved.  My parents
were strict about codes of behavior, dress, etc up to a point.
(we still measured hemlines then, andn I was 15 before I
could wear jeans to school on a daily basis).  But I also had
room for decisionmaking.  

My kids are still young:  2, 7 & 9.  But they choose things
within limits:  You can stay up late, do you want stories or a
movie?  We're taking a family trip over the weekend, do you want
mountains or city?  What restaurant for dinner?  We have to get
involved in parameters and making sure the 9 year old doesn't
agree to everything her little brother wants.  Let's go to 
a museum:  we run our errands in the am and you decide which museam
after lunch.  The 9 yr old is a trained mediator, thanks to her
school.  As long as we remind her not to spoil the younger 
ones she helps with consensus building.  Decisions don't have
to be unanimous to be a consensus.

We don't do formal family meetings.  We don't have time for
procedural stuff.  But with small kids, we do manage to
have dinner together every night and that's a good time for airing
opinions.

My husband's an only child andI have only one sibling:  a 
sister I rarely if ever talk to.  We are related, but not
friends.  In reaction, we try to emphasise activities and
behaviors that encourage the kids to cooperate and see
each other as friends not rivals.  That means time apart and
some independent choices, too (He likes soccer, she want
tennis...>)

response 6 of 14:

Mar 6 13:23 UTC 1995

My parents, too, always enjoyed talking to me and my friends, and
the feeling was mutual.  Same for my husband and his mom.  In fact, 
many friends have visited our parents to see them as we grew up
and moved away, for their own sake.  Guess we had some good 
role models.

Dan, re "interesting conversations"--they are already starting.  
At age 9, my daughter already knows about sexuality what I didn't
start learning til I was in my teens...homosexuality, AIDS,
etc.  I remember just about a year or 2 ago I caught her
explailning sex to her litle brother (2 years younger than she):
it's when you kiss and stuff like that, she told him.  I was
laughing.  Now I hear "he tried to french kiss me"  "she dared me"
from them.  sigh....

response 8 of 14:

Mar 8 17:20 UTC 1995

Prosperity won't hurt, you know!!! ;-)

I did miss a "photo opportunity" at my daughter's 9-yr-old
party when she was opening gifts and reading the cards aloud:
one of the 9 yr old girls had signed it "love, (and I'm no
lesbo), so-and-so".  My jaw ddropped.  I still don't
know what shocks me (surprise/less negative word) most:
awareness, feeling of need for a disclaimer, or making a joke
out of homosexuality.

Re comments on politics...at elem school they held mock 
elections for president, and I reminded my kids of
our right to a secret ballot, and asked them who they were
voting for and why...we had long talks about why people vote
and what issues are, and how mock elections manipulate
kids into just relating how their parents will vote.

response 12 of 14:

Mar 10 05:02 UTC 1995

what's pc got to do with it?  we are talking about cultural evolution
(just my opinion, of course).  Um, I think this is a bit of a digression,
and might actually have a more appropriate item in the sexuality conference.

response 14 of 14:

Mar 11 07:18 UTC 1995

kami is too right... Talking about pc is quite a bit of a digression.
my conversation with Sweet Pea got off the subject..sorry.
I'd like to continue this conversation...but spring break beckons.
Next week I'll jump in again.
maybe we should start a pc item and somehow relate it to parenting issues.